I’m so sorry. This is very hard.
Does your son accept and have insight into his conditions? It seems like he would have to have some if he was willingly taking medications.
I ask because I’m wondering whether there is some way to get some buy-in about next steps. For example, weed can be the devil in its own right but xanax is a biotch. When abused, it can induce paradoxical rage instead of reduce anxiety. It is very addictive and takes a long time to kick.
Could you or someone else is his life take a team approach with him about getting him more stable? With my son, it seems to help to assume he also wanted more stability (whether he would consciously agree or not) and to act like we are willing to partner with him to get there.
So my son had a debilitating run with Xanax. We were able to agree that he didn’t want rage episodes. We were also able to assume out loud with him that he wants to launch someday (and work in that excessive weed will not get him there).
These were weird little moments where he felt we were on his side and that helped him slowly pivot toward a better direction. Not with me managing, mind you, given all the oppositional traits. He’s working with a substance abuse therapist and making baby steps on productivity and understanding what if any level of substances he can manage. Here I think it helps that the counselor is also a recovered addict. They get it.
It took a lot to process my feelings so I could even approach the issue this way But with ODD it seems like these kids will suffer a lot before they will submit.
Last year, my son couch surfed for four months rather than meet any benchmark for adulting, reasonable use or behaving at home. But I think he traumatized himself as a result. Two years earlier, despite months and months of interim boundaries crossed, counseling and advance warning, he lost his private high school and won himself a stint at residential treatment. I think deep inside he feels massive regret for those choices, but something in his brain just cant seem to protect him from stepping into the steaming pile each time.
So tough love isn’t the best
teaching tool with him. Boundary keeping is necessary for my own personal integrity but as long as he sees it that way, it depersonalizes the consequences for him, which seems important for these types.
He’s 19 now and I’m just now accepting that collaboration works better. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem like it will lead to a big “aha” moment, like some of the other DCs on this board have had. Just a lifetime of baby steps, maybe.
This is just my experience with my oppositional one. Hope it helps.