Something Helpful

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, Jan 12, 2013.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

  2. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Barbara! Is that really you? What's going on?

    I hope you are OK. I'm sending you a hug.

    Love, Esther
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Great article, thanks for sharing it!
  4. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Esther?!? :O)

    Oh, it's so nice to be remembered!

    We're doing so much better, now. Finding that piece I posted the address for helped us to feel human while making the decisions we knew were necessary. What's happening is that we're finding it hard to enjoy the lives we've gone on to create without feeling it all turn to dust in our hands when one of the kids is in crisis. It's not even just a question of money, anymore. It's a question of time. We are both getting older, and are beginning to resent the months given over to helping resolve crisis after crisis that is not of our making. Acknowledging the resentment, we see ourselves as terrible parents, heartless human beings...failures as people. Labeling these feelings has helped us understand what it is we have been feeling. I think we are on the other side of those feelings, now. Or at least, we are aware of them enough to be able to counter them to a degree.

    Very strange, to realize you do not feel entitled to take joy in the life you have created.

    It was so nice to see your response, Esther! I feel stronger. Thank you! And recoveringenabler, I see you are moderating the site, now. Thank you for that. Suz was the moderator, back when I posted so often. She leaped in to pick me up and set me on the right track again more times than I can count. You have taken on an incredible responsibility. When we are in such trouble with our kids, we sometimes forget to express our appreciation for the moderators and for the site. I still look back and understand that I would never have made it through without this site.

    Well, not in one piece, anyway! :O)
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Barbara!! How nice to see you. I'm glad that you have found peace and moved on with your life. That shouldn't stop you from posting and letting us know how your are doing from time to time. I missed you.

    I often think of you and some of the others from the old days. I wonder how sunnyflorida and ponygirl are doing. We do hear from Suz and Fran every once in a while.

    I copied this from the article because I thought it was especially pertinent for those of us who have loved ones with substance abuse issues:

    Thank you for sharing!

  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hey, Stranger. Thought I would toss in that Sunny and I are hooking up at Chili's next week when I head out for a Dr's appointment. She, Deb and I have tried to get together every year but skipped last one. I wish more of us could get together and get updated. It's good to see you, Barbara. DDD
  7. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Barbara! So very nice to see you. It's been such a long time.
    I am very glad to hear that you're finding peace and taking joy in your life.

  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    DDD, which Chili's? I think you are all farther north than we are. I WAS able to meet Sunny, once. :O)

    Kathy 813! My goodness ladies, it's like I have never stopped posting! So very nice to feel you all out there, again.
  9. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Trinity! :O)

    I saw your post just as I posted in response to DDD and Kathy 813. Such a rush of warmth with each of the names I remember so well! I will have to go through some of the recent posts to learn how each of us is doing these days. Thanks, Trinity!
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You're right. We're in Florida but the Margaritas likely taste just as good where you are, LOL DDD
  11. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hi Barbara, it is really wonderful to hear from you. Hopefully, you are making progress in this crazy life we live.
  12. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Wow, blast from the past! Welcome back!
  13. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member

    Welcome back, Barbara! I'm going to miss having my annual margarita with DDD and Sunny, but if you want to sit in my seat this time, I'll toast you cyberly. :) I'm hoping to get down there in the Spring, DDD, so don't permanently give away my seat just yet. lol

  14. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Barbara, good to see you. Hope you are enjoying the peach that comes with true detachment.
  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Barbara,

    This forum was home to me for a decade and posters, like you, were more family to me at times than my own. Thank you for making me feel as if I helped you. It means a lot.

  16. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    Hi Barbara! Very nice to 'see' you. :)

    Good article. Thanks!
  17. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Hi Barbara! I am glad you are doing well. -RM
  18. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Suz! :O) Still waiting for Mr. Gere, I see. When is that man going to wake up?!? And you did make a difference for me, Suz. It is almost impossible to change our definitions of success or failure, or to refocus intent. You truly did help me learn how to think about and redefine a situation I never in a million years envisioned for myself. You taught me how to respond, right down to the words I would need. And it all worked, Suz. Once I could get my eyes open, once I took those first steps into "not the perfect, ever loving, non-judgmental mom" I was able, just a little bit at a time, to become a healthier mom. (I'm still working on that part.)

    And Fran! :O) I have made progress, Fran. And that all began for me when you, who seemed so competent and together, shared with all of us "The Scream". Do you remember that? I understood then that no one had singled me out, that my failure to have created what I'd focused my life on was simply, the truth ~ and that I would, like you had done, need to learn how to be the best I knew to be, and do the best I knew to do with my children and with my life. So, I am stronger now, instead of destroyed.

    And Witz, and Kathy 813. :O) (You've changed your avatar, Kathy ~ I like this one alot!). Deb and everywoman, Sheila and DDD and rejectedmom. Oh, we've been through so much together. I see Dammit Janet is still with us, too. (Hey, Dammit!). Does anyone know whether Going North is still posting?

    Remember those cyber parties we used to have? And the thread on Gray's Anatomy, and how we laughed at those panties on the bulletin board?!?


    Laughter has been as much a piece of how we've all survived what's happened to our kids as sharing what we've learned about how to respond to them.

    I'm so glad I came back.
  19. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Barb, laughter has gotten me through a great deal. You are right. You sound pretty healthy right now. I'm glad for you.
    It's funny that you brought up "The Scream". Every once in a while when someone asks pointed questions about difficult child that locked door, opens a crack and all that anguish washes up into my voice and the tears start to gather in my eyes. I don't think anyone who experiences the degree of pain we parents of difficult child's feels can get up and have a life until we find a way to get past it. I am a mother of difficult child but I am a woman, a wife, a mom, a friend, and on and on. I won't let one role to suffocate the other roles. But "the Scream" is still behind that shut door.

    Hope your life moves ahead with peace and joy and a little less difficult child trauma's.
  20. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Barbara, I'm also so pleased you came back! I hope you'll stay with us. I may not write here very often, but I come here at least twice a day, just to look in and to feel at home with the "family."

    Love, Esther