Dear Bootsie,
Ahhhh I can hear the soft echoing music singing "Greater Expectations" in the background of your mind. WHAT MUST BE WRONG WITH ME? I'm not in the holiday spirit? I'm not wanting to trim the tree, deck the halls, wrap a gift, sing a carol, fah la la a la. I am broken. I AM THE Charlie Brown Christmas tree without the Linus blanket. I am the manger scene without a donkey. (tell you about that later) I am the woman who has had the red licked off her candy cane......(gasp) I AM.....(insert dramatic music - dat dahhh dahhhhhhh) THE GRINCH.
Nah - You're just the tired, the weary, the huddled woman. You know the one that wants to just stay hovered over the eggnog punch bowl with the bottle of Captain Morgan - sans the eggnog, go to her bedroom, un-draw open the shutters, un-draw the sash, crawl into her kerchief & cap..and settle down for a long, long, long, long, long Winters nap....like about three or four months...(Captain Morgan optional) and just forget about things like kids, bills, housework, putting gas in the car, shopping for groceries, cooking, baking, mundane work, the commute, feeding the animals, trying to keep the smiley face
to the world when you feel like this
and would like to drop kick frosty the snow man across the lawn and swear if you hear the Twelve Days of Christmas one more time you're going to need a barf bag. Why? Good question.
Stress has a lot to do with it. There are so many kinds that most of us have no idea we live WITH day to day and swallow that if we ever get the chance to live without we are amazed that we did what we did - I mean AMAZED to the point of thinking .."WOW was I awesome or what?" Then you think to yourself...."Wow was I awesome or stupi-t?" ??? Then guilt sets in, and should-a, would-a, could-a creeps up on us....and WHAM full blown depression and the next thing you know we're back to ANOTHER feeling of complete failure. Should is a word we could all do without. Eliminating it from your vocabulary will literally set you free from a lot of things - especially guilt. If you could have done it better - when you made decisions to do what you did - you would have done it that way.
As far as Christmas - It seems for a lot of people it becomes almost like an olympic event. Swear. It's like you have to get a Gold, Silver or Bronze in all the Holiday Events. Baking - Yup. WHO makes the best cookies, who makes them with their children. Who makes them look like Martha Stewarts magazine cover - so perfect with the little silver balls and fondant icing (seriously can you eat that crud without a trip to the dentist?) and then there's the perky person who gets the GOLD for baking for tons of others....and delivering them in the colorful tins to all the people she knows at the bank, grocery, pharmacy. UGH. I'm doing good to take Walmart cookies out of a box, slap them on a tray from Kmart and cover them with decorative plastic wrap IF I can find any this time of year and NOT let them slide off my front seat or forget to NOT set them down on the coffee table while I start my car...and the DOGS eat them. THAT is what I get a gold medal for - (announcing this years Gold medal winner in NO DOG ATE HER COOKIES CAUSE SHE REMEMBERED NOT TO LEAVE THE PLATTER ON THE COFFEE TABLE) 000hhhh yes it happened.
oh and I got the evil look from my DF (dear fiance) because the baby puppy....OH is she cute...well with all that sugar? she never slept. Noppppppe. Just ran around all night long like her hiney was a motor and I poured jet fuel into it. vvrrrroom...vrrrrrrrrrrrreooooooooooommmm......Nnnneeeeeeeeorrrrrrrrrooom....Watch me....I can go reaaaaaaaaly fast......Talk about ADHD....Dang.
Then there is finding the PERFECT gift event. And with a difficult child it's magnified like a billion times because you WANT to get them a gift....but then? Well (scratches head, exhales and rolls eyes) YOU KNOW they are going to sabotage the day, the week ahead and you have a nice present in the closet, the layaway or under the bed ----wrapped...and of course they BLOW up, and ruin it and you want to GIVE them the nice gift you got because YOU have a lovely heart and it is the season of giving and you managed to give him something out of your hard earned money - then he breaks stuff, ruins stuff, and you know sure as God is in that manger - if you give him that Wii - he's going to break it in a temper tantrum, take it apart, trade it in a month...and you think "WHY BOTHER?" .....so defeated you take the Bronze in present giving....while everyone else sits in the mall and talks over you about THE PERFECT GIFT. Well not this year honey - I got the perfect gift. I put him on a train and said "HAVE A NICE HOLIDAY." and I'm having a peaceful week alone. He wanted to have the gold.....he got it. I wanted to have him here....he wanted to be with his Daddy. Fine.....Dad's a jerk.....GO FOR IT. I'm not wrong either -We gave him his computer system and before he left for the train? We found the computer unhooked and laying on it's side under a pile of clothes 1o minutes after he got it. Coincidence? Gold to bronze? I think not.
Then there is tree trimming event. yeah I love this. It starts out to BE a family event and what it ends up to be is like the 4th leg of the 440 relay - you're truly all alone. Also when you put the tree AWAY? You are all alone......except you're running the entire MILE....ALONE.....How much fun is anticipating THAT? (Not much) and how long does all that HAPPY HAPPY Christmas sit in the hall waiting to go to the attic? So no stress there huh?
And lets not forget the Christmas DINNER.....Who shops, buys, unloads the car, puts it away, cooks, plans, serves, cleans? (tapping finger waiting for an answer here Bootsy) Could it be........(mmmmm YOU?)
How about 364 days a year....It's you. You....YOU.......YOU.....dealing with life, every day stress, AND for kicks almost every month BUT August (great Month - MY birthday ----write that down....
) there is some HOLIDAY to mess stuff up....that SAYS.....YOU MUST....and it starts our stress all over again. Nope...NADA.
I have enough stress every single day of my every day life....you add in a difficult child, his bulllllllllllll.....ohhhhhhh.....kneeeeee....and then bills, gas prices, a boss that does this.
(okay that's what I hear) and all the other junk that woment have to ENDURE - that time of the month, saggy body parts, frizzy hair, zits at OVER 40 - i MEAN come on, A SON who brings another puppy home, the stress of kids alone, then hand me one that's mentally ill for crying out loud, a flat tire, a jerky neighbor, a new cell phone that butt dials, prices of cereal, dog food on the floor in bare feet, dog piddle with new socks (nice), and then just for fun....toss in a Holiday where I feel like I'm never going to be good enough to get even a stainless steel medal let alone a bronze one?
And you want to know when the numbness will wear off????
Sista'.......pass the Captain Morgan this way.....(motions with silly flailing arm movements) WHO would WANT the numbness to wear off??? I think somedays that and being a witch is the only thing that keeps me going.
Ah but seriously? Try.....being a little less concerned with it all....and honestly lower the expectations you have and just do what you can do. It's not failing, it's not even lowering.....it's attaining a goal that is within reach for now. Small successes are what give us the ability to move forward and (to quote the Rudolph show) Put one foot in front of the other....and soon you'll be walking out the door.
It's okay if you don't have any Christmas Spirit. I have enough for 10 of us....and when you are ready? I'll throw some at you...or sprinkle it....or wish it for you madly.....YOU HAVE FRIENDS that care now. (And are just so dang understanding) .......(hands gold medal for friendship) ----see there? Ya got one already!
MERRY CHRISTMAS< FESTIVUS, CHANUKAH, BOOTSY DAY!
(that last one? I made up just for you) ----say it like Forrest Gump.
Hugs & Love & BOATLOADS of Spirit being wished for you.
---Just don't know why the rum is ALWAYS gone. (said like Captain Jack Sparrow)
Star....