HeadlightsMom
Well-Known Member
A little update from here.... (longer than I thought, oh well......someone get me an editor? Ha!)
May 5 --- Our son went to court and was left to continue on probation. He says he's been clean 25+ days now. He has follow-up court (in 2 months) to ensure he's doing what he said he'd do. Proud of him right now (she said, recognizing it's good to keep grounded in the wide range of realities). He set up Intensive Out-Patient (IOP -- a little surprised the court allowed that instead of more In-Patient, but they did). He set up clean and sober housing. He has begun working odd jobs and has an interview with a major glass company later this week.
May 8 (Fri) --- Although our communication has been much better (he's clearly clean....not hard to distinguish), I found myself feeling taken for granted. Old stuff on my part, I think. Stuff I kept in and didn't say earlier, when I should have. I began to suppress it again, but then decided enough of that. So I wrote him a message (Facebook) and told him exactly what I was feeling. To my surprise, he called me not 10-min later to talk about our feelings. He shared his and I shared mine. Then we each shared our boundaries. YES, he now has boundaries......and, to my surprise, they were healthy and wise. I told him my boundaries. Basically, we both wanted to know we had each other's support. He wanted my public, verbal support in him getting/staying clean (no negativity). I wanted his public, verbal support that he wanted us to be his parents (may sound odd, but I'm guessing many of you "feel me" on this one). To my utter amazement.........THE CONVERSATION WENT VERY WELL! He has major difficulties. But, son of a gun......he appears to be slowly evolving into an adult. And, hey, I ain't perfect, either. I appear to be slowly evolving into a more healthy kind of detached, yet loving parent.
He apologized for being gone 6 months, saying he missed most of it in a "drug haze". I accepted his apology and replied, "You may've missed it, but I experienced every single minute of the last 6 months and they were not easy. Yes, your feelings matter. Know that my feelings matter, also." Surprisingly, I think he heard me.
I then wrote something publicly on Facebook offering my support (telling him we were proud of him). He saw it and immediately wrote something publicly on Facebook that he loved us and was so glad to have had our great talk and excited to see us tomorrow.
Whaddya know? We both stated our need, we both heard each other, and we both complied with each others' respectful requests. AMAZING. Not accustomed to that. Realize it may not happen often, sooooo.......... just running with it with gratitude! LOL!
May 9 (Sat) --- We saw him for Mother's Day (best we could coordinate). Shocker...........he bought me a card (which said applicable things) and wrote me an apologetic note and some very kind words about me being a better mom than I realize. Um, yeah........tears in my eyes on that one. We then went to a movie ("Kingsman".........you know, something soft and sentimental.......NOT! Ha!). Afterward we spent time up on a hillside overlooking the bay........just talking.
I think the biggest lesson I've learned over this last year is to SAY LESS and LISTEN MORE. This is helpful for many reasons: 1) He already knows what he should do; 2) He is not looking for answers, just looking to be heard (our son is a talker, galore.....I've always known this was a big need of his, even when I didn't heed it); 3) It completely takes me off the hook for decisions, advice or comments; 4) It helps me maintain boundaries and detachment, while focusing on LOVE THROUGH LISTENING.
I'm positive all of that is easier on him (he feels less judged, as HE figures out his life). I'm also positive all of that is easier on me (I feel less responsible, as I LET HIM figure out HIS life).
My Path/Struggle --- I don't want to sound like I have a strong handle on all of this. I don't. I've just been through years and years of hell trying to learn this stuff. The more I let go, the more I become aware of how, ultimately, we each must walk our own path. I tried to walk his. Didn't work. I've even tried, at moments, to let others walk mine (which shocks me, in retrospect.......it just hurt so much parenting him at times). That didn't work, either. And the more time goes by, the more I realize that Free Will is a GIFT beyond compare. Free Will, of necessity, means we are the captains of our own ships. True, we may all be sucky steerers of our ships at moments. Just part of the process at getting better at steering. And after maaaaany years of steering my own ship right onto the rocks, I'm just not willing to do that any more. At first, it was so hard to do. I questioned myself ALL the time. But now, some years in, I don't question myself nearly so much. Still do at moments. But those moments pass.
And the critical thing I learn is that EVERYONE steers their ship ONTO the rocks sometimes. But it doesn't mean we can't steer it right back OFF of the rocks. At a moment's notice, too. Learning that better now.
Mother's Day Weekend --- This weekend has SUCKED for me for about 10 years. Used to hurt so much that I had to choose something else fun (we usually chose to go to a baseball game -- on Father's Day, too, because it hurt my husband, also).
This year was different. In fact, unbelievably, I didn't even realize Mother's Day was approaching until a friend asked me about it last Thursday. We've been uber busy lately, so, honestly, this was the first time in 10 years that I felt no attachment to it at all. But, then...........boom-boom-boom! Suddenly our son requested to see us, got me a CARD (that's huge, trust me!), we had grandkids, and we even found a Ticketmaster gift certificate (Christmas present) we'd forgotten we had. So we selected a concert (Neil Diamond), managed to snag a pair of the last seats available, and when we got there, the usher gave us freebie better seats!
Whaddya know? I'm thinkin' this was a PURE gift from God/The Universe! And I took it, baaaaabyyyyy!
All those years of horrific Mother's Day weekends. One never knows what future Mother's Day weekends hold.
But..........as for this one.........I reiterate........ I took it with great gratitude, baaaaabyyyyy!
I'm finding that the more I "let go", the more I gain without even seeking it. In life in general, too. Not my normal mode, but I like it so much, I'm getting much better at not thinking about tomorrow.
Today will take care of itself. And so will tomorrow.
May 5 --- Our son went to court and was left to continue on probation. He says he's been clean 25+ days now. He has follow-up court (in 2 months) to ensure he's doing what he said he'd do. Proud of him right now (she said, recognizing it's good to keep grounded in the wide range of realities). He set up Intensive Out-Patient (IOP -- a little surprised the court allowed that instead of more In-Patient, but they did). He set up clean and sober housing. He has begun working odd jobs and has an interview with a major glass company later this week.
May 8 (Fri) --- Although our communication has been much better (he's clearly clean....not hard to distinguish), I found myself feeling taken for granted. Old stuff on my part, I think. Stuff I kept in and didn't say earlier, when I should have. I began to suppress it again, but then decided enough of that. So I wrote him a message (Facebook) and told him exactly what I was feeling. To my surprise, he called me not 10-min later to talk about our feelings. He shared his and I shared mine. Then we each shared our boundaries. YES, he now has boundaries......and, to my surprise, they were healthy and wise. I told him my boundaries. Basically, we both wanted to know we had each other's support. He wanted my public, verbal support in him getting/staying clean (no negativity). I wanted his public, verbal support that he wanted us to be his parents (may sound odd, but I'm guessing many of you "feel me" on this one). To my utter amazement.........THE CONVERSATION WENT VERY WELL! He has major difficulties. But, son of a gun......he appears to be slowly evolving into an adult. And, hey, I ain't perfect, either. I appear to be slowly evolving into a more healthy kind of detached, yet loving parent.
He apologized for being gone 6 months, saying he missed most of it in a "drug haze". I accepted his apology and replied, "You may've missed it, but I experienced every single minute of the last 6 months and they were not easy. Yes, your feelings matter. Know that my feelings matter, also." Surprisingly, I think he heard me.
I then wrote something publicly on Facebook offering my support (telling him we were proud of him). He saw it and immediately wrote something publicly on Facebook that he loved us and was so glad to have had our great talk and excited to see us tomorrow.
Whaddya know? We both stated our need, we both heard each other, and we both complied with each others' respectful requests. AMAZING. Not accustomed to that. Realize it may not happen often, sooooo.......... just running with it with gratitude! LOL!
May 9 (Sat) --- We saw him for Mother's Day (best we could coordinate). Shocker...........he bought me a card (which said applicable things) and wrote me an apologetic note and some very kind words about me being a better mom than I realize. Um, yeah........tears in my eyes on that one. We then went to a movie ("Kingsman".........you know, something soft and sentimental.......NOT! Ha!). Afterward we spent time up on a hillside overlooking the bay........just talking.
I think the biggest lesson I've learned over this last year is to SAY LESS and LISTEN MORE. This is helpful for many reasons: 1) He already knows what he should do; 2) He is not looking for answers, just looking to be heard (our son is a talker, galore.....I've always known this was a big need of his, even when I didn't heed it); 3) It completely takes me off the hook for decisions, advice or comments; 4) It helps me maintain boundaries and detachment, while focusing on LOVE THROUGH LISTENING.
I'm positive all of that is easier on him (he feels less judged, as HE figures out his life). I'm also positive all of that is easier on me (I feel less responsible, as I LET HIM figure out HIS life).
My Path/Struggle --- I don't want to sound like I have a strong handle on all of this. I don't. I've just been through years and years of hell trying to learn this stuff. The more I let go, the more I become aware of how, ultimately, we each must walk our own path. I tried to walk his. Didn't work. I've even tried, at moments, to let others walk mine (which shocks me, in retrospect.......it just hurt so much parenting him at times). That didn't work, either. And the more time goes by, the more I realize that Free Will is a GIFT beyond compare. Free Will, of necessity, means we are the captains of our own ships. True, we may all be sucky steerers of our ships at moments. Just part of the process at getting better at steering. And after maaaaany years of steering my own ship right onto the rocks, I'm just not willing to do that any more. At first, it was so hard to do. I questioned myself ALL the time. But now, some years in, I don't question myself nearly so much. Still do at moments. But those moments pass.
And the critical thing I learn is that EVERYONE steers their ship ONTO the rocks sometimes. But it doesn't mean we can't steer it right back OFF of the rocks. At a moment's notice, too. Learning that better now.
Mother's Day Weekend --- This weekend has SUCKED for me for about 10 years. Used to hurt so much that I had to choose something else fun (we usually chose to go to a baseball game -- on Father's Day, too, because it hurt my husband, also).
This year was different. In fact, unbelievably, I didn't even realize Mother's Day was approaching until a friend asked me about it last Thursday. We've been uber busy lately, so, honestly, this was the first time in 10 years that I felt no attachment to it at all. But, then...........boom-boom-boom! Suddenly our son requested to see us, got me a CARD (that's huge, trust me!), we had grandkids, and we even found a Ticketmaster gift certificate (Christmas present) we'd forgotten we had. So we selected a concert (Neil Diamond), managed to snag a pair of the last seats available, and when we got there, the usher gave us freebie better seats!
Whaddya know? I'm thinkin' this was a PURE gift from God/The Universe! And I took it, baaaaabyyyyy!
All those years of horrific Mother's Day weekends. One never knows what future Mother's Day weekends hold.
But..........as for this one.........I reiterate........ I took it with great gratitude, baaaaabyyyyy!
I'm finding that the more I "let go", the more I gain without even seeking it. In life in general, too. Not my normal mode, but I like it so much, I'm getting much better at not thinking about tomorrow.
Today will take care of itself. And so will tomorrow.
