Stressed...feel like Im stuck between a rock and a hard place!!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Cass1, Nov 9, 2009.

  1. Cass1

    Cass1 New Member

    Im having a really hard time dealing with the fact we might possibly have to raise another child :(..We have had our grandson who will be 3 in Feb living with us since June 08 dues to him being in CAS care since birth..When he came to live with us I thought the parents being my difficult child and his girlfriend ( now ex) would make a big effort to getting him back.I was really wrong about that and Ive been struggling with this pretty much since I was last on here.
    They dont do what they are asked of by CAS they dont keep appts and sometimes they go for days without calling for a visit which my husband or I have to supervise.
    Our order is up from CAS and will be back in court soon CAS wants us to take custody or else they will take him back and put him up for adoption.The parents have known this but yet make little effort the mothers other child that she had before my difficult child has already been adopted out.
    Right now they are doing pshycological assesments on them to see if they can have unsupervised visits,which I dont have any concerns about and would help me out alot as I already pay for two days of daycare a week with no help at all from CAS.
    So today they both had appointments for the assesment my difficult child called me to tell me that his ex girlfriend cancelled said she was sick then said she got called into work.If they dont follow through with these appointment I could be having no help at all with my grandson and they just seem to think of themselves.Im so tired... tired of the all the appts, tired of dealing with CAS & the parents ,tired of always having to change my plans Im just tired of the whole situation!! Ive raised my kids and I started at a really young age and grew up quickly,it was now my time to finally do the things Ive always wanted to do but now that Im raising another child thats not going to happen.Dont get me wrong I love my grandson to death but I didnt want anymore kids I struggled over the years with my 2 difficult child's and still do my younger 2 are usually no trouble so I dont want to have to do that all over again.So thats where Im stuck because Im not letting him be put up for adoption!!
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Cass! I'm sorry you're going through this. Does CAS have any type of respit programs that will allow you a little time to yourself? You need to get away for a little while and take a break!

    Oops! The baby is yelling - time for "mmmm's" - I'll check back later tonight!

    Feel better hon, major cyber hugs headed your way!

  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I understand completely and you have my sympathy. My husband and I are still working although all of our contemporaries are long ago retired and traveling. It has been exactly 50 years ago that I had my first baby and I
    see no end in sight.

    My comments are not intended to sound like "poor me" whines. Everyone "admires" us for dedicating our life to the grandchildren. In retrospect I doubt I would make the same decision...particularly if I knew that difficult child's don't take parenting as a serious priority. difficult child's like the admiration that reflects back on them when they take their child or children out in public..all clean and appropriate dressed by the custodial grandparents. :(

    Children need and require consistent dependable loving structure. CAS and similar organizations most often have young healthy eager prospective parents who wouldn't dream of skipping an appointment or disappointing a child. If your CAS office will assure your "presence" in your grandchild's life...I think you should really consider adoption. With open adoptions now commonplace, I would assume you could make sure that you could remain
    in his life as a supplemental loving parent.

    I wish you the very best. It's a painful situation. I'm sorry. DDD
  4. Cass1

    Cass1 New Member

    First thing is we arent considered to be part of CAS so they wont help us with anything like respit or daycare or anything for that matter,even though we have a supervision court order and we have to abide by CAS rules and expectations.I dont get it and I cant afford to spend thousands of dollars on a lawyer.
    As for putting him up for adoption I will never allow that to happen,we had difficult child's girlfriend little girl in our life from the time she was a baby when she ended up in care we still visited her and treated her like family more then her biological family(moms family) when her mom wasnt making an effort and missed court dates CAS told me that because she was close to us that even though she was being adopted that we would still be able to have visits through out the year.We had her for Christmas day last yr then after that we were told that they needed a little time for her to get used to her new family then after me always asking when we could see her 5 mths had gone by and they told us that we could no longer see her that we could have one more good bye visit and that was it sames goes for the mom.I never took the good bye visit because everytime we would visit she would always cry how much she missed everyone and Christmas was a happy day for her and all of us so I wanted her to have a happy last memory of us not one where shes crying and not wanting to go,and I couldnt say good bye I loved that little girl.She had her 5th birthday last week first birthday we never got to spend with her :( so now I have no faith in the CAS we have been lied to on many occassions which doesnt make things any easier.
    Once again it leaves me stuck!!
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I'm so sorry....wish I had something to say that would help. Just know I'm thinking about you.
  6. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Oh Cass, what a mess. And what a bad spot for you to be put in. I completely understand how you've raised your kids and want your time in life to live what you put aside to raise the kids. I also understand you love your grandson and don't want him put up for adoption.

    I have to say, I'm feeling some anger at your difficult child for putting you and your husband in this position, as well as your grandchild in this position. He is choosing this, he can change this. I want to put my foot up his hind end.

    The only upside if you gain custody, is you would be out from the thumb of CAS and the rules they impose on you. This would allow you to decide to make conditions for helping difficult child with what he needs as a son, by requiring him to meet some expectations, such as visitation (at HIS home) for you to have respite, etc.

    I can't imagine how it feels for you to be stuck in this position. (((Hugs))) and if you need an ear, you have my number.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hey Cass! Sorry to hear about the situation that you're in.

    I did a quick search for free parent/grandparent advocates in Canada and came up with the following link:

    There were different support groups for Canadian Grandparents with custody and a load of other situations. What I was thinking was that if you buzz around a few of these websites, you may find a group that covers your type of situation. They may be able to give advise, lend support AND know of advocates or lawyers that are free of charge. They'd certainly know about different support services and groups out there to help you out with respite, clothing, etc. that may help you out financially. In the states, quite often fostering kids rather than adopting allows you to get a stipend from the state to help deflect some of the expenses.

    We're here for you - even if just for a hug or a vent!

  8. Cass1

    Cass1 New Member

    Thank you all for your kind words and help.Mattsmom I to get very upset with my difficult child to but I get more upset with the mother as she had more of a chance then my difficult child to get her kids back.With difficult child being bipolar CAS is not willing to give him a chance he does help me out more then she does but not as much as he should expecially since they broke up a couple months ago.The mom was told in the begginning when her daughter was first taken that if she left difficult child and did what they asked of her then she had a chance of getting her back.But no she chose to stay then had another child(my grandson) whome CAS took right from the hospital..then she didnt keep appts and her daughter was put up for adoption :( I just want to shake her I just dont get it cause from the time I had my difficult child at 17 my kids always came first before anything and anyone..So difficult child has been keeping his assesment appts with CAS cause he wants unsupervised visits thats all he might get,he's just not doing other things aske I of him so I would have to say he does make more of a effort then the mom but they both upset me..So today the mom is supposed to come for a visit and shes going to hear it from me thats if she shows..
  9. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Cass, I totally get your aggravation with the little guys mom. I dont' understand how she wouldn't do what it takes, not only with one, but with two children! GRR

    You know, if you do take custody, difficult child would be able to have unsupervised access if you felt comfortable with it. And over time, with CAS out of your life, whatever informal agreement comes about with you and difficult child regarding how much he is involved with his own son? That becomes none of CAS's business unless he does something that has CAS become involved again.

    If you take custody, does the mother still have rights to visit and mess with this poor boys head? I mean, if they are close to adoption for him if you don't take him, can she be taken out of the equation for his own well being???
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry if I misunderstood your postion. I thought you were saying that the bioparents are not dependable enough to be parents or dependable enough to assist you parent. I understood you to be saying that as much as you love your grandson that you could not face another twenty year delay in finding some personal freedom. My response was intended to say "I understand".

    One other issue that was not brought up in this thread is future reproduction. Many of us grandparents who take over parenting for difficult children unwilling or incapable of parenting appropriately end up as pawns for all the future. Every holiday or big event the bioparents are apt to "choose" to be with "their kids". Every month there is a chance that another sibling will be conceived and then opens a huge new problem..."my children need to know each other" "Johnny you be kind to your baby sister and help us
    raise her". It goes on ad nauseum. If you are very lucky the baby sister and little brother will share common genes with the child you are raising. If not...then you have to panic each time there is a visitation and "your child" is freely given to a siblings bioparent whom you don't know well. Yuk

    Truly, truly, I wish you good luck but I strongly encourage you not to hope for the best with the bioparents. It almost never happens. DDD
  11. Cass1

    Cass1 New Member

    Both the parents are very capable of looking after there son the mom more so then difficult child(if he stayed on his medications),CAS got involved a few yrs ago not sure if anyone remembers the story so Ill refresh your memories its been awhile.My difficult children girlfriends daughter fell down alot of stairs at her bio grandmas house she hit her head on concrete the grandma never took her to get checked the next day she took her back to difficult child and mom.She appeard ok but a bit sleepy and because the grandma told mom she kept and eye on her checked her out and she was fine mom went by what grandma said.2 days after the fall her eyes started to swell we rushed her to the hospital to find she had head trauma :( So after CAS did a **** poor investigation the blamed difficult child because he's moody and when questioned if anything happened while in his care he told them about a incedent that happened a week before where she bounced her on the bed playing and she bumped the back of her head (all her injurys were on the left side of her head).As soon as difficult child told them about that the police arrested him and our lifes been a nightmare ever since :( Also CAS looked back to info they had on difficult child with all my troubles I had with him so he was a good target to blame.They made there own story out of what happened and difficult child was trying to be honest,they said he didnt bounce her the day he said that he probably threw her out of anger not bounced her playing.Meanwhile the grandma and everyone at her house told what happened with the stairs and described where she hit and where she had a bump on her head and everything.Yet CAS wanted to believe difficult child did it and even though difficult child is moody and is bipolar he would never hurt anyone hes awesome with his younger brother and sister and his son when he takes the time.Problem is being difficult child he had the attitude I didnt do anything wrong so CAS can screw them selves Im not doing anything they tell me to so that would be why the kids were never returned to them.CAS wanted him to take a anger management group and them both to take parenting groups and I understand when your not guilty its unfair to go through what difficult child and his girlfriend went through but if you want your kids back you need to do what they ask wether you like it or not.
    As for them reproducing anymore children the parents are no longer together and after this experiance I have learned to say no and Ive already had a girl try to tell me she thought she was pregnant with difficult children kid and I told her forget I even exist because if you are ,our family will never be involved.I may sound like a :censored2: but Im not doing it again so I wont be getting close to any babys difficult child ends up having.Thanks for the support though.