So Annoyed.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bennieb, Oct 7, 2014.

  1. Bennieb

    Bennieb New Member

    So, I've stuck to my guns, and avoided contact and conflict with difficult child for a few weeks. It has been incredibly hard to do, as you all know. The struggles with guilt, and wondering if he is ok out there on his own. Although I know in my mind, that I am doing the only thing that I can possibly do for him at this point, my heart tugs in a different direction.
    It has been a rough few weeks for me.
    Then last night, I text him to tell him that he had a cheque at my house. So, we made arrangements for him to come by and pick it up.
    I was dreading it. Who would show up at my door? Horrible, and abusive, or sweet and manipulative?
    Anyhow, these thoughts quickly diminished when I opened the door, and saw that grandma was sitting in my driveway in her car!
    After everything I did, and put myself through to get him out of their house, and keep him away, here she was doing exactly what I had told her not to do.
    Furious doesn't even cover my feeling!
    So, I text hubby to ask what he knows about this (we work opposite shifts, so don't see each other during the week). He says he knows nothing. (grandma is hubby's mum)
    Well, all I know now, in the harsh light of day, is that I will not help them any further. I have done what I promised to do, by getting him out of their house, and I'll be damned if I am going to continue to play the "enforcer" in his life.
    Whenever something has been done with difficult child, it's always been me who has to lay down the law, and I am the only one who is strong enough to hold the bottom line, and because of this, he views me as the problem, because nobody else has the strength, or stamina to hold it with me.
    So, I have decided that from this day forward, I have done my part, and if they want to keep letting him back in, I will no longer be answering their calls for help with him.
    If they think that they can somehow save him by allowing this to continue, they're going to have to figure it out for themselves.
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  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I completely agree with you. To continue to help them would likely be considered enabling as well, so you would still be in the thick of it with your in laws. It does get so complicated when family members continue to "help" against our wishes and against logic and reality, but you can't save them from themselves. I would communicate that to them, let them know you are now out of the game, their actions make it impossible for you when they continue to help him.

    I know how difficult it is to be the enforcer. I'm glad you decided to stop. I believe that is a healthy and positive choice for you.

    Hang in there, it does get easier with time.
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  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree with RE. You did the best you could to protect everyone, but you can't keep doing it alone. They'll probably learn the hard way, like we did. If they never learn, well, some people enable forever, thinking that, in their minds, it is the right thing to do...that you take care of family even if they are abusing you and/or are blatent criminals or addicts or all three.

    In difficult child's world, you ARE his problem because you won't enable him (shrug). They all get that way when we won't help them ruin their lives and our own.

    Do something good for yourself today :) I hope you can find some serenity and peace. This too shall pass.
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  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. Every time we have set a boundary with difficult child my parents have enabled her. It is very frustrating and because of it we don't have much of a relationship at this point. :(
  5. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    Boundaries = Sanity.

    You did the right thing!
  6. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Leave them to it.
    They will learn the hard way eventually.
    You can't control difficult child's behaviour - and you can't control Grandma's behaviour - go out and do something nice for yourself today and leave them to it.
  7. Bennieb

    Bennieb New Member

    I totally appreciate all your support!! It's so hard sometimes when you feel so alone in this situation.
    I am dreading the up coming weekend, since it's Thanksgiving in Canada!
    I know he is going to be there for the dinner, so I don't want to go.
    This is honestly the first time that I have truly stuck to my guns, and avoided all contact.
    Something has finally broken through my brain that has made me accept the fact that I cannot change him, no matter how much I try, and he hates me so much right now, I just don't want to spend my holiday feeling that hate.
  8. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Oh I remember this and I felt so badly for you. Now they do something like this? Oh no way. He's not even a kid anymore. We are talking about an adult for Christ sake. I totally 100% agree with you. You being the enforcer they want you to be is shaving years off of your own life. No way, it would be different if this was a kid we were talking about here, but come on, he's an adult. How long are any of you suppose to go through this?
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Better to face up to it standing on your own two feet (as you so admirably are) than to pretend everything is fine.

    Good for you!

    Go to the dinner and enjoy. I love it that I hear no guilt in your post.

  10. hopeandjoy66

    hopeandjoy66 Member

    Are you saying that the grand parents are going to be there or your son? Or both? If it is your son, why do you have to go if you are not ready to deal with this at this time? Remember there are no right and wrong answers to this. Keep in mind that you matter.
  11. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    My difficult child daughter was playing games of "rescue me", purposely getting into relationships with violent and dangerous people, when I finally had enough of playing along getting the deadbeat thugs out of her house I simply said "you are a big girl, you invite them in, you get them out" Never had a problem after that with that issue because I had exposed the game and refused to play!
  12. Bennieb

    Bennieb New Member

    You all, are truly the best!! I have tears in my eyes reading all the supportive responses.
    It's going to be both my in laws & my difficult child that will be in attendance at dinner this weekend. I have thought long & hard about this & have decided that I will take a pass on the dinner. I just don't feel ready to 1) face my difficult child & 2) deal with the fact that everyone caved & left me holding the proverbial bag. It's high time I start putting myself first! I've been living a total nightmare for the past 8 years & it's time to reclaim my life! Sadly, I know full well that this is going to cause strife between me & hubby, since he will want me to go to the dinner, but I have to do what's right for me if I'm ever going to be well again.
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  13. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    That is an awesome decision. Your inlaws know what you did and they know you will not be happy about the situation. There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from difficult situations. But guess what sometimes your actions speak louder than words. Your inlaws actions say that they don't value the work you have done to help them, or the time you spent, and they don't value your opinion. If you show up and put on your happy face then everyone else wins. You are now in the place of pretending that your feelings don't matter and difficult child is in a place of power. He now knows you will come to family events to please the inlaws and that has a way to keep his contact with you.

    I am currently distancing myself from family as well. My family doesn't understand it at all. Their actions tell me they don't respect me or my parenting so I don't feel the need to respect their family traditions. If they need me they can call me but I no longer feel the need to make awkward phone calls or sit through awkward events. Of course it helps that I live on the opposite side of the country.

    Honestly though I think you should talk with them and let them know that you wont be attending because you are uncomfortable with the situation. It is the adult thing to do. But I would keep it short and sweet. If they try to guilt you end the call.
  14. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Can you plan something else for Thanksgiving?
    Can you sit down your hubby and help him understand? If he's a good guy, he should get it and also be angry at them. Hopefully most husbands would stick up for their wives, not daddy and mommy...of course...that doesn't always happen.
  15. hopeandjoy66

    hopeandjoy66 Member

    Maybe treat yourselves to a night at a B&B. No matter what you do, take good care of yourself.
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree, "awesome decision!"

    That is taking care of yourself. Great job.
  17. Bennieb

    Bennieb New Member's the latest....
    As I'm working up the courage to tell hubby that I won't be attending dinner this weekend, he sends me a text that our lovely difficult child had texted grandma, asking if she can call him. Hubby thinks he's going to ask to go back to grandmas house because he has worn out his welcome at his friends house. Well, I told hubby that I don't want to hear about it because I've been working too hard to put space between myself & difficult child to start going backwards now. I think he was surprised by my reaction, since I'm normally the fixer. Not sure where this is all going to end up, but I have to continue to hold my bottom line. Ugh
  18. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Yay!!! Someone else who sounds like me! difficult children father texts me and whines about what difficult child has done. I don't care. HE has allowed him to misbehave with NO consequences, so who cares! Let difficult child walk all over his father, there is NOTHING I can do about it!
    GO Bennieb!