starting a new life

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, Mar 14, 2017.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    I haven't been on here for quite a while, but I wanted to let everyone know my progress. I have not seen or talked to my Difficult Child for almost a year now. She texted me a nasty little note a few months back with her usual accusations of being a crappy mom and calling me names, but i just ignored it. She hasn't done one thing to change her life, my grandson is more confused than ever. She left his dad and lived with another guy for a few months, without her son. My grandsons dad married another woman and stayed with her long enough for my grandson to get attached to her and started calling her mom. Now they split up and him and my daughter are back together. Im am so sad for my grandson, but i get him when i can. I had him last friday and saturday and he cried and begged to stay at my house and that broke my heart. On a lighter note I met a wonderful guy 7 months ago, and he treats me like a queen. I am with him on the weekends and I dont see my grandson as much as i use to and I feel guilty about that. especially when his dad has him call me and beg me to come to my house. But I feel like this is finally MY time to enjoy my life while i can. I am 63, and I feel that I have done what I can do and I dont have the energy for all of my daughters drama. Dont get me wrong. I still have weak moments where I feel like I am being selfish. And my daughter can still make me sad with her words and accusations, but I am doing better. Its sad that I dont have a relationship with my daughter, but I can honestly say that I dont know how without making my life miserable. I just hope I can have the strength to not let her ever bring me down again.
     
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  2. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    i am so happy that you have reclaimed your life. No need to feel any guilt at all...you deserve to be HAPPY! that is something that our difficult children never seem to realize. Kudos and hugs to you!
     
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  3. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    I too am enjoying my life apart from my daughter. Do I miss my granddaughters? Yes, very much. Do I miss my daughter? Sort of. I miss the nice daughter, not the mean vindictive daughter. Today is my 21st anniversary with the man who stood by me through 10 years of me enabling my daughter who is now 45. It's amazing to me thast we're still together I'm 71 and living a new life. Deep down there is a sadness that won't go away, but I'm much more at peace now than I've been iin a long time. Enjoy your life soooo tired. Your name says it all. We are tired and ready for a change. Only we can do that!
     
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  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It's good to hear from you!

    How wonderful that you met someone.

    I am so glad you are moving on with your life.

    My heart goes out to you where your grandson is concerned but as you know, you did not create the chaos he lives in. You have done all you can for him and your daughter. It's not your responsibility to take care of him. I know how much it must hurt to hear him beg to stay with you. It is my hope that he will hold onto all the good you offer him as he grows and one day will be able to venture out on his own and be a healthy, happy adult.

    Thanks for checking in with us. I'm so happy you are doing well.

    :group-hug::flowers:
     
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  5. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I am so glad for the update. You are doing really well. You released yourself from the impossible job of being the answer to everyone else's bad choices, you fell in love at 63 (woot!) you are living your own authentic life after you did all the work of parenting for the appropriate time and beyond. All we can do is manage ourselves, and you get a gold star.
    I do hear the sadness. That is real and valid. Sadness is part of life...the dark that allows the light. If we had no night time we would never see stars.
    Holding you tight with great joy for you,

    Echo
     
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  6. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    My daughter just turned 41 and I dont see any change any time soon. I do so wish I could have her in my life, but things would have to change drastically for that to happen. There is a certain amount of sadness. but I want a life before it is to late to enjoy. I hope we can stay strong and keep supporting each other. I am afraid to say but I am sure I have not heard the last from her. Just pray to remain strong when and if that happens. Good luck to you and enjoy all life has to offer!
     
  7. Joanieb

    Joanieb New Member

    For me it's one breath at a time. I'm just full of sadness and disbelief. I wasn't raised in a perfect household but I was taught to be loyal to your family and stay close. I'm 57 am doing I'm still every close to my siblings. My daughter is 36. I was divorced when she was 8 and I probably had too many relationships that didn't work which caused instability for her growing up, I did the best I could though and always had sports, holidays and gave my kids everything I could afford. I watched all their sports, I read them to sleep at night. I went to every school event and drove them to everywhere. I fed them well and spent time to teach them how to cook. My daughter hates me and sent me text messages one calling me a "low life :censored2:". She said I was emotionally abusive and the worts parent ever. I wasn't perfect by any means but I don't think I qualify for that. I would have never said any of those things in a million years to my parents. I read and I'm told that it's her illness talking not her. That's really hard to take on board when it's so personal. My heart is broken. I'm so worried for my grandsons and miss them so much.
     
  8. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Joanieb, I agree with everything you said. I too made mistakes. In my CODA 12 step program, I wrote a letter of amends which my daughter accepted. She speaks to me as long as I'm providing financial support . when I say no, the silent treatment begins. It hurts so bad and I'd love to talk to my granddaughters. Someone told me today to be the positive force.......send some cards, gift cards, etc. I just don't want to do that. Right now I just want to be left alone. It hurts too much. Sending you love and hugs.
     
  9. Joanieb

    Joanieb New Member

    Mamacat, I wrote a letter of amends to my daughter 15 years ago for her 21st birthday. The same stuff was going on with her then. It's been going on a long time. I'm sure she used it for toilet paper and never referred to it or mentioned forgiveness. I guess she thought she couldn't hold me ransom if she forgave me. She also has never thanked me for all the good stuff I did which far outweighs any damage. My health ha sheen crappy lately and I'm having sinus surgery in a week. I'm just not up to dealing with her. I'm going to see if I can take my grandsons for breakfast the day before the surgery but I'm not holding my breath. I see a psychologist every couple of weeks so that's a start. It would be so much easier to turn my back if it wasn't for my grandsons. They love me to bits and me them. She know she they are a good ransom tool.
     
  10. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Joanieb, our stories are so similar. My daughter has moved a thousand miles away so I really can't see my granddaughters. I would like to talk to them however. One has a birthday in April and Easter is coming so I with get a box of goodies together to send. I have an address for her high school friend in the city where she lives. I don't wantto be involved in the day to day drama of her life. In one week I will have knee replacement so right now I'm focusing on getting that done so I can enjoy my remaining years.
     
  11. Joanieb

    Joanieb New Member

    Our journeys do Sou DSL similar. Do you ever wonder what may have contributed and/or have you come to terms with overwhelming feelings of guilt? Everybody tells me I'm not to blame. Even my ex husband, but sometimes I just wrack my brain over the past and wonder if things had been different would she be different? I also just don't get how someone could be so horrible to their parent.
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Joanie, its not you. Its her. Genetic maybe, differently wired thinking, who knows? And heres a secret: it happens a lot these days. We give too much and make sure they suffer no hardship. We do this out of love but there are consequences. I read once or more yhat this is the narcicistic age. Our mothers didnt over worry about everything we did or didnt do and we had chores and i had to babysit for my money. I got no free car or brand name clothes or free ride to college (i didnt go but if I had, the loan would have been on me). If I was sad, i didnt have anyone worrying about it. I cried alone. Nobody noticed.

    Then we grew up and decided our kids would never shed a tear that we didnt wipe. We woud give them everything with no effort from them. Just because we didnt want them to go without every advantage. Guess what? Now there is an epidemic of adult kids who cut out their parents. It isnt rare. They expect us to still hand them money and wipe their noses. And if we dont, we are expendable.

    You didnt do anything but love her. She is the one in my opinion in the wrong. That doesnt make it hurt less, but please dont blame yourself. These days therapists are telling kids to go "no contact" with "toxic parents." They dont know us, but we are toxic. I think this mindset is a fad, but it is here now. I wish it a quick death.

    Try to have a peaceful day.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 21, 2017
  13. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I identify with what you are saying, SOT. I've noticed even with my 'easy child', I am so much more involved in her day to day minor crying and malaise than my mother ever was. My mom (who I was close to) died when I was 25 (and my Difficult Child was 7 months old). I cannot imagine my kids being able to deal with that in a few years. I actually remember pushing my mom away from some situations that I thought were personal (my college decision, marriage partner, birth of my Difficult Child). I feel like my kids try to pull me in to their drama. I'm not going to take blame for this, I did the best I could. I was a working mother and once when my son was little, a coworker told me that I didn't need to buy my son more plastic just because I work. That stuck with me and I always tried to 'compensate' for my time away in loving interactions and 'quality' time. I didn't want to spoil them with material things. But now I wonder if the 'loving interactions and quality time' was wrong too. My mom stayed home with me, but she had a life and a boundary that I recognized. I don't think this is just a 'working mom' thing as I see stay at home moms taking on the same burdens and guilt as I did. I think it's worse with this new generation of parents, they take these children to bed with them and cater to their every whim with their iphones in the hand of every toddler in walmart. I'm about to get blasted but I'll be quiet now. But you know what? Most of those kids will grow up ok, despite whatever stupid crap their parents do. And some will not. That's what is so frustrating about all of this.
     
  14. Joanieb

    Joanieb New Member

    I am in 100% agreement about this generational mindset. Everyone's so precious. I wonder if the baby boomers created it but I don't think I contributed to it. My son was visiting for a couple of weeks and he was really angry at my daughters behaviour and told her that if she's didn't stop this 'sh#%' with me he didn't want to see her anymore. He said that he didn't want to buy into the mental health angle and blame her behaviour on an illness. He said she has to take responsibility for her behaviour and change it. I think I should listen more to what he's saying. if I wrote down the amount of time, running around, missing work, money and heartache she said put me though over the past 15 years I'd be here writing for hours. I even turned down a job as a Manager and set my career aside to cater to her needs. My own fault. I'm moving the feeling of guilt with the help of the psychologist and my friends. Even my ex husband I said telling me to just let her go and hopefully she'll crash and burn so then we can move in to build and repair. I just worry about my grandsons and the damage she is causing to them along the way. Thank so for your shares xxx
     
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  15. Joanieb

    Joanieb New Member

    Boy am I ever missing my grandsons...I am having surgery today and the daughter wouldn't even let me see the boys for breakfast Sunday before I have the operation .
     
  16. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    If i knew about all this when i was young, i wouldnt of had a kid. Wouldve stuck with pugs
     
  17. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am also missing my grandson but it is a vindictive ex wife who won't let me see him. I feel bad for all us grandma's who are held hostage by our love for our grandbabies.
     
  18. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I took my sons baby mama to court and won grandparent visitation. We have that in arizona