She's not speaking to me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by flutterbee, Mar 28, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    since she told me tonight that she hates me.

    Why does she hate me? Well, because I expect her to take some responsibility of course. She can't find her school workbook. I told her she had it in her room. It's not in there, she says. I look by the computer with her other school things and then go to her room to help her look for it. Which means I look through the disaster that is her room while she just stands there screaming at me that's in not in there, she already told me it's not in there and why do I never believe her.

    So, I walked out. Told her she had to find it. It was her work, her workbook, her responsibility. That if she could talk to me without yelling at me, I would help her.

    She follows me out of her room into the living room yelling at me that she wasn't yelling at me, that I was yelling at her. I just repeated that it's her work, her workbook, her responsibility. She screamed that she hates me. I told her then I guess you won't be needing any help from me.

    I let things calm down and went to her room told her I was making myself a grilled cheese and did she want one. She ignored me except to say that her workbook isn't in there. I opened up her desk cupboard, moved a notebook and there was her workbook. Took me all of 5 seconds. Plopped it on her desk. Told her when she could speak to me in a respectful manner, I'd be more than happy to help her with her work.

    That was several hours ago. She's still not speaking to me.

    It seems as long as we walk on eggshells around her everything is fine. But the second something is expected of her, she becomes this venom-spewing alien child.
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs...been there done that way too many times to count.
  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That sounds so familiar. I'm sorry for your rough night. Sometimes I almost wish difficult child wouldn't talk to me just because it would mean it he would be quiet. Hugs.
  4. Loving Abbey 2

    Loving Abbey 2 Not really a Newbie

    I have no words of wisdom....Sending you strength!
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    She'd been in her room so long, I thought she was asleep. She just came into the kitchen and complained that there is nothing to eat (translation - there is nothing she wants). I ignored her. It was a statement, it didn't necessitate a response. And I'm not going to respond to her negative comments anymore. The constant negativity wears me down.
  6. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well aren't you the meany!!! Good for you! Hang in there Warrior Mom!!! It is tiring. What comes after March Madness??? What month is the Sanity month???
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Sounds like a younger version of Nichole. At um around 15 or so. She could really drag it out, too. Sad part was she didn't realize just how stubborn I can be. Once it went on for a week. husband kept asking me if we were gonna be "mad' at each other forever. lol

  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    This sounds so very much like kt right now. I'm learning to bite my lips on almost anything she says .... if it's directed at me & in a positive tone of voice I'm right there for her. If not, I do my best not to respond or be pulled into the argument she seems to "want" to have with me.

    by the way, when kt announces that she is no longer speaking to me I thank her very politely with-o irony or sarcasm. Just a little, "thank you, honey". Then I enjoy the quiet while I can. :bigsmile:
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm with Linda. I used to truly enjoy the silent treatment but no way would I have let mine know that I liked the quiet -- that would have been a guaranty I'd never get any again.

    I will say you're much nicer than I am. Had I ultimately found her notebook in her room, I would have been "cleaning" the room with trash bags and would have merrily tossed anything I didn't deem a necessity. And I would have explained that I wasn't doing it because the room was such mess although that would be a factor but because I had tried to help you find your workbook and you chose to scream at me rather than help.

    Fortunately for me, mine has seen me look in the same spot several times when searching for my keys and finding them in the general area the third or fourth try, so she understands the concept of looking where you've already looked for the main part. Of course, if there is something she's trying to hide, then I'll get the screaming that she's already looked there, which, of course, causes me to look even harder to find the missing object and what the secret is.

    Good luck. Hope the silent treatment continues long enough to give you some rest.
  10. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    We have a lot of situations like that too. Only difference is that my difficult child isn't very good with the silent treatment. When she's trying to give me the silent treatement, she can't stay silent. When I'm giving her the silent treatment, she follows me around and it sends her into screaming and physical aggression.

    But yes, difficult child expects the rest of us to jump when she speaks but when something is expected of her, she puts the brakes on hard.
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    She started speaking to me last night when she needed my help with something. I told her she owed me an apology. Which I got, but it was that forced, I don't really mean it kind. Sigh.

    I didn't want the apology for saying she hates me. That doesn't bother me as I know it's only said in a fit of anger. I wanted the apology for going from 0-60 in 2 seconds flat because she couldn't find her workbook and somehow that was all my fault. She even said so. It really wasn't anything to get so worked up over and it became this huge ordeal.

    And even after I found the workbook, she didn't do any work. She 'can't', she 'needs help', she's 'told [me] this a hundred times'. I'm not inclined to help when I've just been treated like her verbal punching bag.
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Oh, do I get it.

    I know that you know I get it.

    These KIDS!!!
  13. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I think I have the 8 yo copy of your daughter. You are nicer and more patient then I have been able to be.
  14. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Seeing that your difficult child is 13 yrs old this scenario makes perfect sense to me--difficult child or easy child! Unfortunately, it is part of being a teen in my opinion--I'm sorry!
  15. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    She's acting like a sweetie now.

    I have a 16 year old easy child. Trust me, this is different.
  16. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    At least she turned herself around ... until the next time. Hang in there -- it does get better. Honest, it does.
  17. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Maybe she is channeling Kanga????? That sounds like our home. When we still all lived together.
  18. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Your situation sounds so familiar ... simple problems my difficult child faced would turn into lengthy screaming fits once he had managed to involve me. It took me a long, long time to figure out that me engaging and taking any sort of responsibility for his problem whatsoever meant, in his mind, that he'd successfully unloaded both cause and responsibility for the problem onto me. Once I learned to disengage and then refuse to re-engage, the scenario changed. For a while he would follow me around the house trying to re-engage, furious that I wouldn't, and still work himself into a meltdown. Now he just gets silent and very angry, and disappears to his room. If/when he reappears to ask politely for help, I'll help him. In the meantime I revel in the quiet!
  19. So Tired

    So Tired Member


    Sounds like you did an excellent job of keeping your cool and refusing to get sucked into her drama.


    I agree 100% - If difficult child can engage you in some sort of confrontation, then he/she can somehow place blame for the current problem on you, not the result of their bad choices. It took me a long, long time to figure this out. It is so very hard not to say ANYTHING even if they are dinking around on their computer at 8:26 and they are supposed to be at work at 8:30!!!!

    But, I must remember that difficult child has to learn things himself, the hard way. If he loses his job, maybe then he will have internal motivation to get to work on time next time, instead of my external motivation of nagging.
  20. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sometimes I feel like I have whiplash from her sudden mood changes. :rofl:

    Every morning when she wakes up I find myself on guard wondering which Wynter I will get today. I just play it low key and go from there.