CDN_DAD_in_tough
Member
The consequences are that if he won't comply, I am having him removed and putting him in the system. I'll be turning him over to CFS...
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
OK. Good luck.
CDN_DAD_in_tough
Member
thx I need it.
dayatatime
Member
Wow. This is all really familiar.
CDN_DAD- my son was so much like yours. Reading your posts make me so happy that I gave custody to the state. I did it at a little moment where he was out of my house, but due to come back. I sent a certified letter saying that I was unable to care for him and wouldn't be picking him up. There was a lot of intimidation.... he's your responsibility.... abandonment, etc, but it wan't real, and I had my therapist to back me up- say I couldn't care for him.... I can say more if it's helpful.
Go Slow- when my son was in the house I lived out of a safe- jewelry, medications, keys, etc. all went in there the second i got home. At the moment because he visits and has figured out that destroying childhood mementos is the best way to stab me, I will be bringing my photo albums to friend's house so he can't destroy them. He was here and things were crazy the other night so old survival stuff I learned from the years he lived here kicked in: I slept with my cloths on, holding my keys, and with my phone right with me.
I'd put the local precinct's number in your phone- I think I did that well in advance of becoming willing to dial them. I developed relationships with the youth officers and the domestic violence officers at the local precinct.
I kept a paper trail, recording all failed interventions so when things came to a head and some new case worker/PO/whomever came into the picture I could just print it instead of having to try and remember all the years stuff.
I installed a second lock. One lock only I have the key to, one lock he has the key to.
I got lots of help for myself. Alonon, therapy, more therapy, group therapy, more alonon, spiritual communities, family therapy, etc.
I started working outside the house. I worked from home. But the structure of changing to an environment of a group of people helped.
Exercise. I'm falling down there now- but swimming and yoga are my favorites- because they are slow and paced and relaxing.
I try to be careful about whom I talk to about the situation. Most people don't understand. It isn't helpful to hear their feedback. I don't tell my mother much- she's so fast to reject my son and that's too painful to me. And am almost always do not feel supported by my regular friends on the topic. They just don't get it.
Talking to people who do get it: opening up about how bad it really was let me start seeing how bad it really was.
Ultimately, for me, it came down to accepting that I really, really couldn't find a sane way to live with insanity, or reason with unreasonable.....
I can to accept that my own life had value. That I mattered. That's the biggest way I made it through.
CDN_DAD- my son was so much like yours. Reading your posts make me so happy that I gave custody to the state. I did it at a little moment where he was out of my house, but due to come back. I sent a certified letter saying that I was unable to care for him and wouldn't be picking him up. There was a lot of intimidation.... he's your responsibility.... abandonment, etc, but it wan't real, and I had my therapist to back me up- say I couldn't care for him.... I can say more if it's helpful.
Go Slow- when my son was in the house I lived out of a safe- jewelry, medications, keys, etc. all went in there the second i got home. At the moment because he visits and has figured out that destroying childhood mementos is the best way to stab me, I will be bringing my photo albums to friend's house so he can't destroy them. He was here and things were crazy the other night so old survival stuff I learned from the years he lived here kicked in: I slept with my cloths on, holding my keys, and with my phone right with me.
I'd put the local precinct's number in your phone- I think I did that well in advance of becoming willing to dial them. I developed relationships with the youth officers and the domestic violence officers at the local precinct.
I kept a paper trail, recording all failed interventions so when things came to a head and some new case worker/PO/whomever came into the picture I could just print it instead of having to try and remember all the years stuff.
I installed a second lock. One lock only I have the key to, one lock he has the key to.
I got lots of help for myself. Alonon, therapy, more therapy, group therapy, more alonon, spiritual communities, family therapy, etc.
I started working outside the house. I worked from home. But the structure of changing to an environment of a group of people helped.
Exercise. I'm falling down there now- but swimming and yoga are my favorites- because they are slow and paced and relaxing.
I try to be careful about whom I talk to about the situation. Most people don't understand. It isn't helpful to hear their feedback. I don't tell my mother much- she's so fast to reject my son and that's too painful to me. And am almost always do not feel supported by my regular friends on the topic. They just don't get it.
Talking to people who do get it: opening up about how bad it really was let me start seeing how bad it really was.
Ultimately, for me, it came down to accepting that I really, really couldn't find a sane way to live with insanity, or reason with unreasonable.....
I can to accept that my own life had value. That I mattered. That's the biggest way I made it through.
Record keeping is essential, especially if you are turning a child over to the state. If they think it is because he is just acting out once or twice, or that you haven't tried to get help, they will push a LOT harder to charge you with abandonment/neglect/whatever. If you can prove that you have tried and the child has consistently endangered you, you are in much better shape to fight any charges.
Keep calling the cops. For the child who takes long showers when others need the shower, turn the hot water off after 15 minutes. Heck, my grandfather gave my dad, uncle and aunt 10 min of hot water each, period. My aunt had hair down to her waist and she didn't get extra time, just ten minutes. It didn't matter when they showered, ten min of hot water was all they got. Be prepared for him to come out of the shower blazingly angry and aggressively violent though.
I strongly, strongly recomment the book Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic. It has some amazing solutions that are logical and actually work. I went to a seminar given by one of the authors that had the funniest moment. It was unplanned, which I verified because the mother involved is a friend of my father in law. The speaker (author) was recommending pawning a possession like a video game system to pay for someone to do a chore that a teen was supposed to do but refused to do. Then the teen gets teh pawn ticket and what they do with it is up to them, other than pawn your stuff (that is theft, but as the parent it is not theft because children do not legally own things). Then a mid twenties man blurted out "That's why you did that!" all of a sudden. A woman started laughing and said, "yes, I had just been to a seminar like this and read his book and followed it. It sure turned you around - look at you now. I haven't had to call the police on you since that time!" The speaker had them explain what was going on, that they were both teachers, and were mother and very difficult teen son who was turned around and now was a Special Education teacher in a high school. The mother used these methods on her then defiant, drug using son who refused to do ANYTHING she wanted him to do, and they worked.
I knew of the school system they said they worked in, and it was one my father in law worked in. I asked him about her, and he knew her and her son, and he had been a counselor there when her son was in trouble. So they were not a plant and it was not a made up story. It really was true. I can say the methods really helped with my son. Plus they were methods that made sense to my husband, so they helped my husband and I work together and stay on the same page, which is crucial when you are parenting, regardless of your marital status.
GoSlow, until you are ready to get him out of your home, or make him incredibly uncomfortable by calling the cops and insisting he stop a LOT of his behaviors, and you are willing to stop doing things that cater to him in ANY way (NOT that I am saying you spoil him, just that you walk on eggshells around him to keep the peace because you are worn down by him - you have to be, and I have been there myself with my own difficult child and mine was in elementary school when he had me worn down to that point!, so NO judgements being made), there isn't much that is going to change. I would start going through his stuff and calling the cops for anytihng illegal. But I have zero tolerance for that in my home. I would also have major fits about anything being smoked in my home, especially given the danger of secondhand smoke. If he was violent with me, the cops would be there so fast his head would spin. That just isn't acceptable.
I really think given all he has put you through, you should go to the DV center and ask for help. I know here they didn't really have a program for parents who were abused by their kids, but they put one together when I needed one. It was incredibly helpful and it cost nothing. I had private therapy and they also provided a number of books that were helpful.
Keep calling the cops. For the child who takes long showers when others need the shower, turn the hot water off after 15 minutes. Heck, my grandfather gave my dad, uncle and aunt 10 min of hot water each, period. My aunt had hair down to her waist and she didn't get extra time, just ten minutes. It didn't matter when they showered, ten min of hot water was all they got. Be prepared for him to come out of the shower blazingly angry and aggressively violent though.
I strongly, strongly recomment the book Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic. It has some amazing solutions that are logical and actually work. I went to a seminar given by one of the authors that had the funniest moment. It was unplanned, which I verified because the mother involved is a friend of my father in law. The speaker (author) was recommending pawning a possession like a video game system to pay for someone to do a chore that a teen was supposed to do but refused to do. Then the teen gets teh pawn ticket and what they do with it is up to them, other than pawn your stuff (that is theft, but as the parent it is not theft because children do not legally own things). Then a mid twenties man blurted out "That's why you did that!" all of a sudden. A woman started laughing and said, "yes, I had just been to a seminar like this and read his book and followed it. It sure turned you around - look at you now. I haven't had to call the police on you since that time!" The speaker had them explain what was going on, that they were both teachers, and were mother and very difficult teen son who was turned around and now was a Special Education teacher in a high school. The mother used these methods on her then defiant, drug using son who refused to do ANYTHING she wanted him to do, and they worked.
I knew of the school system they said they worked in, and it was one my father in law worked in. I asked him about her, and he knew her and her son, and he had been a counselor there when her son was in trouble. So they were not a plant and it was not a made up story. It really was true. I can say the methods really helped with my son. Plus they were methods that made sense to my husband, so they helped my husband and I work together and stay on the same page, which is crucial when you are parenting, regardless of your marital status.
GoSlow, until you are ready to get him out of your home, or make him incredibly uncomfortable by calling the cops and insisting he stop a LOT of his behaviors, and you are willing to stop doing things that cater to him in ANY way (NOT that I am saying you spoil him, just that you walk on eggshells around him to keep the peace because you are worn down by him - you have to be, and I have been there myself with my own difficult child and mine was in elementary school when he had me worn down to that point!, so NO judgements being made), there isn't much that is going to change. I would start going through his stuff and calling the cops for anytihng illegal. But I have zero tolerance for that in my home. I would also have major fits about anything being smoked in my home, especially given the danger of secondhand smoke. If he was violent with me, the cops would be there so fast his head would spin. That just isn't acceptable.
I really think given all he has put you through, you should go to the DV center and ask for help. I know here they didn't really have a program for parents who were abused by their kids, but they put one together when I needed one. It was incredibly helpful and it cost nothing. I had private therapy and they also provided a number of books that were helpful.
CDN_DAD_in_tough
Member
well yeah the water thing is fine except the shower I have in my basement apartment happens to be between the hot water tank and the outside area - meaning you can't get at it if the bathroom door is locked. We have turned the temp down on the tank though so the hot water does run out fairly quick. But yes, the ultimate outcome would be pretty much the same anyway - a raging fit.
