Some thoughts about difficult child and this weekend

[SuZir]

I just came back from dropping difficult child to his train. Our weekend went much better than I feared. In fact it was almost fun to have difficult child here - and it had been really fun to have him, if I wouldn't had been waiting other shoe to drop. I also believe that day with father in law and actually having a talk with his dad did world of good to him. (I did try to pry what they talked about from husband. "Things", he told me. How very enlightening. And when I asked difficult child what took them so long: "We talked", was his version. So I think I may safely assume they consider it private between two of them. But both were calm after that so I think they most likely had a good chat.)

Except Thursday night when he was being horrible, difficult child was actually nice to be around. Went ice fishing with father in law, played outside with easy child, went with us to cheer for easy child at his game, helped a bit with kitchen reno and was very much taking part. He slept really a lot though, almost double his normal, I think. May be that he was sleep deprived when he came, he said he hadn't been able to sleep well and in certain situations not at all. Could of course also be a sign of depression. I also had a nagging feeling that I was missing something. What that was I understood just before it was time for him to go.

difficult child was behaving and relating to us extremely childlike whole time he was here. That I hadn't seen from him in long time, in almost three years. Last year he lived at home he was secretive and withdrawn (and active addict like we later found out, and of course hiding the incident that caused also this crisis.) After he moves out of home he continued to be withdrawn and quite quickly also become quite independent. Year ago he started to be more open and forthcoming with us, but it was clear that in all his immaturity, in certain level he was an independent adult. When he was here some time last summer, he was having different roles too and at times reminded more the surly teenager or curious smaller child he used to be and at times was in fact quite delightful young man, but still behind that it was very clear, he was making his decisions independently and didn't consider that he would have to answer to us. Now he wasn't relating to us like independent adult, but it really was like he would had been a child again, back living at home. This is difficult to explain and I was only able to put it into words to myself just before he was leaving and called his girlfriend about picking him up from train and called few other people and I saw him shift back to an adult role. It is difficult to explain, but the shift was so clear that I can't explain it any other way than that few days he was being a child again.

Okay, I'm being an armchair psychologist here, but maybe that was, what he needed from us now. Few easy days to rest both physically and mentally by taking a role of a carefree child without the pressure of being in charge of his own life. I may be naive, but for that we are happy to oblige and I hope that helps him to carry on little bit further again. If nothing else, I got a bone-tired kid spoiling for fight and I sent back much calmer and rested kid, so I will declare it a success.

 

[buddy]

Amazing! And you explained it very well. Makes sense.

I forget sometimes English is not your first language. You're so articulate.

I really hope his head is cleared, He feels more grounded, and he has a good week. Keep us updated!

 

[DDD]

I, too, enjoyed your recapitulation of the visit. Surely sounds like it was curative in a number of ways. One thing I found myself thinking (and perhaps it is not true in your culture) but even full grown men often seek the comforts of childhood when they are solely in the company of their Mom...or sometimes Dad. My brother was an Air Force Colonel with lots of responsibilities and his own family. on the other hand when he and his family came to Florida to visit my parents he always found the opportunity to lay on my parents bed for at least a few hours sharing with our Mom. My easy child/difficult child will be 26 this week and carries himself out in the world as a "full grown man" BUT at least once a week or so he finds a way to come visit me and share personal (less sophisticated) conversations.

I tend to think that having a chance to retrogress a bit is hugely important to grown men under stress. Expectations at home are not as they are out in the world...or with girlfriend's and wives. My easy child law enforcement honcho son also seeks out those opportunities to be alone although he does not get them often as his wife is resentful of our bond. SO, lol, I think your son may have benefited greatly from the break and knowing he is loved. Fingers crossed it serves him well upon his return to his team. Hugs DDD

 

[StressedM0mma]

Well, I would say, he felt comfortable enough to put his guard down at home, and let someone else take care of him. I know I still like to lie in my mom and dad's bed, and talk to her while she is getting ready. And, when I visit, she babies me by cooking all the meals, and making sure my favorite foods are there. (And I am 42!!) I think everyone needs a break from "being a grownup" every once in awhile.

 

[Calamity Jane]

It's been a very long time since I took a "real" vacation, but is it a stretch to say that difficult child took a mini vacation this weekend? We all need to relax and regress for a short while, as long as we can regroup, pull ourselves together and then continue with our real life responsibilities.
It's refreshing to know you can count on your family when you need that restoration.

 

[SuZir]

While difficult child's role shift went little farther than just coming home to be babied a bit (which of course is very common also in our culture) I think it is safe to say, it was about that. Coming to safe place to unwind and rest. Considering what happened it probably shouldn't be a surprise difficult child is having hard time letting his guard down enough to sleep in the bus or even in hotel room. These are of course totally different people, but pranks etc. are common and popular part of about any sport team's culture. And while they are not meant to hurt, they can be quite rough and with difficult child's background that is likely to be very triggering. Not only because this one incident but just all the years of being bullied in school and unpopular in his various sport groups. He has always been in the lowest part of any pecking order and had a rough end of the stick in this. And just because now he is in the environment with much stricter rules for pranks and he isn't being pranked isn't enough to make him feel safe now that memories of that one incident are so close to surface for him.

I haven't heard from difficult child after he left, but I hoped that is a good sign. And at least he should have had quiet early week. His team is on the road and he is training with one trainer who was left home and maybe with some other injured guys (if they are up to train.) So emotionally and socially easier to difficult child. I do hope he can pull it together and get out from injured list. He will be very disappointed to himself if he can't. And to be honest they are not likely to go far in play-offs so season will not likely continue much longer. After that there will likely be some hard things to deal with (like difficult child's future, he is under contract, but we have no idea if his team is going to keep him or cut him off. It depends from many things, of course mostly how they will predict him to do next season. If they feel they can not trust him to do the job, it can get rough.) But after those things get cleared out (and unfortunately that can take even few months and till that we can't do anything but wait for their decision), summer training period will be much less pressured and calm time for difficult child.

 

[SuZir]

difficult child got himself out from the injured list and back to the active roster. Could tell more about the need from the side of the team than difficult child's improved behaviour/attitude though. He did anyway sound focused and determined when I called him last night.

Them getting this far was already a surprise so no one really expects them get far and it is very likely their season will be over soon. Then difficult child will have few weeks off totally before their off-season training starts again. I do worry that his team decides that he is too labile and they can not use him next season. Luckily our athletes can not be sold and bought like used cars and they do have a say in the matter, but of course it could still turn ugly. There are few teams that could be catastrophic fits for him and one of them has even showed some signs of interest. His team's management has been really great to him, but I can't help but worry a little. It is such a complicated situation. And of course moving anywhere, even if an excellent fit, would destroy his support system and that would be needed to build again from scratches. Especially bad it would be for his therapy, they are middle of the process, changing therapist would be a big setback. His mental coach/sport psychiatric we could most likely keep working with him. Either as a part of the contract with the new team or by paying for it ourselves. He has been such a great help that we really don't want to loose him.

I'm happy that difficult child seems calmer and focused, but I'm majorly stressed over him.