support needed!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by peg2, Apr 7, 2013.

  1. peg2

    peg2 Member

    I got a good suggestion, I answered on the thread " I hate this situation" but someone told me to start my own. I'm exhaused now, would you please read my post and offer any support?
    Thanks, Peg
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Be happy to, but can you post a link to it for easy finding?
  3. peg2

    peg2 Member

    sorry, I don't know how to do that, I am awful on the computer.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    That's ok. I copied your post and put it here.

    PEG'S POST:::

    [h=2]Re: I really hate this whole situation[/h]
    JFK, I think I could have written your post. My 22 yr. old difficult child is exactly like yours....I had to get a restraining order 3 years ago and the pain is still awful. Tried to help as best I could, even with the RO but you know that story!! Years ago was told not to come backtoshelter for 3 months, problem. was told what yours was, must follow rules,etc.etc. Anyway, myheart is breaking right now, mine is in jail for contempt of court, I would guess for missing a court date. has tried to call me(collect, of course) several times, but I won't answer. Bail is 1750.00 and although I could do it, I am holding tough because I bailed him out a few months ago(only 250.00 bail then) and he didn't show up for court so I lost that money. He is homeless now, like he was then, so he would just go back to wherever he was. I understand that would be better than jail and I hate the thought of him there but I can't do it. He was given tickets for no registration, having marijuana in the car and who knows what else. He must learn we all have to follow rules. I tried to get him to take some help but he doesn't want it.
    How can I cope with my heart breaking, I feel I am hanging on by a thread. he could be in jail for a few weeks until they set a court date. I pray and hope St.Dymphna(patron saint of those with mental health,etc. problems)watches over him. Why are we given this burden????
    Thanks, Peg​

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Peg, now I read your post a nd I'm so sorry you are so sad and are going through this. This isn't much maybe, but have you ever gone to nar-anon? I found a lot of compassion, good sense, and strong shoulders when I went. I did not speak at the first meeting and my husband did not want to come with me at first so I went alone, but even the first time helped, although I was just basically listening and crying. Eventually, husband came with and we did talk. It didn't change my daughter, but it helped change me and my way of coping, which had not been good.

    I hope somebody posts who can help you more than I did. Gentle hugs.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    peg2, I'm also sorry you are going through this with your son. It is heartbreaking for us when our kids are struggling. I agree with MWM, getting support for yourself is the way to soothe your heartache, 12 step groups. codependency groups, private therapy, therapy groups and NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness which you can access online, and they have chapters all over. Many here have benefited from NAMI parent groups.)

    There comes a point with our kids, regardless of the reasons they are on the streets, or in any way acting out or living unsavory lives, that we have done everything possible for them, however they refuse any help and refuse to do anything for themselves. That is the point at which you must let go, learn to detach and accept a situation that you cannot change. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post, it has helpful information. Many here also benefit from the serenity prayer....

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Detachment is a very difficult challenge for parents because it goes against much we believe we must do for our adult kids, which is why support for YOU is essential. Your son is young and may in fact change his ways, but often they work it out so natural consequences are the way in which they learn these difficult life lessons...........and truthfully, some don't learn. We know how you feel, we know the torment, the worry, the fear, the angers, the remarkable way in which it breaks your heart and depletes you of your joy and life force. As much as we want to, as much as we try, we cannot control another's choices, even our kids. We control out of fear and of course, we are terrified for them. But control doesn't work, it is an exercise in futility, it is crazy making, highly stressful and will do harm to you physically.

    The way to stop your pain is to get some kind of support. I opted for therapy, a therapy run support group for parents like me, 12 step codependency groups, books and this forum. Without all of that support, I would still be suffering. You have to learn tools to detach. You may or may not be at the point at which there is nothing else you can do, only you can decide when that is, but if you are or you aren't, seek help for yourself. No matter how you look at this, it is very difficult.

    As to why you have this burden, I have no idea, but I believe that the question serves no purpose for you, it is what it is, just as if your son was diagnosed with Leukemia or you had a car accident, it happens and you have to deal with it. The whys are less important then the way in which you travel the road, the choices you make, what you learn, how you respond, how you find your peace and grace amidst all of the chaos.

    While he is in jail, concentrate on YOU, focus on you and what your needs are. Find support. When you are feeling overwhelmed with the desperation, take a walk in nature, meditate, do deep breathing exercises, something which reduces stress. Yoga works. Acupuncture works. Find ways to self soothe, to find your center again, to find peace regardless of the choices your son is making. That is a tall order I know, but if you learn that, in the middle of this emotional hurricane, you might have an answer to your question. I wish you peace...............hugs..............
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Peg....welcome. I actually think its probably a good thing for you and your son that he is in jail because you know where he is and that he is at least somewhere safe and getting fed and clothed. Jail isnt quite as bad as we imagine in our nightmares. Sure they cant come and go as they please but they do get a place to sleep that is dry and out of the weather. Better than being homeless.

    At this point you can take the time to work on you and how you can learn to be the parent of an adult child with issues. Therapy is an excellent place to start. You want to learn how to love him but not enable him and love him to death. You want to learn how to be able to there on the sidelines to cheer him on when he does well but not take on his problems as your own. In other words, you wont him to grow up. If he doesnt, he will end up like my SO's brother...a 54 year old deadbeat loser who has taken up residence in my house because he refuses to do anything else and my SO wont toss his rear out.
  8. Peg - I'm happy to meet you but sad that you had to join us.

    Your difficult child has a lot of stuff going on from reading your signature. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this.

    I will agree that he may be better off in jail right now. He is safe, dry and fed, and you know where he is.

    Is there any way you can get a mental health professional to visit him in jail? Speak to his lawyer and have the judge make that a condition of his release or part of his sentencing - to get some mental health assessment or help? I'm not the least bit familiar with what the courts will do because thankfully my difficult child hasn't been in that kind of trouble. I think that is where I would start though.

    In the meantime I agree with the others - you have to learn how to support yourself through this. It is a struggle to do what is necessary for our own health when we are so wrapped up in our difficult children. I know, I am struggling with that myself. I do find that when I take the time to meditate or do some yoga or exercise I do feel better and more able to cope with what comes my way.

    Big hugs to you. Please keep us posted on his situation.
  9. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I think you are getting some good responses from the other posters. Hugs to you!
  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Good Morning, Peg :O)

    As Recovering suggested, the Serenity Prayer will help you cope with the minute to minute horror of what is happening. It will help when you wake up in the night and can't stop worrying, too. Keep it in your purse on an index card. It will function as a talisman during the day when you are at work and can't take that minute to say it aloud.

    When that prayer was suggested to me, I was like, "I know that prayer already!" The lady who suggested it wrote it out for me and told me to read it until I got it. I did. It works. I will post it here for you again, though I know Recovering already did.

    Read it until it works, Peg.

    It will give you a place to stand.

    God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
    The Courage to change the things I can;
    And the Wisdom to know the difference.

    You did the right thing by not posting bail. I know that is so hard. But we are in a battle here, to try to save our children from themselves. The parents on this site are fighting that battle, too. We will help you learn what you need to know.


    At the bottoms of our posts, many of us post links to sites we find helpful. There are links at the bottom of my posts, too. When I was where you are now, this information helped me survive.

    As Recovering alluded to Peg, our battle is twofold: To save our children, and to save ourselves. The first time I went through this, I spiraled into a depression in which I obsessed over ways to save my own son. I went on this crazy search for how and why it happened, which vitamins counteracted drug use, what treatments and treatment centers and ~ oh Lord, on and on and on.

    Plus, I was in therapy for such a long time.

    I began to heal when I realized, through something one of the other moms on the site had to say, that my son too, had been raised better than to do what he was doing. The more I thought about our situation in that light, the stronger and healthier I became.

    You need to understand that too, Peg.

    Your son was raised to know better than to do what he is doing.

    A mother's words have more power than we know. Once you can see the truth that your son DOES know better, you can tell that to him with utter conviction. You know who he was meant to be. You, and only you, can tell him that. It's like holding a light for him, Peg. Drug use clouds the senses, and the kids get lost in who they think they must be, because they are using drugs.

    Vicious circle.

    You are his mother.

    Tell him a different truth.

    Another thing we found helpful was: "I love you too much to watch you self-destruct."

    So, that's what I know.

    "You were raised better than to do what you are doing."

    "I love you too much to watch you self-destruct."

    Read through posts here and in Substance Abuse, Peg. When you need a little break from the horror of the thing, try Watercooler, Recipe Archives, or the Healthy Living.

    You will make it through this. One way or another, you will pull your son through it, too.

    Wishing you well and sending strength, Peg.

    I am sorry this happened to you, and to your son.

  11. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    There were many times I was happy to find my difficult child was in jail JUST to know where he was and he was not using, or hopefully not. From my experiences the young difficult children are treated well. Of course, being a difficult child, they can be mouthy. I'm sure my difficult child has some mental problems that were never diagnosed and I have tried to get him to seek help, he won't do it and he lies so much about everthing, so I just stopped.

    Mine is almost 35yo and I am still going through the difficult child dance. Mine was conning me for money and I fell for it for about 4 months. It really ticked me off this time. He actually went NC with me, but I can't continue a realtionship with him until he receives help. To add to the confusion and drama he has been in a dangerous relationship for about 3 years. She is a very bad partner for him, they are bad enough alone, add them together and it is truly double trouble.

    Mine was clean and sober for over a year, now he is worse than ever. Only a parent having a child like this can understnd the heartache. Learn to detach, meditate, and find counseling and support. I can honestly tell you that all of the money, worry, and trying to help did not help at all.

    They have to learn to take care of themselves, and they always choose the path that we do not understand. At least I don't anyway! I never give up hope for my difficult child's future, I just put the problem where it belongs, in his lap. Step back and let it play out, he is an adult.
    (((huggs and blessings for us all)))