confuzzled
Member
::
i'm kind of at a loss on what to do with this. i'll preface by saying DD12 has made nothing short of amazing progress lately--so far school has been great (said in a whisper before i jinx it).
anyway...her last big issue is social stuff. this weekend was the "playdate from heck". for reasons unknown to me, a girl is *desperate* to be mines friend. she calls semi-often to hang out with mine. so she called to hang on sat and mine was iffy on it, but i sort of made her. we originally had plans but the kid wasnt allowed to go, so we changed them on the fly to go to the park instead.
so...(insert this is my fault here). she came home with us after the park. and literally, i couldnt get rid of her. mine wasnt overly nice to begin with, and kept insisting she wanted to be alone, which is a recurrent theme here. after 4 hours, mine had a complete meltdown--crying, saying mean things to the kid, "i dont want to be your friend" type of stuff.
she stayed another 3 hours. :| her choice. (that was also bizarro--even husband said her homelife must really stink if she's insisting on putting up with ours)
so obviously i was mortified. i couldnt NOT believe the behavior of mine. i could see the anxiety brewing in mine and i should have stopped it then before it got out of control. my bad. i absolutely recognize that IF there is a next time, it needs to be an organized activity with a firm time limit--an hour or two, thats it.
sooooooo....my question is,
IS it ever ok to just isolate yourself and be a loner?
DO i stop pushing for her to have a social outlet?
Would you take a step back since she's insisting she doesnt "need friends"?
am i just spinning my wheels trying to force sociability?
i'm not sure this is a completely "unfixable" problem--she wasnt always like this. its part of what makes it seem like she's on the spectrum (seems like the poster child for it sometimes), but in her case, its actually probably *not* that. she's been in a social skills group, and its not that she doesnt know what to do, its that she seemingly can't implement it in real life--anxiety gets the best of her, regularly. while some of her issues are her, there is a huge component of learned behavior going on--our life was very isolated for a long time. because of that, mine does need her alone time. she's also the kind of kid that has (appropriate to age) alternative interests that are slightly weird to some kids--she's very artsy farty with a huge emphasis on the anime culture...what she's not is a "lets sit around and talk justin beiber" kind of girl, so that further complicates matters. her world tends to revolve around the computer--i'm actually thinking she has an actual addiction. she's pretty quiet and shy too, and has difficulty letting herself have fun.
and i also cant exactly figure out if its this particular kid (she's lovely)....mine continues to say she DOES want to be friends, but is not ready for a "Friendship Commitment", whatever that means. but in my opinion, under no circumstances do i want to expose this kid to mines nuttiness--its just not right.
what i do know is that i can't continue to be the only source of entertainment...she's at an age where she need to have other kids to do stuff with. she doesnt need a million of them, but one or two would be great. i cant decide if it will just happen organically when she finds the "right kid" or if its just never going to be the "right kid"--i do know i'm exhausted trying, and i really have zero idea how to encourage socialness in a 12 year old--its no longer appropriate for ME to be involved even this much.
sorry for rambling...i wanted to give enough background.
ps: just jinxed myself--got the dreaded, PTSD invoking, 8am school call that she just threw up and needed to come home (beats for behavior!)
i'm kind of at a loss on what to do with this. i'll preface by saying DD12 has made nothing short of amazing progress lately--so far school has been great (said in a whisper before i jinx it).
anyway...her last big issue is social stuff. this weekend was the "playdate from heck". for reasons unknown to me, a girl is *desperate* to be mines friend. she calls semi-often to hang out with mine. so she called to hang on sat and mine was iffy on it, but i sort of made her. we originally had plans but the kid wasnt allowed to go, so we changed them on the fly to go to the park instead.
so...(insert this is my fault here). she came home with us after the park. and literally, i couldnt get rid of her. mine wasnt overly nice to begin with, and kept insisting she wanted to be alone, which is a recurrent theme here. after 4 hours, mine had a complete meltdown--crying, saying mean things to the kid, "i dont want to be your friend" type of stuff.
she stayed another 3 hours. :| her choice. (that was also bizarro--even husband said her homelife must really stink if she's insisting on putting up with ours)
so obviously i was mortified. i couldnt NOT believe the behavior of mine. i could see the anxiety brewing in mine and i should have stopped it then before it got out of control. my bad. i absolutely recognize that IF there is a next time, it needs to be an organized activity with a firm time limit--an hour or two, thats it.
sooooooo....my question is,
IS it ever ok to just isolate yourself and be a loner?
DO i stop pushing for her to have a social outlet?
Would you take a step back since she's insisting she doesnt "need friends"?
am i just spinning my wheels trying to force sociability?
i'm not sure this is a completely "unfixable" problem--she wasnt always like this. its part of what makes it seem like she's on the spectrum (seems like the poster child for it sometimes), but in her case, its actually probably *not* that. she's been in a social skills group, and its not that she doesnt know what to do, its that she seemingly can't implement it in real life--anxiety gets the best of her, regularly. while some of her issues are her, there is a huge component of learned behavior going on--our life was very isolated for a long time. because of that, mine does need her alone time. she's also the kind of kid that has (appropriate to age) alternative interests that are slightly weird to some kids--she's very artsy farty with a huge emphasis on the anime culture...what she's not is a "lets sit around and talk justin beiber" kind of girl, so that further complicates matters. her world tends to revolve around the computer--i'm actually thinking she has an actual addiction. she's pretty quiet and shy too, and has difficulty letting herself have fun.
and i also cant exactly figure out if its this particular kid (she's lovely)....mine continues to say she DOES want to be friends, but is not ready for a "Friendship Commitment", whatever that means. but in my opinion, under no circumstances do i want to expose this kid to mines nuttiness--its just not right.
what i do know is that i can't continue to be the only source of entertainment...she's at an age where she need to have other kids to do stuff with. she doesnt need a million of them, but one or two would be great. i cant decide if it will just happen organically when she finds the "right kid" or if its just never going to be the "right kid"--i do know i'm exhausted trying, and i really have zero idea how to encourage socialness in a 12 year old--its no longer appropriate for ME to be involved even this much.
sorry for rambling...i wanted to give enough background.
ps: just jinxed myself--got the dreaded, PTSD invoking, 8am school call that she just threw up and needed to come home (beats for behavior!)