Slapped but good

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by katya02, Mar 15, 2009.

  1. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I posted a couple of months ago about my father and the vultures in my step-family who descended the moment they learned their mother was terminally ill. They wanted her to give them all her cash and investments plus title to the house where she lived with my father, effective immediately.

    I took my father to an attorney so he could learn his rights, which were considerable. His wife and her kids instantly focused on me as an evil person out to 'get her money'. My net worth is fifteen times hers. I was never interested in her little bit of money. I just wanted my father not to be ripped off after sixteen years of marriage and spending his entire income, plus cashing in all of his assets, to support the two of them. They always assumed he would die first and she would need her assets to live on. But now, with her dying first, she doesn't consider that he needs any assets to live on.

    After a couple of months of lawyer meetings that I paid for, and eight-hour car trips (each way) on my part, my father has informed me that he'll return all gifts I sent him, that he's happy to stay in the house he renovated but his wife gave away, at the pleasure of her kids, that he doesn't want to be near his own family, that his only priority is his wife's comfort. And he has made out powers of attorney for property and health care that name my siblings but leave me off.

    This is his decision. But I wish he'd been up-front with me from the start, so I wouldn't have had to drive those eight-hour white-knuckle trips through upstate New York and Ontario in January and February, and I wouldn't have had to pay all those lawyer's fees, and I wouldn't have been deluded that he cared a d*** about me or my sisters or our kids.

    At least I know now.

    Sorry - thanks for letting me vent.
  2. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I am blown away. Your actions did not, to me anyways, imply that you were after anything. It hurts when you try to help someone and, as you said, get slapped.

    Hugs. I hope you can take some solace in the fact that you knew you were doing the honorable thing.
  3. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Wow, that certainly is a slap in the face. I can only imagine how crushed and hurt you must be. That really bites.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    There is something about impending death that brings out the worst or the best in family.
    I know you are hurt. I'm so sorry.
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hugs and strength.

    Atleast you did your best. He will understand that when his newest family abandons him with nothing to live on. He will look back and understand you were trying to prevent that.

    Right now, he is under alot of emotional pressures of loosing his wife and being forced into fast/quick decisions. He can not see much into the future or how his wife's family is greedy.

    If you feel any of this makes sense, you may want to write him a letter (certified for HIS signature only to make sure he gets it). Let him know that you do understand these are his decisions and that he can contact you if he ever needs ANYTHING.

    I have a feeling that his wife's family is behind all of this. They are only focusing on her and themselves. It is hard for him to stand up to them at this time. He may need support when all is said and done.
  6. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Katya, I am so sorry. He is probably too exhausted and upset to think clearly.
    You know what my situation has been and "undue influence" can be a huge factor when death is at the door. I am sorry for the pain and disappointment this has caused you, at least you know you have done what you can. Your conscience is clear. MY vulture has managed to scr** herself. Karma is real. I feel bad for your dad. They're not giving him a chance to grieve.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Katya, more like a punch in the gut.

    But in his defense.......he is going thru the stages of grief right now, as I'm sure you know. He's thinking about losing the woman he loves and isn't most likely thinking too clearly. Unfortunately, He'll be in for a rude awakening once his wife passes.

    My stepdad's family was the same way. A bunch of vultures, the lot of them. Mom, thru my advice, did manage to keep them at bay during his battle with cancer, so they hit her when she was crippled by grief instead. It was ugly.

    Three lawyers later.....and the estate is finally settled, and she got what she was supposed to have. Minus, of course, what they stole before she could stop them.

    I'm sorry. I know what he did had to hurt you terribly.

  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. To get that response for trying to help...truly vacuums.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    God bless you. What you did was misinterpreted and twisted by that evil family. I have no words.
  10. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Thank you ... I'm sorry about venting. I've been having a hard time getting my head around it. I guess my biggest upset is that, although I agree that he shouldn't move immediately, my father would choose to stay hundreds of miles away in the long term when he's elderly and getting frail, rather than move closer to the family who love him and want to care for him. We simply will not be able to do for him what we'd like to do. But it's his decision and as some have said, he's not seeing too clearly right now. If he doesn't stand up for his rights though, he'll be financially unable to move anywhere else. Time was of the essence. Oh well.

    I'll just back off for a while. At least I have sisters who can act for him in terms of health care decisions and property.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry.

    I hope your sisters do the right thing when the time comes.

    You certainly did your best. Everyone has to look in the mirror every morning. You can see clearly, with-a clear conscience.

    I wish the best for your dad. Sigh.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Yup - that's family -

    Help me! Help ME! HELP ME!!!!! so you do and then you get -

    No I didn't NEED your help - I was okay being a dunce after all.

    Maybe you should send a funeral flower arrangement now.

    Yeah - you just think I wouldn't - I would. Add a card that would say - Those flowers that you thought I wouldn't send - HERE THEY ARE. Have a nice rest of your life.

    But I'm not a nice person today. Neither is your Dad's extended family - that should give them something to yak about for at least 3 months
  13. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Yep, I would be stepping back and let your sisters handle what comes next. From the other viewpoint, maybe he saw that you were too strong..... it may have scared him and he figured you could make it "on your own" and really didn't need anything from him..... he also may not have wanted to give up any control on what he perceived he had...... I am not faulting what you did..... I think you absolutely did the correct thing, but just don't think he took it that way...... you tried, now let someone else take the reins for a while. If he does return all the gifts you gave him maybe you could put it together for his later care needs..... (not sure what kind of gifts you gave, but sell or keep sentimental things and return then later after step family has dumped him......)
  14. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    That's a good idea, I'll put aside anything he sends back and give it back to him if he ever wants it ... there were a few expensive things but mostly sentimental stuff. Re his papers, I'm not concerned about the will but would have appreciated being on his personal care papers - I could have talked to his doctors on a professional level should he become very ill. It suggests a lack of trust ... I must have seemed too strong. I will not offer anything more. If he has a request he can make it but I won't offer.

    Star, you made me laugh! I can just imagine their faces! Only my father would be extremely offended so I guess I'll just hang onto the mental image.
  15. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    So sorry he took it as you were after "things" rather than you were concerned for him. I hope you can let it go. It isn't your fault and maybe he will see your good intents when his head and his heart clear. Right now all is muddied with stress and concern. -RM
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Okay - then send them a boquet now - and just a note that says -

    I understand -
    Love Kat
  17. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think Fran nailed it. Never, ever, in a million years would I have expected "issues" to surface when first my Dad and later my Mom died.Two out of three of my siblings displayed behaviors that shocked the heck out of me. :(

    More recently I agreed to be the personal rep for a totally wonderful lady who lived next door to me and had no family close by. When she went into assisted living I sold her home to save her real estate commisions ( I am a retired Realtor), I did all her shopping, I washed all her laundry as she "didn't want her things in with the other old peoples") ;) and I drove down to visit her at least twice a week (about 50 minutes round trip). I truly loved the time I spent with her and greatly cared for her wellbeing.

    After she died her "precious" adult granddaughter called all the lady's friends and told them that I had stolen everything she had. :( It is still causing me embarrassment in the community. There was not even money left for me to receive a legal "fee".

    You can't even grasp why some people "turn" when death hovers. I am so very sorry that you are experiencing heartbreak on so many levels. In time it will get better but..don't expect to really forget. It just doesn't work that way. Hugs. DDD
  18. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I don't know how death of a parent became the trigger to the trough feeding behavior of some relatives.
    DDD, lies like that or assumptions by the grand daughter make me sick. She probably figured no one does all of that out of the kindness of friendship and you must have been paid or stolen something.

    There is so much ugliness when there is suspicion at your motives.

    Katya, just be a support to your dad and if he wants your input let him ask you.