Son in prison again

[Bettyboo44]

I understand the feeling of guilt for allowing yourself to feel some happiness at this time of the year or guilt for even feeling happy at anytime of the year/week/day, but like you said your daughter has demonstrated these feelings of entrapment for a long time, regardless of what you have said or done! Like you said probably not much has changed, and that has absolutely nothing to do with you and what you say and do/or not say and do. It’s so incredibly difficult but you have to try allow yourself to just be you (not the prisoner yourself /at the mercy of your daughters feelings/actions) do whats needed to make you happy regardless of your daughter’s situation. A situation she’s chose. Happy Thanksgiving (I don’t live in USA but nearing Christmas so am somewhat feeling the celebrations) Sending much love and strength

 

[MommaTried24]

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving too LetGo!

 

[Bettyboo44]

Good for you getting away for a couple of days!! Excellent! I hope you enjoy the peace, quiet and time to yourself.

I’ve came away again today for 11 days (after being at home for 2 days) would stay longer if I could!
I got home and had a chat with my younger son that lives with me but he couldn’t have been more ruthless about my feelings if he tried, actually said to me ‘Well you created this, brought me into the world.’ Indicating the way he behaves is my own fault.
I’m just not able to look at him never mind live with him so here I am at some self catering apartment in goodness knows where was a sporadic decision but I’m glad I’m here, it’s by the beach, so peaceful and cosy.

 

[Copabanana]

‘Well you created this, brought me into the world.’

My son would say a version of this, but he's adopted. He'd say, as if I was responsible for his existence, "Why did you even adopt me?" As if my adopting him was his origin story and the source of his pain. Who cares what they say? Let's get a tougher skin, okay?

They only say this because it works. Once I began to be unaffected by what my son said, he cut it out for the most part.

My attitude began to be, you make your bed, you lie in it. I don't. When you want another kind of bed to sleep in, make a different bed. (To a point. My son is mentally ill.)

by the beach, so peaceful and cosy.

Sounds like bliss. Good, good move.

 

[Bettyboo44]

My son would say a version of this, but he's adopted. He'd say, as if I was responsible for his existence, "Why did you even adopt me?" As if my adopting him was his origin story and the source of his pain. Who cares what they say? Let's get a tougher skin, okay?

They only say this because it works. Once I began to be unaffected by what my son said, he cut it out for the most part.

My attitude began to be, you make your bed, you lie in it. I don't. When you want another kind of bed to sleep in, make a different bed. (To a point. My son is mentally ill.)

Sounds like bliss. Good, good move.

Oh Copabanana I feel like you’re a tough cookie but also you blow me away with your undivided wisdom and care, can’t help but admire you’re absolute selflessness.
I know you’re right, they say it as part of manipulation….I’m seeing it more everyday with my son, almost like I’m a toy in his game! I want out though, don’t want to play this game anymore, especially as I see it for what it is…pure manipulation and control.
And I’m trying to grow a tougher skin, just unsure how to when I’m under the same roof as him , it’s beyond exhausting, I don’t want to go home

 

[Bettyboo44]

When you want another kind of bed to sleep in, make a different bed. (To a point. My son is mentally ill.)

Does he listen? Do you say this because you’re highlighting it’s his choice to make? Is he aware he’s somewhat mentally ill?

 

[Copabanana]

I feel like you’re a tough cookie

Oh my. The last thing I am is a tough cookie.

it’s beyond exhausting, I don’t want to go home

Why not think about asking your son to leave? It's your house. He's legally an adult, isn't he? Why should you leave?

Does he listen?

You're asking me here if my son listens. Yes. More and more.

Do you say this because you’re highlighting it’s his choice to make? Is he aware he’s somewhat mentally ill?

It is his choice to make. My son's life is his own. Not mine. Your sons' lives are theirs, not yours. This is lesson number 1. I had a very hard time accepting that.

My son receives money from the government for being mentally ill. He has for 10 years. He initiated it. I didn't. I have had difficulty accepting his mental illness. But he is seriously mentally ill, although my partner thinks he's manipulating.

But really, that changes nothing. My son is responsible for seeking and accepting help. He's responsible for doing whatever it takes to live in a socially acceptable way.

 

[LetGo]

I understand the feeling of guilt for allowing yourself to feel some happiness at this time of the year or guilt for even feeling happy at anytime of the year/week/day, but like you said your daughter has demonstrated these feelings of entrapment for a long time, regardless of what you have said or done! Like you said probably not much has changed, and that has absolutely nothing to do with you and what you say and do/or not say and do. It’s so incredibly difficult but you have to try allow yourself to just be you (not the prisoner yourself /at the mercy of your daughters feelings/actions) do whats needed to make you happy regardless of your daughter’s situation. A situation she’s chose. Happy Thanksgiving (I don’t live in USA but nearing Christmas so am somewhat feeling the celebrations) Sending much love and strength

Thank you!

 

[LetGo]

I’ve came away again today for 11 days (after being at home for 2 days) would stay longer if I could!
I got home and had a chat with my younger son that lives with me but he couldn’t have been more ruthless about my feelings if he tried, actually said to me ‘Well you created this, brought me into the world.’ Indicating the way he behaves is my own fault.
I’m just not able to look at him never mind live with him so here I am at some self catering apartment in goodness knows where was a sporadic decision but I’m glad I’m here, it’s by the beach, so peaceful and cosy.

I'm glad you have a lovely place to get away to. I am hoping you can find a way for your son to relocate out of your house at some point?

 

[Bettyboo44]

Oh my. The last thing I am is a tough cookie.

Why not think about asking your son to leave? It's your house. He's legally an adult, isn't he? Why should you leave?

You're asking me here if my son listens. Yes. More and more.

It is his choice to make. My son's life is his own. Not mine. Your sons' lives are theirs, not yours. This is lesson number 1. I had a very hard time accepting that.

My son receives money from the government for being mentally ill. He has for 10 years. He initiated it. I didn't. I have had difficulty accepting his mental illness. But he is seriously mentally ill, although my partner thinks he's manipulating.

But really, that changes nothing. My son is responsible for seeking and accepting help. He's responsible for doing whatever it takes to live in a socially acceptable way.

Maybe our children have made us tough? I feel like relaxing or being vulnerable isn’t an option or they’ll pounce as soon as they get a whiff of that!

Yes he’s almost 23, and I have said to him endlessly ‘this living situation’ can’t carry on and he’ll say “yes I really must find my own place” but does nothing. I know he’s just saying what I want to hear, but I have no emotional ties to that home or have any friends or family nearby (besides my sons) so thinking maybe just leave there and start somewhere else, that way we both have to leave. I’ll find my place and he’ll have to find his.

Can I ask why your son is listening more and more?

Thank’s to this amazing forum I’m beginning to understand that my children’s lives are theirs, and theirs alone, as is mine, as is anybody’s and I’m not responsible for the choices THEY make.

Why do you have difficulty accepting your son’s mental illness?

I believe my sons to both be master manipulators. I’m unsure If this is because they gain from it, or is it a personality trait. You say your partner thinks your son is manipulative. If so, I’m not sure having a mental illness is an excuse for your son to be that way.

I agree that mental illness or not, that it’s up to him to try manage life in the most fulfilling way possible and he initiated receiving financial help for it for 10 years, therefore accepting he’s got mental health issues.

However, if he’s only highlighting it for financial gain and possibly an excuse for his actions, then it’s not actually addressing the issue.

 

[Bettyboo44]

I'm glad you have a lovely place to get away to. I am hoping you can find a way for your son to relocate out of your house at some point?

I’m very grateful too I am desperately just craving peace, personal space and comfort. I found this place online and booked it before overthinking it!
I absolutely agree, genuinely can’t live under the same roof as him any longer, I am so so drained

 

[LetGo]

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving too LetGo!

Thank you!!

 

[LetGo]

Why can't I figure out how to make a new post...lol. I wanted to wish everyone here a Happy Thanksgiving, for those of you who celebrate. I am so very thankful for all of you and for this site!

 

[LetGo]

I’m very grateful too I am desperately just craving peace, personal space and comfort. I found this place online and booked it before overthinking it!
I absolutely agree, genuinely can’t live under the same roof as him any longer, I am so so drained

I am so hoping that you can decide to leave and have your own place. Are there resources nearby that your son can access for housing?

 

[Nandina]

Why can't I figure out how to make a new post...lol. I wanted to wish everyone here a Happy Thanksgiving, for those of you who celebrate. I am so very thankful for all of you and for this site!

Hi LetGo, if you still need help with making a new post, if you go to new posts at the top menu (at least as it appears on my screen with Ipad), click on it and over to the right is a prompt for you to post a thread, click on that and it will ask which forum to post on, etc. and follow from there. It might appear differently if you are using a cellphone, in which case I probably can’t help, sorry.

I think there are directions for different functions on this site but not exactly sure where they’re written. It took me forever to learn how to use the quote function! Lol

 

[Bettyboo44]

I am so hoping that you can decide to leave and have your own place. Are there resources nearby that your son can access for housing?

I would absolutely love that . There is but he refuses to access them

 

[LetGo]

Hi LetGo, if you still need help with making a new post, if you go to new posts at the top menu (at least as it appears on my screen with Ipad), click on it and over to the right is a prompt for you to post a thread, click on that and it will ask which forum to post on, etc. and follow from there. It might appear differently if you are using a cellphone, in which case I probably can’t help, sorry.

I think there are directions for different functions on this site but not exactly sure where they’re written. It took me forever to learn how to use the quote function! Lol

Thank you!