The calm after - CALLING GROUP HUG

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Feb 25, 2009.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I have to admit folks - it's been a really rough week by anyones standards. But one thing I know is that we're all here. Burying Steven last week and saying see ya again - was very hard.

    So maybe right now I'm a little bit more in tune with my feminine side. And belive me - the funeral was NOTHING like we had imagined. Steven was not respected in death any more than he was in life. Hence this is how we became his other parents.

    His death, has really made the living around me a lot more appreciated. A lot of things that happened at Stevens funeral were just wrong. I found out that he was driving the car, and believe me his family, even in death couldnt' find it in their hearts to forgive him. When it came time to walk past the caskets in the church? His family had his casket pushed to the side and back. The only one honored was his uncle. Steven did get a birth and death date announcement, and apparently one other older woman stood up and said "He helped me plant flowers." but that was it. The rest of the 2 1/2 hour ordeal was about the uncle.

    We went to calling hours - drove over 45 minutes - only to find out that his Mom didn't wish for his casket to be viewed. We thought that was odd...and the only flowers that were there - was the casket spray we got him. NOTHING else - not even so much as a bud vase. There was a book for the uncle to sign - but not for Steven. I bought a beautiful Towle sterling silver tri-frame and printed some pictures of Steven from over the years and gave it to his Mother. I blew some other pictures of him at our home or on our boat up - and gave those to her as well. She seemed to be in a hurry - then we found out the real deal - there was a party going on behind their apartments. We were in the way of that. We left.

    I broke the funeral line and went to the casket that was pushed to the back off to the side and it was the first and only contact I had with anythign to do with Steven. DF said after what we witnessed and how his family treated his memory - going to the cemetery for the burial was out. We literally envisioned them putting the rental casket back in the hearse after everyone left OR driving by, and pushing the casket out the back door with one foot and hoping it landed in the grave. Yes, it was that bad.

    I know that Steven isn't "there" but to not honor the dead is hard on those living that cared. Then I got to thinking about how we honor each other (the living) every day. Stevens death has been so hard on Dude and after years not pining away for his other brother Kary - he's really having a hard time.

    I guess - despite all our differences here...I hope today that you are not having a hard time. If you are? I hope that you know there are people out in the world that do give a dang about you and think about you and your kids and laugh and cry with you even though most of us have never met. I still say "My girlfriend in NC, or my girlfriend in WI, or CA, or FL or GA, or CO, or IA, OK, MI, CT, MO, AZ, GA, ID, IL, IN, KS,MN, NE,NV, NY.", or wherever you're from. and every day I come here I try to read, give advice that I feel will help. learn, or if all else fails just make you smile.

    Whenever there is a board upheval? I really try to stay neutral because eventually it will blow over and things will go back to as they were. So with that in mind - I'm calling BOARD HUG.....

    You don't have to like me - but I hope you can at least join the group appreciation hug - and lets move on to greater things. Because despite our differences - WE are ALL GREAT people....(some greater than others, but ONLy if your kid has been diagnosis narcissistic)

    I'm HUGGING - and sending a hug to......
  2. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Hugging you back. Funerals for troubled people are difficult. My father's funeral was surreal - I'm not sure where his *giftedness* came from.

    I'm glad we're friends - I can say more and share more on this forum than I can with my mother at time. All of you are not likely to say something in front of my difficult child I'd said to you in confidence.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a yucky funeral! I can see that being mine Of course, that wouldnt be mine because I plan on being cremated and stuck on the shelf with my mom and grandmother and my kids can figure out what to do with the three of Im evil that way!

    I dont think anyone can understand our relationships on this board unless THEY belong to a support board such as this. And really...unless you have been here long term...its odd. Some of us have been here so long that we might as well be 10 years is a long time. Some marriages dont last that long! We have been through enough upheavals over that time to know that this one is just a little tiny hiccup.

    As far as friends....omg....this board is all I have. As was seen, my family was well trained on what to do when I got sick. They knew they had to come to "my friends." You guys were always on my mind.

    Big hug.
  4. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    . . . Star, here I am, waiting for the hug and ready to hug each and every one on the board. I was so sorry to read about what happened at the funeral and their awful attitude. How sad, for you, and for Dude. Please share this hug with him too. and the hug carries on to . . .
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    just - FYI - this is not a HUG for ME because of Steven -

    This is a calling for a group hug - because well.....I cant' think of any parents who could use hugs more.

    EVEN IF you were in that last post that said you weren't a hugger (self included) lol
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    On to Toronto...
    Sending a triple-strength hug out to all of you, my board family.
    For happy times, sad times, angry times and everything in between.

    I love all of you. You have no idea how much this board means to me, you've all been my lifeline and my rock.

  7. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    And on to central NY. Thanks Star for reminding us of what we have, I really love and appreciate all of you! On to.....
  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    a hug gratefully accepted here in VA, and passing it on .....
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    PA, This board had been a life saver for me and my family. We are family. I'm extending the group hug on to....................
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ditto - sending love and hugs to all. I'm grateful to have found this board - wish I had found it earlier.

    {{{Star}}}, I'm sorry the service/funeral/burial was so awful.

    Last edited: Feb 25, 2009
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Starbie, wow. My heart aches for Steven. And I hope karma is a real *itch when it swings back around. I just can't imagine.

    As for the board...........

    I feel like I've been here forever........and still wish I'd found it sooner than I did. If I didn't care a whole lot about all of you, I doubt I'd still be showing up day after day. lol

    You all are the closest things to *real* sibs I've ever had. I value that more than you'll ever know. And soooooooooo although I'm not normally a hugger........


    And an extra few for you too Star and husband for having to witness such an awful way for a person to be treated. ((((hugs))))
  12. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Ugh! Why were they so angry at him? Do they blame him for the uncle's death?

    I hope he gets to choose better parents the next time around. I'm so sorry you had to witness that anger. Sure puts things in perspective for me. I'm spitting mad at difficult child 2 but glad he's still alive!

    Mega hugs to all who are hurting here!!!
  13. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Starry: I wrap you in my arms and you can share my hankies too. I am so sorry for you loss. Now I am mopping your tears for you and wrapping you in another hug. you are a kind loving soul and bless your sweetheart.
  14. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    A big hug to all of you who understand, who've been with me in the trenches, who've supported me even when I didn't do what you thought I should do. A big hug to those I've offended because I sometimes come off as an arrogant know-it-all and well, that's because I am. A big hug to you old-timers who were here when I arrived in 2004 with fear and trepidation and felt immediately surrounded and understood. A big hug to those who helped me through those difficult months when Jana was hurt and being held captive my the army---and another to those who stood by through those surgeries. A big hug to those who were there when I sent difficult child to rehab (in Buffalo, NY) and he left after two days and came home and no one said, I told you so!!! A gigantic hug to Witz---cause I know you are reading and I really miss you!!!!
  15. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I am tearing up at the thought of that poor boys funeral. Hugs. I appreciate all on the board, even if there are some I don't always agree with. Sometimes it is the differences in opinions that cause us to question ourselves and then to grow more as parents and just as people in general. If we always agreed, I don't think this would be a very informative place.
  16. Kolleen

    Kolleen Guest

    Hugs accepted and shared with you.from MN. I too have bounced off and on the board, knowing it was always here full of great advice. Thanks to all. Who'd think being able to vent the lastest bizarre behaviors would be such a healing necessity. Thanks for always listening.
    HUGS X O X X O X O
  17. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Star* once again......I am tearing up here.

    It is weird, because today I have felt such love for everyone on this board, that I could not even get it out of my head to do chores. I couldn't stop thinking about Toto in Mex. with K., and Linda with her dhs death, and KLMNO with her son and juvy - and then I read the posts on PE. Maybe that is why my friends have been on my mind.

    Like you Star* I call everyone here my "friends" to other in conversations.
    Everyone here has given me SO much - and I pray I can only do the same back.

    Sending a HUGE hug to all my cyber pals:peaceful:
    l love you guys.
  18. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I'm not much of a hugger either but if this group isn't one that should get hugs....I don't know who is. So...


    And Star....a special hug for you and a good cuddle from Cloe for her Auntie Star.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending gentle hugs to each and every one of you, and very happy to get hugs from you too. this is the one place I can come and share my feelings with-o having them come back to bite me in the tush at some future time. I truly think this is the best board that exists!


    I am sorry that you, DF and Dude had to see Stephen treated so horribly. This is why he was YOUR son and NOT their son. He is watching over you, I promise.

    Love to all of you!
  20. tracyf551

    tracyf551 New Member

    Hugs from PA. I am sorry but I am not up on the story of Steven. But I do think it is hoorible that even his mother could treat his death that way.