Sue C is here....it's been a long time

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sue C, Sep 18, 2017.

  1. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Hi everyone. I can't remember the last time I was here. So much has happened. My husband passed away two years ago from brain cancer.

    difficult child #1 is doing awesome! She's now 37 years old, been married for 16 years, has a 5-year-old daughter and a new baby boy. She has a great career. She told me that my husband and I were good role models of what a good marriage should be. :)

    difficult child #2 is not doing good. She's now 31 years old and lives with me. She was briefly living with 2 different boyfriends, but they both broke up the relationship. She has a 2-year-old daughter and a 10-month-old baby boy--both from different fathers. The fathers are losers and do not give her any child support. I have had her arrested twice in the past 8 months for physical abuse. She continues to verbally abuse me every day. She tells her 2 year old to say "Grandma b*tch" and the little one says it to me. She is lazy and helps with nothing around the house except to make messes. She doesn't help make meals.

    Her temper has gotten worse since my husband died. I know she has not worked through her grief. She was daddy's little girl. Numerous times she'll tell me she wished I had died and not him. I just laugh and say, "I know that."

    She started a temp job a month ago, but I've been paying the daycare costs 'cuz she has no money or car. We're waiting to see how much the State will kick in towards the daycare. The costs of daycare are more than she makes! I drive her and the kids 62 miles/day to daycare/work, using my own gas money.

    When the police were here last time, they said I should evict her. She has no money, no car, and no friends that would take them in. How can I turn my innocent grandchildren out into the streets???

    She is currently in anger management counseling due to court order, and it has done nothing to help. She's supposed to start anger management classes tonight.

    She goes to court on October 2nd, and I'm waiting to see what happens. In the meantime, I constantly feel like my heart is squeezed a little tighter each day. My one joy is my granddaughter. But lately she has been hitting me and saying, "Grandma naughty." I know she's getting that from her mom.

    I am not happy with my life. Any sage advice?
    Sue
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2017
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am so sorry, but I dont remember you. Still, I am so glad your oldest daughter is thriving and so sorry about your husbands passing. R.I.P.

    in my opinion your 31 year old daughter should not be in your home, abusing you, coaxing your grandbaby to abuse you, and being financially supported by you. She is able bodied? She can get a job. She wo t? She is 31...her problem, not yours. Yes, it is hard...especially with grandkids...

    in my opinion if she is abusive or unable to care for your grandkids you need to call CPS with examples. If you like, you can offer temp custody or a home for grandbabies, but 31 year old needs to be on her own to give you peace and grow up. 31 and still acting like a mean rebellious mooching thirteen year old...this is not good for you or her or grandkids.

    If you are unwilling to take this step to make daughter face responsibility, sadly nothing is likely to change for any of you, except that it could get worse as grandkids get older and are bigger and more hostile.

    Mother is encouraging them to treat you like trash...they will. Does Daughter physially abuse you too? She sounds horrible.

    You cant take care of Daughter forever. One day she will find herself alone with two kids. And she will never have been on her own with them. Then what?

    Hoping you will get some therapy as you take steps to protect yourself. Please take care of you. You matter too. There are things you can do, but there is no way to do anything important for you or grandchildren without upsetting your daughter. Thats what you need to face and act upon to find the peace you deserve. And to maybe help grandkids before she makes them as bad as herself.

    You should not allow daughter to abuse you. It is elder abuse.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 18, 2017
  3. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, Welcome back Sue. SWOT is right, this is your daughters problem to deal with not yours. Fortunately I don't have the grandchild issue clouding things for me but it doesn't change the fact that the children are your daughters responsibility and at 31 years old, she is no longer yours.

    Get counseling to help you out. Read the detachment article towards the top of the Emeritus forum to remind you of what you need to do. I'm sorry for you losing your husband and her losing her father but that's no reason for her to be abusive towards you any more than its a reason for you to accept that abuse. Good luck.
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sue, welcome back. I'm so sorry about your husbands passing, your daughter's treatment of you and your unhappiness.....you have so much on your plate and none of it is nourishing or positive for you.

    I would suggest that you contact NAMI ASAP. They are the National Alliance on Mental Illness and you can access them online. They offer wonderful parent courses as well as resources, information, guidance and support for YOU. Secondly, find a therapist to work with you to learn how to detach from your daughter and her choices. You can find therapists at the Psychology today website as well as goodtherapy.org. It may be prudent to find a 12 step group, like CODA to start getting support. As Jabber mentioned, please read the article on detachment, you can access it at the bottom of my post here.

    When we are in the thick of our dysfunctional connections with our adult kids, we are so used to the treatment we receive that we are not able to see the big picture, we are essentially blind to what is truly going on. Sue, you deserve more than this, you deserve a peaceful home and an adult child who loves you, respects you and treats you with kindness and consideration. You deserve to be enjoying this time in your life. You deserve joy and happiness. Remember, we train those around us to treat us the way we believe we deserve to be treated.....so, in my estimation, the work is for you to get the help you need to make different choices so you can live the life you desire.

    Get support for yourself as soon as you can. Then, as you begin to focus on yourself and your own needs and desires, you will be in a better position to make positive, healthy choices for yourself.

    Hang in there. Keep posting. Get support immediately. You're not alone.
     
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  5. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    I did go to a psychotherapist. The first session all she did was tell me what my daughter should do. Then she said see you in a month! At the second session, she told me to take 2 hours/day to leave the house and do what I wanted. See you in two weeks. (leaving the house each day was helpful) At the third session, she told me that when my daughter starts swearing at me, I should grab my keys and leave the house. That worked....once. See you in two weeks. The morning of my appointment, she left a VM that she had to reschedule. I called back and got her VM and left a message. She never called me back! That was about two months ago. And she was supposed to be a caring person. Not. I haven't sought out another counselor yet. Oh, yeah. This one told me I was trapped and had to keep my daughter because of the grandchildren and them having nowhere to go. That was her great wisdom.
     
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've found that sometimes we must filter thru the "bad" therapists to find someone who can truly help us. You had a bad experience with a therapist, I've had that too, however with everything going on in your life, it seems imperative for you to find some form of support.....I would feel angry as well if that was my experience, however in order to make any kind of change in your life, you'll have to do something differently.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I had no problem leaving therapists who were not helping me, but there have been many who have too.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2017
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome back, Sue!

    Very sorry about your hubby.

    So glad your oldest is doing well!

    Sue, I think what your younger daughter is doing (telling her children to be mean to you and call you names) is one of the worst things I have ever read on this forum.

    You can't allow that to continue. I think what she is doing is child abuse.

    Your grandchildren's lives will be adversely affected by being taught that it is acceptable to call people ugly names and be mean to them. This is very serious. It is scary.

    The lesson is being reinforced by the way your daughter treats you, and the fact that you allow it. You need to make it stop, for the sake of your grandchildren.

    I would drop daughter off at the local shelter after calling CPS and telling them of your concerns.

    Any therapist that would tell you that you have to put up with abuse is wrong.

    My adult step-son called me an ugly name exactly once. I dropped the item I had in my hand and was about to get my daughter and walk out the door when my hubby ordered his son to leave.

    You deserve to be treated with respect, especially in your own home. And your grandchildren deserve to be taught how to interact with others with kindness and respect.

    Doing the right thing is often the hardest thing, but it will be better in the long run.

    Find a therapist that will support you.

    Apple
     
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  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Welcome back!!! It is great to have you here. I am glad your older daughter is doing well. Losing your husband is a tragedy and I am so sorry.

    As for your younger daughter, there is absolutely no excuse for her behavior. NONE! Especially teaching her child to disrespect you verbally and to hit you. Trust me, that won't stop as the child gets older and bigger. Stop that NOW.

    It is time to get a different therapist and get your daughter out of your house. Your grandkids are not your responsibility. Yes, they tug at your heartstrings. It will be hard to drop them at a shelter. Maybe you need to get an attorney and contact CPS to get custody of the kids rather than letting her take them with her. I don't know the legalities in your area, but that may be something you want to look into. Either way, get that woman out of your house. There is no excuse for the way she treats you.

    Please notice I said "woman". Your daughter is not a child. She is an adult, a woman. She is fully able to take care of herself. She is fully responsible for herself. She has not one but TWO children of her own that she is also responsible for. You are treating her as though she is a child. Try treating her like an adult and making her take responsibility for her own bills, her own children, and her own care and shelter. It will make her grow up in a hurry. She needs to learn that if she says "Grandma B*tch" then Grandma will BE a B*tch to her. Not just to be mean, but to teach her that actions have consequences.

    She CHOSE to have kids with fathers who would not pay support. I bet those fathers drink and likely smoke or use other substances. If they have cash for that, they can cough up for their kids. Get the law involved and get some cash out of them. It should not come from Grandma's pocket. As long as Grandma is nice, Mom and the fathers will not bother to pay. As soon as Grandma starts acting like a rational adult, who doesn't want to be taken advantage of, Mom and the fathers will HAVE to pay or find a new mark to squeeze the cash out of. I think that is all you are to your daughter at this point, a mark to take advantage of. Stand up for yourself and don't allow it.

    As for your therapist, not all therapists have the sense that God gave chickens. Some of them are not smart enough to come in out of the rain. This one sure isn't. To tell you that you can't kick your daughter out because she has kids? Total idiot who needs a therapist is what this therapist is!!! Most people don't realize that to become a therapist you have to have a certain number of hours of therapy yourself. Often it isn't enough, and some just don't have any common sense. Find a different therapist, one who can see you every week, not every month. Or at least see you every other week! There is nothing wrong with viewing the first 2-3 visits with a therapist as an interview where YOU are interviewing the therapist to see if they will be a good fit for you. I have always done this because I am the one paying and I need a therapist who will meet MY needs. I don't care if the therapist likes this or not. Actually, if they get offended by this, we won't be a good fit because they are an idiot in my opinion. Better to find that out up front. Try going in with this attitude and seeing if it helps you find someone who will help you.

    As for your daughter, if you continue to allow her to stay long term, you will end up seriously abused. This physical and financial abuse is only going to get worse. She is going to raise those kids to beat you. Is that on your list of goals for life? Or is that something you don't thing sounds like fun or something you want to support? If you don't want to be a beaten, financially abused woman, start taking steps to get her out of your home. Use her violence against her to get custody of the kids if you want it. A good sharky lawyer can do this. If they say they cannot, interview another lawyer.

    Also, each time she hits you or damages ANYTHING in your home, call the police. I don't CARE if she has a record or is getting anger management counseling or whatever. Keep calling and pressing charges every time. It will only help you get her out faster. Ask for an order of protection against her next time so she cannot come into your home if you want her out fast. Otherwise you may have to go through a legal eviction. Then you will have to give her 30 days or some such nonsense to get out. There is no telling how violent she will get in those last 30 days.

    Of course this is just my opinion. I understand if you are not ready to take these steps. You have my full support for whatever steps you are ready to take, whenever you are ready to take them.
     
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  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Sue,
    I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and now you are dealing with your ungrateful daughter.
    I wish I had a magical answer for you that would make everything better.
    What you're dealing with is unhealthy for everyone involved, especially your grandchildren. They are watching their mother disrespect you and are modeling that.
    I'm so sorry you had a therapist that did not help you. Sometimes you need to go through a few to find a good match.
    The therapist telling you to leave your own home when your daughter becomes disrespectful is so wrong. Seriously!! It's YOUR house. The only one who should be leaving is your ungrateful daughter.

    While I appreciate your concern for your grandchildren you need to be concerned for your own health and mental well being. I would imagine you are still trying to grieve the loss of your husband but how can you when you are dealing with your daughter?

    Your daughter is being abusive not only to you but your grandchildren. One of the best things you can do is document everything but do not let your daughter know this. If you can, when she is being abusive, record it on your phone or get a nanny cam that you can hide. Same thing when your grandchildren say ugly things to you. Others have suggested you contact CPS and I agree. If you are able to care for your grandchildren then you can start working with CPS to find out what you need to do.

    I hope you seek out a new therapist. You need one that will help you create strong boundaries where your daughter is concerned.

    Nothing will change until you change it.

    ((HUGS)) for your hurting heart.
     
  11. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    You are being abused in your own home. I don't know how old you are, but you could call an elder abuse hotline for help. A generic one is at
    Adult Protective Services and Elder Abuse Hotline | Family Caregiver Alliance

    In your local area you probably have Adult Protective Services or something similar. Or call a domestic abuse hotline.

    It is absolutely not OK the way you are being treated.

    I'm sorry the mental health professionals have let you down. We all know we have a very flawed system.

    Please, please, please don't let this abusive situation go on. It won't get better, it will only get worse.

    Reaching out here for support was a good first step. Now you need to get the authorities involved. You don't deserve this kind of abuse. Did the policeman who told you evict her leave you a card? If so, you could reach out to him/her.

    Just know you don't deserve this and you don't have to put up with it.
     
  12. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome back, Sue.
    We care about you here. Your daughter is behaving horribly. If she were my daughter she'd have hit the road after the first instance. She is banking on you not putting her children on the street. Put another way, she is using her children as leverage to abuse you.
    She is the one making terrible choices in her life. Do you think you should suffer for her mistakes?

    Sue, your home should feel safe and loving and comfortable not be a battle ground of physical and mental abuse. Please take care.
     
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  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Hello Sue. I'm sorry you have to be back with us and I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. It must be good to know that one child is doing well.

    NO ONE deserves to be treated as you are being treated. Would you put up with this from anyone else? If you had a friend or acquaintance you were allowing to stay with you, who you were totally supporting, providing with food, shelter, necessaries, spending gas money, cleaning up after...would you let them curse you and abuse you? NO! No one would put up with that! If your state requires eviction proceedings, start them. If your state does not, drop her butt off at the closest shelter to her place of work and take all her crap to her there - heck...just don't pick her up from work! She's physically abused you - to the point you have had her arrested - and you let her back in? Did you post bond too? I do hope that, if she does it again, you use that circumstance to get a protection order which bars her from your home.

    As everyone else has said, you HAVE to get that woman - not daughter, she doesn't deserve the title - out of your house, whatever it takes. I understand that you don't want to lose the grands. I have none myself so I can't say I know how you feel, but I know little ones tug at your heart and it will be very, very hard. But honestly, will it be harder or hurt more than hearing those precious little lips cursing you? Can anything be worse than that?

    She will not change. Why should she? She has everything paid for, an ATM, housekeeper, cook, babysitter and punching bag all rolled up in one mom-sized package. Nothing is going to change unless YOU change it!

    I am so, so sorry for your pain. Please, get help and get her out of your home!
     
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  14. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    Sue, my condolences on the passing of your husband.

    I don't know what else I can add to everyone else's posts. They have echoed everything I could possibly say. The longer this vicious circle continues, the worse things will become. I hope you will be able to move forward and take care of you - you are important.

    {hugs}