Setting boundaries

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Miracle2016x2, Jan 25, 2016.

  1. Miracle2016x2

    Miracle2016x2 New Member

    My 30 year old son is still in denial about his drug problem. His father passed away 5 years ago from cancer. My son was already doing drugs but it just got worse after his dad passed away and a divorce. He was not allowed to see his son. He met a girl who had major issues and one was drugs. They had a child together but lost son to cps because they tested the baby for drugs and it came back positive. She already had two children she lost as well but since she did not comply with the last children they automatically took this child. I know all this sounds like just an excuse for him to do drugs. My son is a very smart man. He has a bachelors degree and was brought up in a very good home. He is an addict to meth and not sure what else. He was on probation on a charge he got from trespassing ex wife's home and got into an argument long story short he violated probation and went to jail recently. My son has never been in jail over drugs. This is the first time I have left him longer than overnight. He keeps calling to bond him out. It is hard but I pray God will use this time in jail as rehab. My son doesn't want to go to rehab. I ask all of you for prayers for him and for me.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sending prayers for you to stand strong. This is on him, not anyone else. He is thirty years old and responsible for his own life. Since he has no interest in rehab, have no idea what jail can do for him other than keep him warm and safe for a while. I believe you were and are a very loving, caring parent. These things happen sometimes and who knows why.

    It is never good to keep rescuing our grown children. They don't learn to take their own lives in their hands as long as they know we are ready and willing to save them from their bad choices. Easier said than done, I know, but it won't help him if you bail him out. He is obviously not using the wonderful resources you gave him, and that is his own decision, not your fault.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  3. Rosie67

    Rosie67 Member

    It is so hard to see your children suffer but your son is an adult who is making these choices that are affecting your life and taking its toll on your emotions, finances, and happiness. Someone described it like this for....My daughter is standing on this train line. The train is coming towards her at a very fast speed, lights are flashing and the siren is being blasted. She has no intention of stepping off this track. Just as the train is about to hit her, I throw myself in front of her, pushing her off that track and getting myself totally smashed. The next day she is back on that track, facing the same train. That is the dance I would do to save her debts, fix her problems, cover for her, accept her lies as truth, make excuses for her, try to get her to accept help. She never had to truly face anything as we were so desperate to 'save' her and therefore we enabled her. She is now 24 and within the last 6 weeks we have removed ourselves from her life. She is not coping too well but then again nor did we for a very long time. Until she accepts rehab help we have decided we can no longer have in our lives. Miracle2016x2 many of our children come from good homes, are smart kids and may have a life changer like the death of a parent however they have chosen this path and to take the drugs. We need to accept this but let them be responsible for their choices.
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  4. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I let my son sit in jail- best thing I ever did. They have time to get drugs out of system, to learn we won't rescue them when they make bad decisions, refuses rehab, to change their course. Your son is 30 years old. He is safe in jail, you know he can't get to drugs, he has a place to sleep, gets food and they have social workers in the jail. Getting him out only rewards him and sends him right back into the Lions den. He has to walk this walk by himself. He has to rescue himself. If you try, you are setting yourself up for rinse and repeat cycles of same bad decisions your son will choose to make. It's hard, we have all been there- you have detach and not enable him so that he can fix his own life.
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    Last edited: Jan 25, 2016
  5. Miracle2016x2

    Miracle2016x2 New Member

    This was the best place And I know God lead me here. Thank you for your reply. I have been feeling guilty because I won't answer his calls since he was cursing at me last time I talked to him. He has only been there in jail 9 days. Thank you so much for your reply.
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Miracle,

    Welcome to the forums.

    One thing is for certain--if you bail him out, he will go right back to doing what he has been doing, which will involve drugs and whatever he does to pay for the drugs. He won't go to rehab and he won't get better.

    If you let the system work, let him stay in jail, the worst that will happen is that he will be delayed in getting back to his drug life. The best case will be that he will realize that his actions have consequences and he doesn't like them (staying in jail) and may want to do something different with his life.

    Its up to him to decide what he wants to do with his life, Miracle.

    Doesn't make it any easier for us, though.

    Stay with us and post, Miracle.

    Hope you are having a good day.

  7. Miracle2016x2

    Miracle2016x2 New Member

    It's going on twelve days in jail. I have talked to my son twice he calls but I haven't answered his calls since. Should I? He also had his truck stolen that belonged to my husband. The police tell him I'm the only one that can report it and they tell me he's the only one that can report it. Don't know how he's in jail.
  8. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    He is in jail surrounded by police officers. All he has to do is use the phone to call the police and report it using the phones in the jail. I'd be hesitant to report it unless I knew for sure it really was stolen. Be careful of fraudulent report coming back on you, etc. There are folks who have the vehicles stolen and get the insurance cash.
  9. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    I read an article on enabling adult children and one example was an adult child in jail and what should the parent(s) do. Some load up their commissary account so they can buy extra food, hygiene products, some fund their phone account so they can call certain people. This man said not to do any of that. He said, let them sit and feel the pain of being in jail. Let them feel the loss of your conversation. Let them feel the loss of no extra food. Jail is suppose to be a major time out to think about how you got yourself here and if you want to change your life, how will you do that. If we as parents make it comfortable, then they won't feel the pain.

    Of course, I read this after I funded the phone account and put money in his commissary fund. But I know now, what to do should he find himself in jail again.

    Take his call when you feel you are emotionally, mentally up to it. He cussed you out last time. So, let him sit and think about the disrespect he gave you. Hard not to feel guilty, but one thing for sure, they know we feel guilty and will rescue them in little ways.
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Are you sure it was even stolen?

    It is not uncommon for drug users to sell big items for drug money then lie about what happened to it.

    Just a thought. I am reading a book written by an ex-meth addict right now and he had no morals when he was using. None. He'd do anything to get money for dope. He also cooked meth. I had no idea the recipe was so elaborate.

    My daughter did meth once before she quit. Scary!!!!
  11. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Miracle, I am so sorry for your need to be here, but you have come to the right place. So many folks here, are in similar situations as yours. Welcome.
    My Rain is 36, it is the same for her. Still denies it. But the evidence points otherwise.
    I am sorry Miracle, this is your grandchild. It is all so very hard, what we are dealing with.
    It is a shame what meth does to people. Meth does not care who it drug-napps. When I went to a therapist to get my head on straight after dealing with the issues of my two, she told me that I would be surprised at the amount of people hooked on meth. All levels of society are affected, Doctors, lawyers, judges, housewives. It is mind boggling. I guess it is an instant super human feeling, high at first. The chemical process that happens to the brain is horrible. The user needs more and more to feel the affect, then, needs it to just feel "normal". I have seen extreme changes in my daughters personality. She has replaced her family with her drug friends. It is sad. She does not want help.
    It sounds terrible, Miracle, but I have wished my Rain would go to jail. Right now, it seems it is the only way she will get clean. I understand your not paying his bond. I would not either. It just may be his chance to break free from the chains of meth.
    Of course he is mad at you. Too bad. I would think he is having a hard time of it, without meth. Have you gone on to any websites to learn about meth use? I have.
    My cousins daughter was on it for a long time. She is clean now, went to rehab about four times. She came and talked to me about it.
    She said the only thing that made her get clean was when her folks kicked her out and went no contact. She is thankful that they did that, because she thought she probably would not be alive, if they didn't.

    I think of this a lot. We try and try to intercede and help, but it does no good. What does work, is to let our kids reap the consequences of their choices.
    It is hard, but if we look at it this way, then not so hard.

    One thing I know for sure about my daughter, is that she constantly lies. We cannot believe anything she says.

    I think for your son, it may be the same, and I am sorry about this. Drug addicts will say anything to keep us running in circles, we end up so darn dizzy, we can't even think.

    Stay strong and focused, Miracle. It is a good thing your son is in jail. He has time to think. He has to think.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Writing out thoughts and sharing, has helped me to reaffirm my course and stand on firm ground.

    I pray that you will stay strong, and pray for your son to wake up from the grip of meth, and see his purpose and meaning.

  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Meth is the devil. I am so sorry. But your son is a grown adult and he is the only one that can decide he wants different.

    My daughter was a meth addict. We went through a LOT and she started very young. The only thing I did that was a wee bit successful in helping her get help was that I contacted the courts after she got arrested while pregnant (the court solicitor). I begged them to get her help. They truly helped - she ended up staying in jail for the duration of her pregnancy and then went to a year long program at a ministry rehab for women. She is a completely different person today. She is even friends with her old probation officer on Facebook!!! Her and her son are back home, she has a great job that she really likes and we are finally enjoying being a family. So there IS hope but HE has to want it. You can't want it for him.

    Oh and I did not accept my daughter's calls for a while. They were expensive and I just didn't want to hear the attitude, the excuses and what not. I did not put money on her books, but I did buy food packages and I only did that because she was pregnant.

  13. Miracle2016x2

    Miracle2016x2 New Member

    I am so happy I have all of you for support of this kind. I can truly relate to someone who has lost their spouse of cancer. It's like this with parents of drug addicts. It is so scary though. My son has told me you just don't know how bad it is out here. He's been in jail going on two weeks. He still doesn't sound like himself. I talked to him today. Does meth mess them up forever? Maybe I'm reading too much into this.
  14. Miracle2016x2

    Miracle2016x2 New Member

    I know I've thought of that too. It's like it didn't phase him. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
  15. Miracle2016x2

    Miracle2016x2 New Member

    He got into a fight with ex wife's family there was a restraint order he violated. That is what put him on probation. He quit going to his probation visits and caused it to go to a warrant. I thought of seeing the judge and telling him about everything he's been doing. I was hoping for them to make it mandatory to go to rehab. I know he's not there for a drug problem with the law. He's an adult and I can't make him go because my son is in denial.
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I have read it takes awhile for meth to clear from the system. There is such a thing as a "dry drunk" it is the same for addicts. Although they may not be using, they still have the habits and traits. A lot depends too on how much and how long they have been using.
    Meth is scary, it acts hard and fast on the brain. I don't recognize my daughter anymore. Her personality has morphed into something else.
    I can't believe a word she says either.

    Hang tough Miracle. Stay strong. You are doing well. Keep posting here, it really helps.
    We are all going through a hard journey together.

  17. Miracle2016x2

    Miracle2016x2 New Member

    Thank you very much. I didn't mention I have another son same problem but he's in rehab. It's been very hard. I can't afford rehab does anyone know how you get help without going broke? I can probably pay one month but that's it.
  18. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Look at ministry programs. My daughter's program was 500 a month and that included food and everything. They allowed her to trade in her beater car for the first two months payment and then she built a bill until she was able to get a job and pay it off. But she did. And no, meth doesn't need to mess them up forever. Meeting my daughter today, you would never believe that she was a meth addict. She worked hard and pushed through her issues. It can happen but really, it took a while of clearing that poison out of her before she was "normal". She found the Lord at that program and has been a completely different woman. I am so proud that she is my daughter. Always have hope!!!
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  19. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Look into Salvation Army Rehab programs. They are wonderful- some go 6 months, some go 9-12 mos. They teach discipline, work skills, social skills, teamwork, hold you accountable, get food, shelter and no worries if you can't pay. They are funded by donations only. That little red kettle at Christmas and bell ringers? Yep that money goes to that program. There is also Teen Challenge- but they take adults. Also Christian based program.