Bad- Ever since Matt got out of RTCs he has been struggling with anxiety, most prominent, agoraphobia. Somehow, I thought it would dissipate when he moved. Nope, now he is in a big city, and it is worse. Good- He has finally decided to start seeing a therapist. WOW. Well this is a HUGE step for him. Not once in his 21 years has he ever, EVER, really talked to a therapist. Despite seeing therapists since he was 4, and being in 3 RTCs, he always has refused to talk about his inner feelings. What a moot point to have him in all of those, when he wouldn't talk, right? Pointless in retrospect. So I found him this amazing psychologist in Portland that runs an Anxiety Clinic. He met her, and he *loved* her. I was floored. I mean, I was really amazed. He said he shared everything, and he loved talking to her. (OK, really??? After ALL these years he has *finally* gotten to the point where he could confide in someone?) I guess the biggest thing they talked about was that so many of his issues have to do with his PTSD. Ugly - So after the second session he came back to my house for T-Day holiday. He spent the night crying his eyes out, he was in the worst agonizing pain I have ever seen another person in. He started having flashbacks and becoming inconsolable. At times he was dissociative. Memories that he had been sexually abused by his babysitters when he was appx 2-3 yo surfaced. This was not a total surprise to me, as he had this happen one other time and we have talked about it - but this time the memory was crystal clear. This time he remembered everything. He just cried for hours, it was so horrible for him and for me, as I had no idea what to do or how to respond. I talked to my counselor about it, and she gave me some advice. Both she and I pondered whether this and the other traumatic things that have happened to Matt in his life could be the root cause of his behavior problems. As Matt stayed here the next couple of days, he seemed much better, like a huge burden had been relieved from his shoulders. Then last night as he knew he was going home today, and to see the counselor he totally blew a gasket. I mean - like a typical 10 yo difficult child would throw a tantrum - he just lost it. Then again this morning, same thing. I could barely get him out the door to drive home. He said, no I am just gonna stay here....yea right. I said NO, you are going home, period. So he saw her again today, and they talked about everything that had happened in the last week. She said, like any good counselor would say, that they needed to slow things down. Take baby steps. And that he doesn't need to talk about every memory he has ever had in one session. Which is good. She also told him that when he feels this overwhelming anxiety that he needs to stay in the moment and feel it, and not run away from it. Which is good. Yet, once I dropped him off at his home he became anxiety ridden again, and frantic. He kept saying that his counselor said to *feel* the emotion and not run from it. Which is great, but truthfully I can barely stand to be around him when he does this. I know it is healthy for him, but it triggers about 18,000 flight and fight emotions for me. Conclusion - I don't know. I want to be there for him during this, as I always have been there for him. I am certainly not going to bale on him now. However..... although this is all very, very healthy for him - and I am really excited that he finally wants help - I feel just as worn out and sucked dry as I have all along. I don't think it is a matter of separating from him really, because he is 2 hours away. It is more that once again - when I am with him he cycles in and out of being a mess - which makes me crazy. I just want it all to stop. I know, that is being selfish on my part, when finally he is getting help, I should be thankful. But seriously I just want to stick my head in the sand and pretend the world is not even on its axis. I am tired of the drama. I want normal. I am pretty sure, I won't get it. Ever.