Terrible Mom

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by christielynnj, Jun 25, 2013.

  1. christielynnj

    christielynnj New Member

    My 5 year old son was on day 2 of VBS. On day 1 his teacher said he was put in time out for pushing the other kids around. Today, with 15 minutes until it let out for the day, the director calls pleading with me to come inside, skip the pick up line and come get your child. I go inside and she starts the list of all his offenses (he hit her in the belly, he kept running toward the doors trying to get out, he was inconsolable at lunch and on the playground) all the while I am apologizing and then she explains "he is behind this door with our pastor and some other volunteers". I put her out of her misery and assured her I wouldn't bring him back (without any tears for once). She was visibly relieved and it was all I could do not to show any emotion in front of her, morph into psycho mom on my son, and break into tears once we were in the car. This is a fairly common scenario for us. He was "expelled from pre-k 2 after 3 months for biting. He only got to attend pre-k 3 for about 6 months (we moved) and I was called in at least once a week. Pre-k for started rough with the running away incidents and hitting other kids, but by the last 4-5 months he was a perfect angel at home and school. I felt like I could breathe again instead of waiting by the phone everyday for a call to come pick him up. Feeling confident, I signed him up for VBS at the same school...he made it two days before the behavior started up again. Now a few weeks later I felt like we would give it another try at a different church and this all happened.

    He has never been diagnosed with anything. The doctor says that doesn't become an option until 5 (he's been 5 for 2 months). He has delayed speech which he receives therapy for and is improving. He has trouble with making eye contact, he likes to line things up, he loves counting, he moves constantly, doesn't seems to be bothered by loud noise. He seems younger mentally than his peers, he will play with other kids and seems very outgoing (he likes to introduce himself to everyone and tell about his fave toy of the moment), but most kids kind of look at him funny (maybe because his speech isn't quite right) and he usually ends up on his own sooner or later. We stopped going to playdates because a group of boys decided he needed to be put in jail and they all ganged up on him...he didn't seem to notice what was going on, but I was beside myself with anger and sadness.

    I have basically taken on my parents style of parenting which is zero patients, yelling, screaming, rage (Mom's style) and constantly disappointmented, talk down about him to others, little affection (Dad's style). The main differences are that I feel immense guilt and grief over my behavior. I worry that I am making him this way, but at the same time I feel like I only act this way when he goes into crazy mode. When he is doing well I am doing well. We've tried different discipline methods 1-2-3- magic seemed to be like magic, but not so magical anymore. We spanked some in the beginning, but it only made him aggressive. Time outs led to him deciding to do the bad behavior and time out himself. Really at home he is manageable, but when he is at school, church, etc. he is out of control. With Kindergarten starting in a couple of months I am terrified at what will happen.

    My husband's friend said he sounds a lot like his son who was diagnosed with Aspbergers...however, from what I have read it doesn't sound right to me. My mom says his behavior sounds like my sister's when she was his age and she was put on Ritalin which made her all better. I don't know where the hitting comes from or the running away, but I feel pretty confident the way he shows his frustration and anger is learned behavior from me.

    I have to believe that it is more than just me though because I have a two year old that is the polar opposite of him in every way. My 5 year old never made a peep until two and my 2 year old has made sounds since he was born. the baby makes constant eye contact, very affectionate, can sit still...doesn't have much going on verbally, but tries, calm, easy going. The 5 year old is all over the place.

    I'm at a loss. I don't know where to start to help him. I feel like a complete and utter failure.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You're NOT a failure. His brain is just differently wired. You didn't case it and it is hard to parent children who don't think like "typical" children. Throw out the parenting manuals because you need creative help.

    In the meantime, as I said on the other forum, take him to a neuropsychologist. He's not too young. He sounds A LOT autistic. Many traits. He needs interventions. Early is best :) Speech delays are typical for Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids, but they often catch up. It's the social skills that don't. Being friendly is NOT having social skills. A lot of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids are very friendly and annoy others to pieces because they can't read social cues and tend to overtalk about their own areas of interest without listening. A common first diagnosis. for an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kid is ADHD/ODD. That's because Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids normally hang from the rafters and get frustrated easily and have meltdowns.

    You could also take him to a university hospital for a comprehensive evaluation by a group of professionals. It is unlikely you will get the right diagnosis. right off the bat, but understanding his problems will help him in school, which is already becoming an issue for him.
    Good luck!
  3. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    I also replied to your other thread since it is exactly the same and I don't come to Early Childhood very often anymore.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I already posted on the other version of this thread, but wanted to add...

    Some books that might be useful or interesting:
    1) The Explosive Child by Ross Greene
    2) Be Different by John Elder Robinson

    Start learning how to "see" different and "think" different. It will help you figure out what works and what doesn't. From there, it's experience that counts.

    Simplify your life and his, as far as you dare, and then do it some more. Structure, routine, predictability, reduction of noise and activity, etc. Once you have things "under control" it will be more obvious what some of the triggers are. For example I have a difficult child who doesn't mind noise at all - but has Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) and can't hear well over the noise. Having to "listen" in a noisy environment drives him over the edge, but not just "being" in a noisy environment... but other kids can't stand the noise.