I've missed this thread for a couple of days...
MWM, about difficult child 3's drama class - it has been set up for kids with learning difficulties and for whatever reason, we've got a lot of spectrum kids so the whole thing is geared towards helping them face their fears about performing. All they ever do is perform for themselves or their parents, informally. Us parents sit in the next room chatting and drinking instant coffee while the kids are in the next room with a trained Special Education/Drama teacher, working with the kids and to a large extent, letting the kids drive the class.
Initially I had to really force difficult child 3 to go. I know difficult child 1 used to also hate any performance stuff - if it was his birthday and the teacher said to him, "Stand up while the class sings happy birthday to you," difficult child 3 would spend the next few hours curled up in a ball on the floor. Then towards the end of Grade 5, difficult child 1 discovered that if he takes on a role on stage, it's not him up there but the character he is playing. I never saw his first major performance (I can't remember why I couldn't go) but friends saw it and were blown away - he stole the show! he ad-libbed, he clowned, he stayed in character brilliantly. and since then, he hasn't looked back. Whenever he has to do something in public, he tells himself it is a role and that is how he gets through. He had a helluva time trying to work on his speech for his wedding - as the groom, he HAD to make a speech! Thankfully it was a very low-key wedding, no fuss. And he knew he was among friends and family, that helped.
Back to difficult child 3's drama class - it tends to be very theatre sports oriented. The ability range is huge - there are a couple of Downs kids there, one autistic girl is almost non-verbal and very shy, and then there are a couple of extreme ADHD out of control kids. Quite a mix. And the other high-functioning autistics like difficult child 3 - all he wants to do, is Red Dwarf. We've got the scripts downloaded off the internet, he prints out scripts and takes them in. But not all the other kids can read, or 'get it'.
Sometimes the kids 'write' their own performance pieces. Again, with the teacher guiding them. For example, a piece about a bank robber being caught and turned over to the police by the people in the bank. The kids don't have to do anything they really don't want to do, the teacher works with them where they are at and brings them out form there. Occasionally the kids want to perform for us, and the teacher sticks her head in our door and says, "Can you all come in here for a minute?"
And we watch a performance by our kids. The shyest of them might only be sitting there not responding, but somehow it has been written in.
Over time I have seen some wonderful changes in these kids. They also are marvellously supportive of one another. Our Downs girl is very sensitive, gets upset easily. And one autistic boy seems to really help make her feel better, he just has to give her a hug and she is happy again. He is a lovely guy, not terribly high-functioning but so loving and kind. Whenever he arrives he gives us all a hug. Meanwhile you have difficult child 3 who won't touch anybody because it's not socially acceptable to do so. He is precise, fussy, insistent on things following all rules. ANd HE is learning to be flexible and also to accept that other people don't always function at his level. He has to learn tolerance.
Sometimes these kids get together socially - ten pin bowling is a favourite activity.
I know a drama class seems just such a bad fit for a withdrawn autistic, but for us it has turned out to be a salvation for exactly the reasons you would normally avoid it. Because the difference here - this class has been set up specifically to help these kids, that is the primary aim. Not to teach drama, but to help these kids, through drama, develop their social skills. They're also helping their communication - the non-verbal girl is talking more each week and really enjoys being with the other kids - they are all accustomed to one another now, and will tolerate what the teacher does in order to have fun together. As a result, she is doing even better. She said hello to me a couple of weeks ago, totally unprompted. And yet when she first joined, she would be sitting behind her mother in our room, howling wordlessly and we thought she was going to be just too difficult.
This drama class varies depending on enrolments. Currently there is a younger group and an older group. The younger group currently begins at about 8 years old, with an Aspie girl (no splinter skills). There is also a 12 year old autistic/epileptic girl, and a few others. The class starts at 4 pm. At 5 pm, the younger kids in the first class leave to join their parents and then go home. But the older kids in that group stay there and mix with the older kids. It's partly age-based, partly ability. Until late last year, one of the kids in the early class was an 18 yo boy with global developmental delay. He's actually one of difficult child 3's best friends even though there are probably 100 IQ points between them. Now that boy is in the older class. It begins at 5 pm and continues until 6 pm, but at 5.30 pm the younger kids who began at 4 pm leave (if they could stay the course). This is a prelude to graduating them to the older group. This way they get to know the older kids too, and learn to make the change. it's actually very challenging for them because they have to learn to adapt their behaviour patterns of the older group, who have different behaviour standards. The oldest in the class would be about 20 or more. Occasionally I see kids 'age out' of the classes. So we've also been there for some personal triumphs - when these kids have graduated from high school, or got a job, or got a place on the Special Olympics team. And of course when "Black Balloon" was made... they used the older kids only, the autistics only and a lot of the Black Balloon kids were mid teens and older. difficult child 3 was 12 and the youngest by several years. That was a sheer fluke opportunity and again brilliantly handled.
When difficult child 3 first began drama classes, I insisted on it purely for the social interaction. He spent most of all the classes sitting them out, watching. He hated it, didn't ant to be involved. The teacher at that time worked the kids towards a Christmas performance for parents only. That year it was "The King's Breakfast" by A A Milne and difficult child 3 was supposed to be the King. But the King behaves like a spoilt baby and difficult child 3 said he just couldn't be someone who was not behaving correctly. He had to struggle at the time to be good, and he was working so hard to be a good boy that to be someone who was less than perfect, to deliberately behave badly, was something that hurt him too much inside, he told me. In the end he dropped out of the performance as the King and instead of each kid acting it out, the teacher had them all in different costume (difficult child 3 in plain clothes) all reciting the poem together. And they were all happy with this. Even that much was almost too much for difficult child 3 at the time.
But look at him now! The class has given hi so much self-confidence and like difficult child 1, he uses internal role-playing to help him in situations where he feels less than confident.
Back to schooling issues - the reason our boys have taken longer to finish high school, is because they chose to do it at a half-rate. So they can do only half the subject load each year. The following year they do the rest of the subjects for that grade, but after it's all done, the previous year's work is added on and they graduate that grade. In NSW Australia, this is an option for ALL students, if they choose it. It's called Pathways. I think that has helped - it's not a disability thing, anyone can do it.
When it comes to high-functioning, difficult child 3 is right up there. But sometimes people confuse "high-functioning" with "not as autistic as some". difficult child 3 has a very high IQ with savant skills. But his autism scores in the Moderate range. He can sometimes fudge his way through and "pretend to be normal" but it is a veneer, underneath he can be a quivering wreck. Someone can be high-functioning, but still need a great deal of support. The trouble is, educational authorities see the whole thing as linear and all connected, and it's not.
There need to be other pathway options for education, than forcing a kid through the school grinder. Especially for kids who just don't fit the mill for whatever reasons.
We are lucky in that we do have a wider range of options here, but there can still be other ways, including beginning as a volunteer or with a mentor. You needn't even begin in a field where you want him to have his career. You can begin with something he can handle, even if it looks like a dead end. For example, we had difficult child 1 volunteering at the local zoo. All he had to do was follow instructions, clean out animal pens and feed the animals. He could interact with animals when he couldn't manage well with people. But over time, he had to occasionally interact with the public (such as pointing out the toilet block) and it gave him confidence. Or he might be asked a question about an animal. At first he just pointed to the keeper and said, "Ask him." Then he began to answer questions where he knew the answer, such as "We feed this animal on chopped fruit and every day we put in fresh leaves. The old leaves go to the compost heap."
It builds slowly, over time and with familiarity. And over time, our kids continue to grow.
What we need to do, is keep the level of challenge present for them but not too overwhelming. They need their little successes in order to grow, but without challenge they won't have any change or growth. It's our job as parents to keep applying the change at a rate we feel they can handle.
Your son may not turn out like my son. he may achieve more, he may achieve less. He will undoubtedly achieve different things. Some of difficult child 3's drama class graduate friends who now hold down jobs and we don't see at drama any more (too old) are in the workforce and feel that is success enough. I know these kids are capable of more, but they are happy to have ANY job, and do that job to the best of their abilities. One boy works packing shelves in a supermarket. His savant skills in spatial coordination and his eidetic memory mean he can do really fast stocktake, but the shopkeeper still doesn't know this.
Or you can get a kid with similar skills plus a fascination for numbers and patterns in numbers (but not necessarily mathematical ability) - find that kid a job in a library. it's quiet, it's ideal for someone who likes order as well as for someone who can visualise patterns and arrangements.
You watch your child. You talk to your child. You think outside the square. You try things. You encourage your child to try things. You encourage your child to tell you what they liked about X and what they didn't like about X. No criticism of their opinion of course, because it IS just opinion and as such, is valid.
over time you put this information together in your own head and have some better ideas on the best things to try for your child.
Last Thursday when husband & I were at the mall, there were some people there training therapy dogs. The dogs had working harnesses and coats on (with L plates on the harnesses!) and they were at the mall to get them used to the noise and bustle and still stay on task. I spoke to the workers to find out how you get such a job. I got the information and I've fed it back to daughter in law who I think would be ideal in such a job. If difficult child 1 didn't have a job, he'd have been knocking at their door too! Such a job requires a special person - someone who has an affinity with animals, someone who understands them instinctively, someone who can think outside the square and someone prepared to be meticulous and do every last detail of the job.
There are so many things. You just have to keep your eyes open and grab every opportunity to find out, when you can.
It's all anyone can do. Yes, it's more than most parents should have to - but we aren't most parents. Our kids aren't 'most kids'.
We just do what we have to, and over time it DOES make a difference.
Marg