I am trying to decide if I should include explaining to him that since he doesn't believe in God why would I invite him to share in a Christian holiday. Of course that's not the only reason, I don't trust him. I would be worried to have him in my home as if he went to the bathroom I would wonder if he was sneaking into my bedroom looking for money. Too many bad memories from the past.
I suppose I should just send the ID documents and not say anything.
Hi Tanya and I'm sorry he is acting like this. I was trying to remember how old your difficult child is. I am guessing he is in his early 20s?
I don't know, I think there are so many facets to this. First, they love to engage us in endless rounds of discussion about whatever. The engagement is the point, not the subject matter. They want a connection to us, their parents, but they go about it all the wrong way.
I have waited for years for my son to simply say: I don't know why I do the things I do. I am sorry for how I have hurt you. I want help to change.
Hasn't happened. My own son, now 25, doesn't believe in God but he does believe in...cannabis. I say that almost tongue in cheek because he posted some stupid thing on FB a few days ago about why cannabis should be legalized. We have both agreed not to discuss this, he and I, because our views on this subject could not be further from the other's.
So, another fact: young men in their 20s, especially early 20s, many of them (not all of course) are just so far from being grown up. Their thoughts and actions, on their best days, are impossible to fathom and understand. There is no logic to it all.
So, Tanya, don't waste your time discussing your faith with your son. He can't see it, and he can't hear you. He doesn't even know the language to discuss it intelligently with you.
You know who you are, and he does not know who he is. And if he's an alcoholic or addict, he really doesn't know who he is. The substances are doing all the talking. You will make absolutely no headway with him, and you will just be more frustrated than you are right now.
I know, sometimes we just want to SAY IT...for the record. But that's "our record" not theirs. And sometimes I think it's okay to just say it all, get it out there, and then be done, if you can. Because their response will likely engage you and me more and more and in the end, we will have SAID IT, but at what cost to ourselves?
At this point, Tanya, we need to put ourselves as #1. Numero Uno. We are more important than they are. My "rule" is the 51% rule.
I am 51 percent and you are 49 percent. That is a vast change from how I lived for many years, doing and doing and doing for my son while he trashed his own life and affected mine drastically. No more. Today, he still has an effect on my life because I love him and I am okay with that.
But I have boundaries today with him that I protect diligently. I love him with all my heart but his is the life he has to live. Not my monkey, not my circus anymore.
I would mail him the documents and then just turn, and walk in another direction for a while, figuratively, when it comes to him. Oh, he will surface again, never fear.
Our difficult children are amazing survivors. It is amazing what they will survive. Today, my difficult child is living in an apartment, working two jobs, and making some progress. I don't know how much and I try not to parse it all. He is living with a girl who stabbed him and now she is supposedly pregnant. Dumb and dumber. But again, not my monkey not my circus. I have no voice in this, nor do I want one.
I will deal with what I need to deal with, in terms of a possible grandchild, when the time comes. That time is probably not today or next week or next month.
Warm hugs to you. I know the pain. I know the deep desire for them to find God/Higher Power because those of us who rely on this Higher Power to help us through each day know the relief and the serenity and the peace that comes with believing and trusting and seeing the Hand of our Higher Power work in the world.
But we can't prescribe this for anyone else. They have to stumble upon it on their own. And it is very likely that it's not their parents who are going to show them the "light."
I have accepted this too.