Something irritating advice please.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by A dad, Nov 27, 2016.

  1. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    So my youngest and the leasy succesful of my children caused some issues in my family.
    So for several months he moves 300km away mostly to get a job.
    I underatand him where we live its not a good job market but my wife is quite upset on him because he got a job well stocking shelves and another one as a security guard. I am proud of him I want him on his own 2 feet and he achieved that.
    But my wife thinks he can do better and well he says he can not. I am trying to stay neutral here but something happened.
    We planned to visit my son for the christams holliday as we have free time then in a argument my son said to that we should not come if we are gonna argue about his future again.
    I wanted to go to him he will work on hollidays and can not come.
    So here is the thing my wife said she will not go because she does not accept the conditions and said that I should stick with her decision and not go to him on hollidays.
    We could have a nice holliday here with oldest also but I do miss him and I really do not care about his decisions about his future but I do not want to undermine my wife and her decisions.
    Any advice?
  2. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    A dad, you are in a difficult position. You want to stand as one with your wife, and you love your son, are proud of his accomplishments, and want to support him as well.

    It took me a long time to accept that one of my daughters would not follow the path that I had hoped for her.

    After years of joblessness, she appears to have a job in a local factory.

    I can honestly say that I am very proud of her because almost ANY job was preferable to her being unemployed and emotionally troubled.

    We cannot control the direction that our children's lives will take. I gave up worrying what other people thought about my family. Most people are involved in their own lives anyway.

    It sounds as though your son is satisfied with his two jobs, and he wants his mother's love and acceptance above all else.

    I see this as her challenge. In your shoes, I would encourage her to look beyond your son's living conditions and jobs, and try to focus on the love she has for your son.
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  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Is there a way to plan two Christmas get togethers? One where you live and one with your other son? I would hope that differences could be set aside for one day and just enjoy time together.

    I know relationships are different, and I don't know yours... I would make the effort to see a child that is making improvements. Having two jobs and living on his own is a huge step.

    I guess I would go, and give my spouse the option of joining me.

  4. RiverFox

    RiverFox New Member

  5. RiverFox

    RiverFox New Member

    This is a great reply.. Our children will not necessarily "be" who we had envisioned them to be or do..
  6. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I do think my son is able to do more but I do not expect him to do more.
    My expectations are to a certain limit after you pass them I let them go.
    Its what I think its healthy to do but I do understand my wife also you do make a future for your child in your mind and its hard to let that go especially with the time and efort you put so your child gets there.
  7. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I hear where your wife is coming from, A dad, but I have to say I don't agree with it.

    It is your son's life, and he is supporting himself with no assistance from you. You told him to get on his own feet, and he did. I would be thrilled with that.

    Maybe he will aspire to do more one day, or maybe not. But I feel sure he likely won't ever develop that confidence if all he hears from his parents is how deficient he is.

    I will be brutally honest here, but if I were in your son's shoes, I would not want my parents to visit either, if they were going to spend the day telling me I'm not measuring up.

    I understand you are in a difficult place, but I think the problem lies not with your son, but with your wife's inability to accept your son's progress.
  8. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    A dad,
    I agree with the comments / advice from the others above. I commend your son for his independence and his accomplishments in his life, per his own initiative and desires in his own heart and mind. Very often we see more potential for our children and wish they would achieve more. Many on this forum (including myself) have expressed how they realized a need to accept and surrender to the truth that their difficult child would likely never rise to the excelling potential we as parents had hoped for. You understand this, but your wife has not yet reached this point.

    I can see that it is very important to you to go see your son. It is probably important to him also, although he may not be showing it so much.

    Can you explain to your wife that you are proud of your son and miss him and want to show him your love and support by visiting him? You can tell your wife you do understand how she feels, but presently are not as concerned for his future as you are for showing your love and support to him, You believe he is showing a good motivation and start, and it is important to you that you support and commend your son’s efforts.

    I don’t know your family dynamics, but if your wife cannot accompany you to visit your son without critical judgement, would your wife understand and accept for you (alone, without her) to visit your son by yourself for a few days? I personally don’t think this would be undermining her decision to not go herself. While it is important for you and your wife to stick together on many things, perhaps you can lovingly explain that you understand and respect your wife’s position, but you feel a father needs to be a strong support for his son, that you want to be there for him, as your current show of acceptance and approval may indeed inspire him to greater potential in the long run.

    If you can go visit your son for a few days early on, then you could return back home and have the nice holiday together with wife and oldest son. For myself, I would go by myself (without my spouse), if it was really important to me. There may not be another convenient time soon for you to see your son and show your support. It will mean a lot to him. But i understand and empathize with you re: the conflict with your wife.

    Wishing you the best A dad. Take care.
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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    That's a tough spot to be in. Of course we all know that our children could do more but ultimately it's not our choice, it's theirs. The fact that your son has 2 jobs is awesome. I would be thrilled if that were my son.

    Perhaps you can share with your wife that while you agree that your son could do more you need to be supportive of the efforts and progress he made. If he feels that you are proud of him that may motivate him to want to do more.

    Telling him that he can and should do more instead of praising him for what he is doing will only send a message that he's a failure.

    I agree with Kalahou that you may need to go by yourself to see your son. At the very least, you can send him a card or letter telling him how you feel.

    Let us know how things go. Wishing you all the best.