So tired...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MichelleLynnFl, Jul 17, 2017.

  1. Hello all. My daughter is 25 years old and is back home for the last 6 months. The reason? She was in jail for a week due to being drunk in public, disorderly conduct in a public place, and was charged with a felony for licking the officers arm. Felony charge was dropped because it was a ridiculous charge to begin with. At this time she lived alone for a year and what a terrible year it was. Job after job, no food, car broke down andshe started walking/riding her bike to jobs...not making ends meet and I helped with what she could not manage. Since coming out of jail, as the terms of her probation, had to seek a counselor. She has been diagnosed with being bipolar and put on the medication lithium. Dramatic change! She got and held a job, we did not fight so much, she was so nice to be around that I really felt things were changing....until she lost her job. For about a month now she takes her medication only as needed, stays in her room most of the day, has applied to numerous jobs but because of recent jail time, a job is hard to find. Many of the fast food places, they don't do background checks, she worked while living alone she burned those bridges being let go/fired. She is set up to begin online college classes in August but if it's the same as before, she starts out strong then does nothing. My husband and I just purchased our first home, our dream come true, and she is making life miserable. My daughter is mostly a nasty person, nasty attitude. Do we blame her bi polar or she just lashing out? She mostly takes all her frustrations out on me and it's why we fight as I won't stand for it. She thinks the rules of our house are too much for a person of her age. No smoking, no friends, no going out, helping around the house, ect. Our conditions as to letting her live with us were no friends, relationships, work on you first. We had been through enough heartache all our lives with her and thesefriends/relationships. No more as these people got her involved into taking drugs, nasty sex practices, drinking. Because of her severe restrictions at home she decided while having no job that she would get on these meeting apps and found "friends". She does not have phone service and I just recently found out she chats with these people through using Wi-Fi on these apps. I must tell you also that my daughter is gay. My husband passes by her room tonight and heard her saying to whoever this "friend" was, so you want me to f*uck you up the a*s? About a week ago she asked if she could meet these friends....they are good people, I even talked to them...NO! But why? It's not fair. Told her she had to earn our trust and that this recent change in her behavior/attitude was not proving to us the conditions she so eagerly agreed with coming out of jail. Right back to her old ways in only 6 months. Gone is the gratitude of being on the other side of the bars, the shock is over with. That was the final straw! I instantly changed our Wi-Fi router password, shut that whole thingdown. Now I had to password protect all my Wi-Fi enabled devices, hid my purse, keys, checkbook, ect. I don't trust that she will try and sneak my keys or use my credit card at this point. She uses my phone for calling jobs and now I am not going to let her use it as she might find the password. We have no long term shelters here in Florida, nowhere for her to go. My daughter is not the smartest either, has no sense of direction, no common sense, basically does not care what happens to her and wants the world to do it for her. My plan at this time is to talk with her tomorrow, tell her she has to get back on her medication and be a productive member of our house or she is out of here. I sound so brave but in reality feel if she is homeless, on the street, it will be the death of her. If not by her own hand then by a so called " friend" and her doing drugs. She told me jail was a blessing because she was ready to shoot drugs into her arm soon. Supposedly a wake up call that she has forgotten so quickly. How much can I blame her being seriously bi polar for all these actions? Her Dad and I have been married 26 years now and all those years we have done everything we can think of to help her, she refuses. Where to go from here? Please help. Thank you.

    UPDATE TO ORIGINAL POST

    Today I went over with my daughter of what happened last night. We fought and she ran out the front door not to be seen or heard from until midnight. She texts me asking if we can have a real conversation... I quote... " Why when I live with you do you have to treat me like some sort of prisoner, why can I not even go for a walk, why do you have to have so many rules that I can't breathe, why do you and Daddy not treat me as an adult, maybe I would have a job by now if I could get out of the house, I applied to so many places today, why can I not make my own choices when I live with like if I want to smoke cigarettes, or obtain a few friends, why can we not Co exist, instead you force me to be out here where I could got shot in my sleep on a bench, but that's how bad this whole situation gets to me that's why I eat eat mass amounts of food, I ate barely anything today and it feels great, why do I have to be the only sane person, why do you have to be so controlling, like with my "medicine" and you use it to throw in my face everyday, you 2 have to change, it's not right, everyone I've talked to today has said so too, like what do they never want you to leave, well I can and hope I don't get shot for me" I told her the same rules still apply because of her past actions. So tonight, for the first time, I did not give in to her and she is still somewhere outside....maybe?
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2017
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    She lives under your roof. Your house/your rules. I dont allow any smoking in my house. Period. None of my grown kids live with me...including an autistic son.

    If your daughter wants independence she can get a job, move out and stop breaking the law. You dont "make" her do anything. She, like many here, is blaming bad, rude, disrespectful, childish behavior on you, but that is untrue. Its a form of gaslighting. And she us abusing you, just like a spouse would.

    Your daughter will probably turn out to be very street smart and will find ways to survive on the streets. She has a choice to live with you and follow your rules but she wants a free ride PLUS no rules. Unreasonable. So SHE is choosing to leave and trying to scare you in the bargain. Not nice at all.

    If drugs are involved, I recomnend Al Anon for you plus your own therapist so that you can learn to detach from her choices and put your own life first. The only person you have control over is you. You CAN change how you react to this daughter, but nothing you say or do will make her better if she doesnt want to get better.

    Stand strong.

    Hoping you can find some peace today. You matter a lot. Your own life is precious. Celebrate YOU. And value your husband. He will be there for you until the end. Your daughter is pretty much just about herself. Nurture your marriage before all else.
     
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    Last edited: Jul 18, 2017
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Your story is a familiar one.

    Here's the thing, if she doesn't like your rules then she is free to leave. I do not think your rules are out of line at all considering what you have shared about her.

    I'm glad you did these things. Something I suggest you think about is the fact that you had to do these things. Is this the way you want to live? Having to hide things in your own home, the home you and your husband worked so hard for is not a good way to live. Your home should be a sanctuary, a place of peace, a place of security.
    The only thing I would add to this is you need to be very specific. I would suggest writing it down like a contract and ask her to sign it. This way if things don't work out she can't come back and say "you didn't tell me that"
    I used to feel the same way about my son being homeless but I have learned that homeless people actually network together. No, it's not a lifestyle I would choose for myself but my son and many others manage just fine. The main thing to remember here is that being homeless is a choice they make. Your daughter is 25, you should not have to take care of her. In fact, the longer we "help" our difficult adult children the harder it will be for them. The sooner they can figure out how to live on their own, homeless or not, the better. You, me, all the parents here, we will all be gone someday. It's better for our difficult adult children to learn now rather than later. Imagine an 85 year old woman who has a 60 year old difficult child still living at home.
    While I'm sure there is some truth here, there can also be some manipulation. Our difficult adult children can be very good at telling us "scary" things. They know they can count on our emotions to cause fear and to swoop in and protect them.
    You do not owe her any kind of explanation for the rules of your home. If she doesn't like them then she can leave. If it were me my response to this text would be "Our house, our rules, take it or leave it, no one is forcing you to stay here" The last thing I would do is engage in a conversation where you are defending your rules. Again, you do not owe her any kind of explanation.

    I agree with @SomewhereOutThere, seek out Al-Anon for some help. There are also resources at NAMI
    NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

    Most of all take care of YOU! It can be so exhausting dealing with the chaos and drama of our difficult adult children that we forget to take care of ourselves. Each day, do one special thing just for you. It's not selfish, it's selfcare.

    Keep us posted on how things are going.

    ((HUGS)) to you.....................
     
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  4. seek

    seek Member

    I totally get how exhausted you and your husband must be and agree with the others . . . have you sought therapy for yourself? It sounds more like you need specific coaching on how to live with a difficult person without losing your mind.

    The idea of creating a contract is a good one - make it reasonable - what you want and need to feel respected in your home and have your home a peaceful place to live. If she is truly bi-polar (and I honestly think this is a catch-all for "bad behavior"), then one of the things on the list is that she should have to attend regular therapy. It sounds like she could also benefit from a life coach.

    Create a sanctuary for yourself, if you can - spaces where she is not allowed in the house.

    If you choose to work with a therapist or social worker (I would choose the latter), create a timeline for her to become self-sufficient. That should be the end goal you are all working towards. Lots of young adults live with parents during setbacks, but they have a plan to leave. I didn't hear that in your post - maybe I missed it.

    If she doesn't want to abide by your rules, that will be an incentive for her to leave sooner rather than later . . . she must be costing you plenty to live there now, so maybe focus on the job first, and then as soon as she secures the job, maybe pay a couple of month's rent? (Not sure if that is a good idea . . .)

    Did you say something about school? I don't think that's a good idea. I think a job is what's needed. Lots of people don't check backgrounds - you would be surprised. It's all about relationships.

    Good luck.
     
  5. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    I agree with what's been said, especially about getting support for yourself and finding a 12 step group. My experience with my 2 out of 3 difficult children is that contracts rarely work. Theoretically, a good idea, but if they're not honored, then I as the person asking for compliance look weak if I don't follow through and hold boundaries. And I don't know about you, but I have found so many ways to excuse the dishonoring of a boundaries because of fear or guilt about what might happen to my loved one. I do agree that in your house, it's your rules, which ultimately probably means it won't work to have your daughter there. That is the realization I am coming to with two difficult adult children. I don't believe forcing someone into compliance actually changes them. Their compliance is usually just superficial, and they either comply to not have to change, or rebel and don't change. The change has to come from our difficult loved ones, and we are powerless over that. What I know is that it hurts either way, but I am working really hard on taking care of myself. Using this forum is one of the ways I do that.
    Much support and positive energy to you.
     
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  6. I so agree with you 100%! Thank you again for your kind words, love and reassurance...has left me in awe of the wonderful people here.

    Stood my ground last night, she tried the bossing tactic, the scare the life out of me tactic...did not work with me this time, I actually went to sleep. lol. She calls me at 5am and tells me she will do everything I asked and that she wants to try. I am all for that as it's her best and only option. When she got here had a very long discussion of how all the rules remain and if she EVER just up and leaves it's her last time...bags will be packed on the front porch.

    I truly am going to seek counselling for myself and told her I am doing for me. That she needs to do for herself and if our home situation ever gets that way again, she is being kicked out. She even tried to wedge a smaller rent from me so she can save, save, save. Who gets a free ride in life? Her $400. rent includes money that she has owed us for years now. I dang well tend on collecting all I can back while she is here! She says well if I have to pay you $400. a month I might as well leave after I get a job. Huh? Good luck finding even an apartment for $400. not alone electric. There is the door daughter, see ya! And although I know if she moves out again I will never see anymore of the $3,000. coming back to us, I am fine with that as we will be done.


     
  7. Hello Tanya, thank you for such kind words. I am so much stronger because of everyone here.

    I did not post all of the texts I sent her last night but, told her exactly how you put it. Our house, our rules. This was 12am and I finished my last text at 1am...went to sleep. She calls me at 5am telling me she wants to try, she will do everything I asked.

    We had a talk and told her this will not continue we are finally at the end of helping her. She needs a job badly and said she applied everywhere yesterday. She went an hour from our home and I refuse to drive that far for a job. She says but if you let me have my freedom, I will take a bus. No way! Will see how the next few days go. I am all for helping my children, have a son as well, if they help themselves first.

     
  8. Hello seek, thank you for such wonderful words of comfort and ideas that make me think further.

    My daughter knows scare tactics work on me big time...until last night. I found how resourceful she really was last night as she told me today what she did. Never imagined for how mean, not caring...life owes me attitude that she accomplished going over an hour from our house with no GPS, she asked directions. If this happens again I fully am confidant that she can take care of herself.

    Timeline is very good. She wants to save money and move out. Fine with me as I would like to enjoy the remaining years of my and my husband's life in peace...we are both 51.

    I do have my bedroom that I can get away from her but, at the same time should not feel I have to stay in it to have peace. We did not just buy a bedroom but a whole house. lol




     
  9. Acacia, I so feel your pain in this reply. Thank you for sharing with me.

    You said the truth. My daughter called last night at 5am...well not really night is it? lol. Said she wanted to work things out and would do everything I asked. We get to talking today about the rules and how she made a decision to come back home instead of staying out on the streets. She said.. I figure that I would just put my pride aside and come back. Just take whatever you dish out to me and agree with everything you say. Wow. To me there first was no love in her decision to come home. Then she learned nothing from being outside, she actually had a full plan for staying out there. And now no lessons learned about the rules.
    I am much more confidant now than when I wrote this post. Feel I can let her go and not worry. Also it will be her very last chance with us. Good luck with your children. Stay strong and focus on you.

    [="Acacia, post: 715046, member: 19832"]I agree with what's been said, especially about getting support for yourself and finding a 12 step group. My experience with my 2 out of 3 difficult children is that contracts rarely work. Theoretically, a good idea, but if they're not honored, then I as the person asking for compliance look weak if I don't follow through and hold boundaries. And I don't know about you, but I have found so many ways to excuse the dishonoring of a boundaries because of fear or guilt about what might happen to my loved one. I do agree that in your house, it's your rules, which ultimately probably means it won't work to have your daughter there. That is the realization I am coming to with two difficult adult children. I don't believe forcing someone into compliance actually changes them. Their compliance is usually just superficial, and they either comply to not have to change, or rebel and don't change. The change has to come from our difficult loved ones, and we are powerless over that. What I know is that it hurts either way, but I am working really hard on taking care of myself. Using this forum is one of the ways I do that.
    Much support and positive energy to you.[/QUOTE]
     
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Echo all...it's just a sad, frustrating, angry day.

    But my family , husband, myself deserve the best peace and joy has to offer.

    Concentrating on me, my two non difficult children, and not dwelling on whAt I can't control, what I didn't cause.

    Just sad at times...
     
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  11. Hello mof, it indeed is very sad at times. We do our very best for our children, we are not perfect and do make mistakes. I often told my husband that I wish when our daughter was born, she was the first, that an instructional manual came out after her. lol

    Your husband and other children deserve you, all of you there for them and they you. Don't let this sadness overwhelm you because at the end of the day...you did all you could.

     
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Thank you
    Thank you..I know we have, and the deceit is one thing I am not ready to swallow again!