My dad's impending death is so intense, I feel like someone is stabbing me in the heart once every minute. When Heidi died it was sudden and tragic, but the agony of watching her die was absent. This is literally watching him die. Breath by breath he is weaker, and weaker. Choking on food, not able to sit up, not able to go the bathroom or talk. It will be days, and he will be gone. We spent the whole day with the Hospice lady, and she showed us the stages of death, and there he was in the weeks to days category.I would rather him have been hit by a boulder. And I know he would rather that too. Tonight my Mom and I were trying to get him into bed, and because I am taller and stronger I pushed him more forward then her backwards and he barely made it into bed. She kinda yelled at me, which is understandable, but it just messed with my head that I had almost hurt him. And then my Dad said that he was sorry for making us go through this - and made me promise I would be there tomorrow. OMG. All day today I start to cry, but then I can't because he does not need that. He needs my strength, so does my Mom. But now that I am alone, crying is all I can do. I just need this to be over, and for him to go fast. I have never been good with death - I cannot stand to see a dead animal, even a lizard - and now it is my Dad. I am not sure I have dealt with this in your face type of pain ever. The pain I have dealt with I was able to block and deny for periods of time - this is in my face - cannot deny - 24/7. i know many of you have gone through this - and I feel almost silly even posting about it because almost all of you have walked a mile in my shoes. I guess I just need to relate to those of you who have. For some reason I thought the death of my parents would be easier than this. It is a normal chain reaction of life - but it is not easy in any way shape or form.