Marguerite
Active Member
I just had a l-o-o-o-n-g talk to easy child 2/difficult child 2. She arrived home from work and within minutes, she and difficult child 3 were screaming at each other, with her rushing out of the room to her 'space', slamming doors on the way. I had been working on difficult child 3 getting his chores done (including doing more homework) and she totally undermined it, simply because the bath hadn't been run (by difficult child 3) because he was running late.
While talking to her (and totally avoiding the subject of who, what, where etc with the fight) we covered a lot of topics. I've been trying to get her back to her therapist for months and she always has some excuse; "I'm too busy." "I'm too stressed." "I just haven't got the time."
I finally explained to her that her current coping methods (screaming at people; being offensively defensive; trying to get her point of view across like a ram-raider) is just not working.
Of course while talking to her she was dissolving in floods of tears again. I had to constantly make it clear that I was not chastising her, only pointing out that a rage such as she demonstrated shouldn't happen more often than once every few years, certainly not several times a day/week. At first she was blustering, "It's because difficult child 3 is such a little ****!!!" but I kept her away from that - she reacts like this with us, too, and we're fed up with living in a war zone. I told her I was feeling shell-shocked and just wanted to walk out of the house sometimes, to get away from it. And as I have not been the target of it, I shouldn't be feeling the fallout this badly. I also had to emphasise that after all that adrenalin was expended, not only had she achieved exactly zero, she had actually set herself up for an even more difficult communication next time. He IS being oppositional with her, but she has brought it on herself by screaming at him like a hysterical banshee. As husband says (quietly), "She'll make someone a wonderful fishwife one of these days."
So, the outcome is - we have agreed to differ on how badly she needs the therapist at the moment. She says she's too stressed to see the therapist, I say that the therapist will help her cope with stress more efficiently. So in the absence of her willingness/ability to make the adjustment, I had to play therapist and try to help her find other ways to de-stress.
What she does now - she works four/five days a week from 8 am to 5.30 pm with half an hour for lunch. On two days, she finishes at 3.30 pm, but on both those days she has to go to evening classes from 5.30 pm. She de-stresses by window-shopping (and sometimes buying what's in the window). I said that's not healthy, because it can spill over into retail therapy as the only coping strategy, and that not only breaks the budget, it can lead to hoarding behaviour.
She can only window-shop when she has several hours to spare and nothing she has to do afterwards (other than come home). So she can't window-shop for more than an hour on college nights.
Nor can she see the therapist on college nights - she doesn't want to turn up to college after she's been crying, she needs space to go somewhere quiet and calm herself. She ALWAYS gets teary when she has to talk about what is worrying her.
So we tried brainstorming about other ways in which she can de-stress [we're building up a heap of soggy tissues by this stage].
Exercise is out, it makes her feel sick. "And while we're on that subject, if I wasn't so sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, I wouldn't be so STRESSED!!!!" [another half-dozen tissues are added to the heap of papier-maché].
She likes doing puzzles. But there's nowhere to lay out a jigsaw puzzle to do one. There isn't even space, if she uses a puzzle mat. And a big part of THAT, is the house really is a mess from having a family who won't throw things out, and a mother who is too tired/unwell to go crawling round the floors collecting all the rubbish/dropped papers/fallen clothing/hoarded toys. It's nowhere near as bad as some, but I'm not happy with it and it can't be fixed until at least difficult child 1 leaves home, taking his collections with him. Then I'll have somewhere to start.
I suggested puzzle books, but she can only do book puzzles for so long. There is something about jigsaw puzzles that appeal, but they need to be complex but still pretty. Smaller but trickier wouldn't work, she said - she wants SOME clues from the pieces themselves, not just the shape.
I suggested puzzle books for those odd moments when waiting in the car, or at other times. Maybe.
She's very obsessive. We live too far from the mall for her to use up her days not at work to go shopping. On days when she's not at work, she stays home and does stuff on her favourite website (fantasy forum) but is currently fed up with it as there are too many newbies who she has to stop and explain things to.
Are you getting the picture?
So, to re-cap - her current stress-busting strategies include window-shopping and doing jigsaw puzzles. Exercise is out, she feels sick. Book puzzles will only help a little, for a short while.
I've suggested massage - her and BF2. She said, "We already do that."
I suggested using massage oil, or talcum powder. She doesn't like the feel of most oils on her skin, but I might be able to persuade her with some almond oil (not too heavy? Any alternative suggestions welcome). I told her that oil feels different that just skin on skin.
So, any other suggestions? She won't go to the beach in the daytime - too much sun, she's a redhead. She won't go at night because there are too many mosquitoes. She DOES grow roses but there's not a lot you can do with six pots of rose bushes.
I'd like to find something she could do that is portable, that she can do on her own, that she can use to help her calm at moments when she is stressed. Failing that, I'm looking for easy access to effective inexpensive de-stress options so she can more effectively use what time she does have.
Medication - the gastroenterologist has put her on tryptanol, which is not sedating her (good) but we don't know yet if it's helping. After she's been on it for two weeks, if she can tolerate it (looks like it) she is to double the dose. So she IS taking an antidepressant.
I'm relieved and amazed that I got through to her this evening, as well as I did, but the house is still going to be a war zone. She keeps trying to 'parent' difficult child 3, because she sees our "Explosive Child" methods as too soft and WILL interfere. And she won't listen, can't help herself.
I really worry about what sort of teacher she will make...
All ideas welcome.
H E L P!!!
Marg
While talking to her (and totally avoiding the subject of who, what, where etc with the fight) we covered a lot of topics. I've been trying to get her back to her therapist for months and she always has some excuse; "I'm too busy." "I'm too stressed." "I just haven't got the time."
I finally explained to her that her current coping methods (screaming at people; being offensively defensive; trying to get her point of view across like a ram-raider) is just not working.
Of course while talking to her she was dissolving in floods of tears again. I had to constantly make it clear that I was not chastising her, only pointing out that a rage such as she demonstrated shouldn't happen more often than once every few years, certainly not several times a day/week. At first she was blustering, "It's because difficult child 3 is such a little ****!!!" but I kept her away from that - she reacts like this with us, too, and we're fed up with living in a war zone. I told her I was feeling shell-shocked and just wanted to walk out of the house sometimes, to get away from it. And as I have not been the target of it, I shouldn't be feeling the fallout this badly. I also had to emphasise that after all that adrenalin was expended, not only had she achieved exactly zero, she had actually set herself up for an even more difficult communication next time. He IS being oppositional with her, but she has brought it on herself by screaming at him like a hysterical banshee. As husband says (quietly), "She'll make someone a wonderful fishwife one of these days."
So, the outcome is - we have agreed to differ on how badly she needs the therapist at the moment. She says she's too stressed to see the therapist, I say that the therapist will help her cope with stress more efficiently. So in the absence of her willingness/ability to make the adjustment, I had to play therapist and try to help her find other ways to de-stress.
What she does now - she works four/five days a week from 8 am to 5.30 pm with half an hour for lunch. On two days, she finishes at 3.30 pm, but on both those days she has to go to evening classes from 5.30 pm. She de-stresses by window-shopping (and sometimes buying what's in the window). I said that's not healthy, because it can spill over into retail therapy as the only coping strategy, and that not only breaks the budget, it can lead to hoarding behaviour.
She can only window-shop when she has several hours to spare and nothing she has to do afterwards (other than come home). So she can't window-shop for more than an hour on college nights.
Nor can she see the therapist on college nights - she doesn't want to turn up to college after she's been crying, she needs space to go somewhere quiet and calm herself. She ALWAYS gets teary when she has to talk about what is worrying her.
So we tried brainstorming about other ways in which she can de-stress [we're building up a heap of soggy tissues by this stage].
Exercise is out, it makes her feel sick. "And while we're on that subject, if I wasn't so sick and tired of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, I wouldn't be so STRESSED!!!!" [another half-dozen tissues are added to the heap of papier-maché].
She likes doing puzzles. But there's nowhere to lay out a jigsaw puzzle to do one. There isn't even space, if she uses a puzzle mat. And a big part of THAT, is the house really is a mess from having a family who won't throw things out, and a mother who is too tired/unwell to go crawling round the floors collecting all the rubbish/dropped papers/fallen clothing/hoarded toys. It's nowhere near as bad as some, but I'm not happy with it and it can't be fixed until at least difficult child 1 leaves home, taking his collections with him. Then I'll have somewhere to start.
I suggested puzzle books, but she can only do book puzzles for so long. There is something about jigsaw puzzles that appeal, but they need to be complex but still pretty. Smaller but trickier wouldn't work, she said - she wants SOME clues from the pieces themselves, not just the shape.
I suggested puzzle books for those odd moments when waiting in the car, or at other times. Maybe.
She's very obsessive. We live too far from the mall for her to use up her days not at work to go shopping. On days when she's not at work, she stays home and does stuff on her favourite website (fantasy forum) but is currently fed up with it as there are too many newbies who she has to stop and explain things to.
Are you getting the picture?
So, to re-cap - her current stress-busting strategies include window-shopping and doing jigsaw puzzles. Exercise is out, she feels sick. Book puzzles will only help a little, for a short while.
I've suggested massage - her and BF2. She said, "We already do that."
I suggested using massage oil, or talcum powder. She doesn't like the feel of most oils on her skin, but I might be able to persuade her with some almond oil (not too heavy? Any alternative suggestions welcome). I told her that oil feels different that just skin on skin.
So, any other suggestions? She won't go to the beach in the daytime - too much sun, she's a redhead. She won't go at night because there are too many mosquitoes. She DOES grow roses but there's not a lot you can do with six pots of rose bushes.
I'd like to find something she could do that is portable, that she can do on her own, that she can use to help her calm at moments when she is stressed. Failing that, I'm looking for easy access to effective inexpensive de-stress options so she can more effectively use what time she does have.
Medication - the gastroenterologist has put her on tryptanol, which is not sedating her (good) but we don't know yet if it's helping. After she's been on it for two weeks, if she can tolerate it (looks like it) she is to double the dose. So she IS taking an antidepressant.
I'm relieved and amazed that I got through to her this evening, as well as I did, but the house is still going to be a war zone. She keeps trying to 'parent' difficult child 3, because she sees our "Explosive Child" methods as too soft and WILL interfere. And she won't listen, can't help herself.
I really worry about what sort of teacher she will make...
All ideas welcome.
H E L P!!!
Marg