Stressed to the max

[stressed78]

My son is 18. Today I found out hes been taking my debit card while im asleep to buy cigerattes. Smh three different occasions. He used to be an honor student good kid. His senior year he started smoking weed and just went down hill. 3.9 to a 1.9. Amazingly he did graduate and got a job. Ive alwsys told him school or work. Well when he graduated his dad came out here and moved himself in my house. Remind you he owes me over 35000 in child support for my son and my son sees nothing wrong with that. Well I dealt with that for two months. Gave the dad two week notice hes gotta go. Talked to my son and he said hes fine with it. Well they left and I didnt hear from my son for six weeks. Neither one had a job money etc somehow they were getting by. My son was still coming in my house while I was gone because his brother wad letting him in. Well I got tired if being stressed and worrying so I chased down the dad talked to him and got my son back. Both of [email protected] now my son drinks smokes weed and cigs. Hes been home for close to a month. The dad still does absolutely nothing but sit on the couch and smoke and drink with my son. My son just got a job thankfully a couple satanic ago and now I find out this! I dnt wanna put him out bcuz im g.na be worrying again and I know once I get rid of his spermdonor I can fix him. But id want the stress of having to lock everything and hide everything either bcuz I cant trust him. I was a teenage parent with him. When I was his age he was one. I never had no help from anybody and raised both my kids alone. Ive always worked full time and got my bachelors while working and taking care of them. I feel so betrayed and hurt and lost. Any advice would be apreciated

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. Sorry you had to come here. You will probably get a better, bigger response on Parent Emeritus (the forum) because this forum is for minor children and your son is of legal age.Once your child is eighteen it is both a blessing and a curse. You have more options but you also can no longer help your adult child unless he is willing to get help and you have no rights to be able to force him into care. You have other leverage, which we can explain later.

I have a question. Why did you let the father move in with you? I mean, I'd have kicked his butt to last week.

Why do you allow your son AND his sperm donor to disrespect you in your own house?

YOU matter. Nobody has a right to just move into your house without your permission and your son can not just do illegal stuff under your roof.

Is there more to the story?

One thing that we all had to learn is that we CAN NOT FIX OUR ADULT CHILDREN. We can not fix anybody. We can change OUR reactions to them, but we can't change anyone except ourselves. The "I can fix it" mindset simply disappoints us because it is not possible to change anybody who is not willing and eager to go along with you. This goes for everyone living on earth!!!

Welcome to our world...haha. We are glad you joined us, although, again, sorry you had to.

 

[stressed78]

I never allowed his dad to move in. I thought he was visiting after about three weeks he finally admitted he got a one way ticket. For the next month I tried to make it work but saw my sons behavior get worse. So I put him out. The only way to get my son back was to take him in too. But now i have leverage over his dad. So he will be gone within the next couple months to another state. As far as allowing the disrespect I dont know why I am allowing it. My son does nothing in front of me or talk to me crazy. But behind my back he is somebody else. Im not really sure what to do about this debit card situation. But first im going to confront him and his reaction will play a big role into what I decide. Ughh I do not like teenagers esp 18 yr olds right now! They are ungrateful monsters

 

[BusynMember]

No, lots of teenagers are really good kids. I feel the need to bring that up because I think we need to face that OUR kids are kind of not nice, but most teens of eighteen are in college, working full time, being reasonable at home, respecting their parents when they talk to them, not breaking the law and launching into life to become good citizens. I have difficult children and great kids and my great kids were great teens who never gave me a problem. I had one who did drugs in high school (what fun THAT was, but we NEVER allowed it in the house. Period). She turned her life around. I have one son who is still not totally on track and he is 37...ugh. But he does support himself and his son.

So having established that not all teens, especially older teens, are ungrateful monsters, you need to decide what to do about your own child. There are many options, depending on how much you want to set boundaries and have control in your own home. If he is stealing from you or using your debit card, it is within your power to stop it in many ways, which I think you probably know. If he is disrespecting you in vile ways, you can decide that he has to be as nice to you as you are to him and set consequences of your choosing if he continues to make you feel badly.

My kids were not even allowed to smoke ciggies in my house. I only had one kid who smoked and every time I saw cigarettes in her purse, I threw them out. She eventually quit all drugs, cigarettes too. Not saying that would work for your son...all kids are different...but tough love worked very well for her and she is thriving now ten years later. Again, just because SHE did doesn't mean another difficult child would.

I believe we are all valuable and that includes Mom. Mom to me is as important in this world as grown kid. Grown kid isn't a baby anymore and he or she, in my opinion, does not need a mommy, especially one that is abused. I believe it is a good idea to learn how to make yourself happy and trying to fix someone won't. I have a few suggestions. I'd pick up the book "Codependent No More" By Melodie Beatty...great book. Started me on my way to peace and harmony and a good life. I would consider going to a Twelve Step Program, maybe Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, since your son takes drugs. You can laern a lot (or at least I did) from others who have been in the trenches and you don't have to speak unless you want to. You may be able to get help from the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill as the parent of a grown kid who is obviously off the rails. Notice all these suggestions are to help YOU because you ahve 100% power to fix YOU, but you have 0% power to fix anyone else, even your son. Changing your reaction to your son may change how he treats you because he will have to respond differently to you, but, really, the only person you can change is yourself. And you deserve a happy, great life.

Hugs and good luck. Take baby steps. You are new to this.

 

[Lil]

Welcome and like MWM said, I'm sorry you are here.

#1, you said dad will be gone in a couple months. Nothing could be better unless it's today! He owes you $35,000? Open a case with your state's child support enforcement office and stay on them to collect! They can garnish wages, bank accounts, really any liquid assets. They can put it on his credit. They can take licenses. They can take taxes. They can put his lazy deadbeat butt in jail! I work in this field and I don't use the word deadbeat lightly. This is a deadbeat.

#2, I just put my own 19 year old son out of my house for stealing from me. Like yours, he loves his pot. YOU can end up in trouble with this in your home. My son is currently in a homeless shelter about a mile from my home. This was a hard, hard, thing to do. But stealing from you...I don't care if it's just $5 for smokes...it was more than we can allow. In our experience, it just became more and more.

MWM is right. You can't "fix" him. You CAN set rules for your house and if he follows them he can stay. If he doesn't...well...that is his choice. It's a hard, hard, hard thing to do, to put your little boy out. You went after him when he left. I really do understand that. When my son first stole from me, he left of his own volition. I wanted him back and I really thought we had done what we needed to "fix" him. We put up with a lot of lying and stealing before we gave up and put him out. I still have hope he'll straighten up. I hope that is true for you as well!

 

[stressed78]

Thank you so much! Im aware we can get in trouble for him having weed its right on my lease and me him and his brother can be put out. He knows this and so far has been doing good on that part thatvif KNOW of. As far as the deadbeat the case is open and he has a felony warrant that is active. That is my leverage. As far as them taking anything hes never had anything. Works for like two weeks once a year never had a car house filed taxes nothing. He lives off other people so the only option is jail which I doubt michigan police are going to come all the way to california for that. My son I don't know what his problem is other then being young and dumb. I really dont want to put him out but I dont like living like this either. So im gonna see what he has to say for himself. Ive been early waiting for him to get home from work since I first found out he was stealing from me.

 

[stressed78]

Yes you are right I need to fix me. As a mother I want to fix my son I still love him and care for him no matter what mistakes he makes. It really bothers me because we left michigan because I didnt want my kids to be thugs so we moved here with nothing. All of my family and friends are back in michigan. I do have my grandma here but that is it. Im starting to think this was the worse choice I ever could have made was coming here. But who's to say it wouldn't happen there either. I know his potential and it kills me to see him destroy himself. I just have to find a way to be strong and firm.

 

[BusynMember]

"Actions speak louder than words." I love this.

"Talk is cheap." I love that too.

If your son is stealing from you, seriously, do you think it is a good thing for you to let him get away without consequences? You are his mom, but if he steals elsewhere, he will get into serious trouble.

I did not turn my son in when he stole from us (or, father, he used our credit cards and really ran them up). He went on to become a thief and a con artist. I wish we had involved the cops looking back. We did him no favors, in my opinion, by letting him off the hook. I mean, WE disciplined him, but he didn't really care and obviously it didn't teach him anything. Meanwhile lock up your credit cards, checks, and any money. Not a great way to live, but you have to be safe.

Don't feel bad about moving. There are thugs everywhere. They don't make our kids do bad stuff. The kids seek out these thugs because they want to do bad stuff. My daughter sure did when she was into drugs. I can't blame anyone but her. She quit the thugs when she decided to dump druggie life.

Don't blame yourself. This is not your fault. Sounds like he may be looking at his dad, not a good thing, but you can't control it, even if Dad is gone. I am convinced that nature trumps nurture...but ANYONE can decide to change, even people with horrible genes, like me

 

[stressed78]

I do not plan on letting him get away with this. Im going to set rules and make him sign an agreement. He violates any rules and he will be gone. Its a shame that my own son has betrayed me. I never saw any of this coming.

 

[BusynMember]

Trust me. You are not alone in this. It's heartwrenching.

 

[stressed78]

Thank you all so much. I appreciate all the advice.

 

[Lil]

As far as the deadbeat the case is open and he has a felony warrant that is active.

You are probably right that Michigan would not extradite for child support...but tread carefully. You don't want to get in trouble for harboring a fugitive on a warrant for YOUR money!

We didn't put our son out lightly. He stole from us once and we forgave him. Then we found out several months later he'd done it again. Then we found out he'd done it over and over in the months that had passed. He went away to school. Failed. Came home and was warned. And then he did it again - quite a lot of money this time. So I truly understand and don't even think it would be a good idea so soon. He's had strike one. I would, however, make him pay you back every penny! You said he's got a job? He can repay you and I really wish we'd made our son do it the first time something went missing.

The betrayal is the hardest part. Way worse than anything else they do. (HUGS) I really hope this gets better quickly in your case.

 

[stressed78]

This is his last and final strike. My laptop is destroyed thanks to him he disappeared for 7 weeks and now this. He is going to pay rent and pay me back for every thing that I will make sure happens.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Stressed, so sorry you are having to go through this kind of chaos and pain. I know all to well what you are going through. My son stole from me from the time he was 14. The first couple of times we grounded him but when he stole 3000.00 I called the police which was a very difficult call to make. Of course my difficult child denied it but did finally fess up.
You do not have to put up with any of this. First thing I would do is kick his dad out, you owe him nothing. Your son may argue with you saying something like "if he goes, I go" Be prepared as your son may try and use that has a manipulative tactic.
If your difficult child steals from you again you really should consider calling the police. This in and of itself will not suddenly make your son not steal anymore but it will send a clear message that you will not tolerate that kind of behavior.
I wish you all the best and know that you are not alone.

 

[stressed78]

That you and yes my son will follow him he already did the last time I put his dad out. They were sleeping in the streets about a block away from me. He wouldn't talk to me for 7 weeks

 

[stressed78]

So he has finally came home from work. He admitted to it and acted like he did nothing wrong because he intended on paying me back! Smh I am so disgusted with him right now.

 

[Tanya M]

Your son not talking to you is also a tactic to manipulate you. Remember, you did not do this to him, his choices and actions led to what happened. My son is 33 and homeless. It breaks my heart but it is his choice to live outside the rules of society. I rode the roller coaster with my son for many years and I finally had to make the choice to get off. Our difficult child's make their choices and there is nothing we can do about it. What we do have control over is our own reactions to what they do. I know, it's easier said than done. YOU are important and you have your own life to live. There is are years of experience on the pages of this site, I hope you will be able to find some direction here in dealing with your adult difficult child.

 

[BusynMember]

If he chooses to live with his homeless dad, I'm not sure there is much you can do. The dad is using your son to get a free place to stay, which is despicable. But your son is old enough to realize this and would rather live on the streets with his father than in your house. He has the option of staying with you and not stealing. He is making a choice not to do it.

I feel really badly for you. This is not an easy call for you to make, whatever you do.

 

[stressed78]

Thank you everyone. It just sucks all the way around. I lnow once his spermdonor is gone that will help. He will no longer have the encouragement of him. I have a terrible feeling he is gonna fall hard before he learns anything. For now he can stay here pay rent and no smoking in the house. Ive changed the pin on my card so that is no longer an option. And im still going to keep everything locked up but this is final straw. I cannot keep going through this stress with him. Insanity is repeating the same thing expecting different outcomes. So only time will tell. I dont want homeless but im not gonna tolerate him being disrespectful either. The change starts now and hopefully it will be for the better.