Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Malika, Sep 26, 2011.

  1. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    (I see that thread by the angry lady has disappeared - that was very odd!)

    J and I have been stressing tonight... he wanted to play with the children who are visiting the village and I agreed as they are leaving (for good) tomorrow. Reading between the lines, it looks like their mother has just left their father and they are all moving far away to a new house and new school (perhaps the husband is dangerous??) - I wish them well, they are sweet kids. Anyway, one of them had bought new roller skates so of course J wanted to get his skates and put them on, even though he doesn't know how yet. Then he wanted to skate in a flat part of the village and of course wouldn't take the things off so we all ended up walking there, holding on to him for dear life so that he would not fall (he did anyway) and me feeling very stressed and cross because I have so little control of my 4 year old that I cannot get him to take off roller skates to walk... makes me feel ridiculous, angry at myself... but you know how it is :) We ended up being very late - routine all out of whack again - and when we got back in J was exhausted and tantrum-y, cried and yelled because he wanted to play inside the house even though it was so late. Refused to take his clothes off for the bath, I ended up pulling them off him (trying hard not to do it abusively all the same...) and dumping him in the bath, washing him quickly, him angry and protesting. Then he ate supper and calmed down when I said he didn't have to brush his teeth tonight when he was demanding that he not have to.... Then went to bed relatively calmly and I tried to talk to him about talking instead of having tantrums... I also explained to him that when he cries long and loudly like that it makes me feel "funny in my tummy" and angry... He seemed surprised by this.
    I have realised what it is about J that is "different" in regard to other kids. He really doesn't care much what adults think or want - has not internalised this in the way other children do. So when we are alone together he will usually listen to what I say, more or less, but when other kids are there, he just wants to do what he wants or what they want...
    Not such a good evening. But I do actually see how J has made a lot of progress since this time last year... I, on the other hand... :)
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2011
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Malika... Don't worry about him not wanting to take them off to get there. That sounds so much like me! Stubbornness can be trained into perseverance... :bigsmile:

    But, yes, you've figured out his triggers. And tired kids act up - I can always tell when my great-nephews have had enough, because quiet and shy M gets mean, and mean L gets truly nasty. The only people they don't do that for is me and husband, which is odd, but nice.

    And I've yet to meet a 4-y/o that truly gets it. Honestly, he seems to care what YOU want - you're Mummy. Other adults - no incentive, really... What're they going to do? Complain to you? Woo hoo. (sarcasm)... But when around kids... Well. You've heard about the juvenile delinquent who is a good kid by himself and horrid with others, right? It's the same sort of thing, just not in vandalizing/burglary/etc.

    :hugs: Just don't be cross with yourself, OK?
  3. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Step. How are you old enough to have great-nephews?
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    I'm 38... 39 in a couple months. I'm not old...But...

    sister in law is about 43, her oldest, E, is just short of 24. E's oldest is 6 1/2...
  5. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    All is clear! It's just... in my (fevered) imagination, a Great Aunt is called Dorothy, is aged about 97 and remembers what fun they all had in the Great War.
  6. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh my how I could have written that so many times. It's not you! Sending gentle hugs your way.

    by the way, I must be old; I have 25 great nieces and great nephews!:)
  7. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Wiped Out :) I guess this is what it means to have an oppositional child - I mean, I could have got J to take off the skates last night but it would have involved a fight, maybe literally a physical struggle, screams and crying, probably violent words... very ugly. And not worth it. So I choose the path of least resistance, knowing it will be better for us all. But still feeling rather resentful...
    J can't skate at all, by the way - doesn't seem to get the hang of it. Practice is all, I guess (as with most things).
  8. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    pretty much sounds FOUR to me....and honestly, routine is crucial for ALL kids, not just difficult child's, at that age.

    try to relax and maybe not put him under a microscope so seems to me from what you say a lot is pretty typical behavior, with a dose of sensory, overstim stuff and a pinch of immaturity thrown in for good measure.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Malika, lol!

    Sorry, just read the post about Aunt Dorothy.

    What I had intended to say was that I understand how draining that can be. What a day you had! But you are very astute in your observations and you have *both* come a long way. Keep breathing.
  10. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Yes, but you say that confuzzled and honestly I'd like to believe it's true but I just don't see other French kids having tantrums or being oppositional the way J is... and, yes, I do see other kids :) So I don't know...
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Are you keeping a journal? It's hard to get into the habit but it really can be very helpful. Often times there are patterns that become obvious when in written form. Identifiying those patterns can make parenting more successful as you can adapt schedules etc. once you "see" them. Most importantly it is an awesome tool for when you seek out professional help....the written proof of a problem is far more effective than verbal communication. The other benefit is that it tempers parental stress because you are sharing (even though nobody is listening, lol). Hugs DDD
  12. memeliza

    memeliza New Member

    Yes I am keeping a journal and she acts up so to speak after she has contact withher bio momm and when her best Friend bugs her and bugs her my GD first choice is to stay home and do her time(punishmant) I try to intercept the phone but when she gets to it first and I do screen (listen) to the conversation and her friend is very good at talking my GD into runnig off I have aleardy talked to my GD friends mom she could care less so that gets me no where
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I rather expected you were keeping one. They really can be helpful. DDD
  14. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Ummm... memeliza is keeping one - I am not! :) I guess I've been using the forum as a sort of journal... could always look up my previous posts, I guess...
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Malika :)
    After having spent two days in the four year old kindergarten, I'm not so sure your son has many issues at all, other than the fact that French kids are overly well behaved. ALL the little boys in this 4K would have horrified the people in your Yes, he has SOME worrisome behaviors at times, but he seems workable and you are actually very good with him.
    Heck, if he lived in the US and went to our 4K, he would probably blend right in!
  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Malika - I had to learn to write things down as they happened. The biggest reason was... it takes too much energy to keep this stuff filed in your own brain. Which then leaves less mental energy for dealing with "today".

    Its really tough to get organized, and to actually do it. But in the short run... it works. Much more so in the long run.

    All of this, of course, is just my opinion... but you might want to try it sometime? Even give it a week...
  17. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Can I have your address and a settlement visa to the US please, MWM? :)