The Insanity Continues...

[Toomanytears]

((Sigh))
A few days of quiet (deafening quiet actually) now the s**t is hitting the proverbial fan. We should have known. There is so little peace any more that when we do experience it, we pray it’s for good. But it’s not.

Since being home, our son had asked if his friend could come up for a visit (she begged too). He had been staying with her in between sober living houses.
He had just left her 4 days prior to come home after a year. We didn’t like the idea, but compromised and gave them a choice. She could visit the weekend after Thanksgiving or during Christmas OR prior to his sentencing date in January. Of course, immediate gratification won out, and she came in for a few days right after Thanksgiving. Five days later, we put her on the plane and back home she went to her children. The end.
Nope.
He had his plea bargain hearing (during her visit) and has sentencing mid January. 5-10 years.

He was staying with us but we kept arguing for many reasons, so he decided to stay with his sister. The arrangement was agreed on by all involved. Also, with the understanding that his sister would not be “ responsible” for his actions or decisions.
After all, he is a 36 year old man with 23 yrs of addiction under his belt.

We are thinking he’s staying less than 100 yards away, and we get a call today he’s 1100 mikes away! Back where he was 3 weeks ago when it took us 10 days and 4 flights missed to get him home!!
Apparently, his friend bought him a ride to the airport and flight telling him she needed help to get her house packed up to move. Now he called today (in distress) that he needs to get back home it’s not at all what she said.

Meanwhile, our daughter told us he was talking about going, she told him there was no reason for him to go. She left for work. Said she’s not jeopardizing her job for his plans. She also didn’t want to betray him and hoped he’d be right back before we knew anything ...that’s why no notification from her. Again she wasn’t his “ babysitter”.

Friend called us saying she was taking precautions to “ save” him from doing something he’d regret at home and bringing him to her so she could help.
Our response was, “He was doing just fine here. What have you done?” I previously had explained to her that if she ever flew him down there our “friendship” would be over and that we would never speak again. She promised she would NEVER do that.

So, after talking with our son we were hoping to book an immediate flight late this afternoon until 9:30 tonight but her car couldn’t make it to the airport, flat tire(s). Now we can’t reach either of them. Call after call after call. No answer.

My God. We feel used. Stupid. Angry. Sad.

 

[Elsi]

Oh no. I’m so sorry. What a mess!

Try to remember, though, it’s not YOUR mess. It’s his mess. He made this choice.

I assume he was not supposed to leave the area during this time while waiting for sentencing? Does he have to get back to check in with the courts? What are the repercussions if he is discovered to have left the area? Or if he doesn’t come back?

Is this a girlfriend or just a friend? And what’s her real motive for interfering here?

Those were some mighty convenient flat tires. You don’t see tires go flat too terribly often these days.

 

[Toomanytears]

Thank you for responding Elsi..
This forum gives me so much strength.

He is permitted to leave the area. He of course can not commit another crime. Smh.
He has appeared on all court dates. If he would miss one, a warrant would be issued immediately for his arrest. His next one not being until mid January requires no urgency for him to return.. oh except for maybe spending Christmas with his 8 yr old son or his family..!??!

As far as the relationship, girlfriend I suppose. I’ve been told many times by her that she LOVES him so much her heart aches.

 

[Elsi]

Do you think she’ll try to convince him not to return? To try to disappear rather than turn himself in?

She may loooove him, but she sounds like a loose cannon. And someone who is putting her own wants and desires over what is best for him or what makes logical sense. What did she expect to happen when he came down there? What was the plan to get him Back? What is her end game here? And what does your son want? Does he love her back? Was leaving what he wanted or is he just passively going along when she pushes?

 

[Toomanytears]

I think he’s looking at 5-10 yrs as just that. A long time. He wants to “live” before being in lockdown for years. This entire “ relationship” has been nothing but turmoil. I’m not sure if “she can’t have him, no one will.”
My husband just agreed that your “loose cannon” reference was right on target.
She swears she will make sure he returns. She just needs to spend “more time before he goes.” A whole new level of selfishness.

Tell that to his family and son. Of course we are 2 weeks before the Christmas holiday. It just doesn’t end.

 

[Elsi]

Oh my the drama. I’m so sorry.

I’m sure it does sound like a long time. It has to be a frightening thing to think about too. Has he served time before? Or is this his first time? Has he expressed how he is feeling?

I hope he comes back to spend time with his son. But you can’t control any of this. Try not to get too sucked into the drama or the worry or the fixing. His circus and his monkeys.

After all this, it may be a relief when his sentence starts.

 

[Copabanana]

Toomanytears, I worry about your health and your husband's health. How much of this can you two bear? I think their behavior is unforgivable. I just would feel really bad if you go through this dance with him between now and when he surrenders. It will only get worse. Not only because the jig is up, but because this woman is a player now, and has her own agenda which sounds like extreme emotional reactivity and a lack of any sense of responsibility. She must feel she is starring in a B movie, and is milking this for as much drama and thrills and chills as she can. How is there really a role in this for you?

I absolutely get why you would do it, but I worry about the cost to you. I hear in your post how tired you are.

 

[Smithmom]

So sorry he's done it again. Can you stay away from the turmoil till a few days before the sentencing date? He got himself there why is it your responsibility to get him back? Why worry about it before the sentencing date?

Honestly, 36 or 12?

 

[BusynMember]

There has to come a time when for you it is over. That doesnt mean abandon him but abandon the drama he creates. Its his mess.

Most of us are at least in our 50s,too old to keep risking our health when they just keep screwing up. One day we will be gone.

What then?

You matter! Your health matters! What is the worst that will happen if you let this just unfold?

 

[Toomanytears]

Thank you all for responding.

I guess we hold on to the hope that the 5-10 is a gift and if he, in his drug induced existence ( prescribed mostly) commits another crime, it is LIFE without parole. No questions asked. 3 strikes. We know he is worth so much more than that.

I sat on the stoop last night, with my dog looking at the stars and praying. God has got to have a lesson for him that he must learn this time around... us too. But January starts 24 years - every. single. year. in. court. arrested. or. jailed.

My husband text friend this morning and told her, “You brought him down there, you get him home.” He told her how selfish she is to take our son and our grandson’s daddy away on the last Xmas for years. She insists she didn’t think it thru and will discuss it with him. Oh and her vehicle is not able to be driven to the airport. He did remind her of the Uber service she used to get him there.

Honestly folks, I’m tired. I guess my thoughts were the same as Smithmom ... the important date is mid January. Just so he’s home by then. The holidays just seem to accentuate the sorrow of what could of & should have been ... on top of missing those that were my rock for a good part of this journey (specifically my Mom) who he was very close to and said his last goodbyes to her from a prison visiting room 5 years ago.

 

[Copabanana]

Toomanytears. What a sad story. How could you put the stone down now, when it seems as if it could be the last little bit, to decide all of this, that has gone on so very long.

I would like to tell you this: I worked in maximum security prisons over a 25 year period. There is just as much chance that he will not present himself over in January, as there is. You have no control here. If you carry the rock or do not, there will be the same result, the one that your son determines, or permits. For you and for me. Oh. How I feel my own sadness here and fear, because I have a son who does not take the medication necessary to keep his potentially mortal illness, at bay.

I feel rage at this woman but at the same time realize she is a scapegoat. Your son is the mover in all of this. Not her. I am sorry.

I agree with you and smithmom. January is what is important.

 

[Triedntrue]

I missed part of this i hope you are not holding bail.

 

[Tired out]

I feel so bad for you and the stress he has placed you under.
I agree that you need to step back. Take care of yourselves. There is NO sense in worrying about this right now. You can worry a couple of days before the sentencing if he isn't back. Worrying about it before then is useless. he could come back and take off again. he and that girl are selfish jerks and obviously don't care what they put you or his son through.
Parents don't tell 36 year olds when to get home. That is up to him. His circus, his monkeys.

 

[Smithmom]

Not sure that I'd be blaming the woman as much as your son. Maybe she paid to get him there. But just as she left her kids while they were on thanksgiving break, he left his son. Neither shows much parenting but a whole lot of impulsiveness. Glad your husband is standing firm. Sad for the grandson. But certainly not the first time he's been disappointed by his father. You can't control that.

You've spent years and years watching him destroy his life. I can only pray that you learn to let this stop destroying yours. Your grandson deserves better than grandparents also destroyed by addiction. Also think about the role model you are providing for your grandson. When you're gone and his father calls him... should he have a son who is an addict....should he do something wrong...

 

[elizabrary]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Like others, I strongly encourage you to focus on you and let him deal with this situation as he will. He's obviously concerned about his own wants at the moment, so let him deal with the fall out. Plan your holidays without including him so that you enjoy the time. If he wants to get back he will. If not, it's on him. Sending peace your way.

 

[BusynMember]

I would blame your son, not the woman too. She didnt put a gun to his head. He willingly left you and his son and took off.

Your grandson is going to get very used to his dad being absent and is going to know he was in jail. And probably judge it.

Thats the consequences for crime and going to jail. His mother may remarry a man who takes on the father role.

The situation with his child is his fault too. You dont get automatic love and respect from a child. You earn it by being there,nurturing them, caring for them, being somebody they look up to and learn from and trust to be there for them.

I am sorry that your son made poor choices that impact his life and relationships. Just be loving grandparents. Thats all you can do.

Love and hugs! Stay strong!

 

[CareTooMuch]

I'm going to echo what everyone else is saying. I wouldn't blame the woman, your son made the choice, it was his, not yours not his son's, but his. As hard as I can imagine it will be, try to enjoy this lovely season and don't pay the price for you son's mistakes.

 

[Toomanytears]

Not sure that I'd be blaming the woman as much as your son. Maybe she paid to get him there. But just as she left her kids while they were on thanksgiving break, he left his son. Neither shows much parenting but a whole lot of impulsiveness. Glad your husband is standing firm. Sad for the grandson. But certainly not the first time he's been disappointed by his father. You can't control that.

You've spent years and years watching him destroy his life. I can only pray that you learn to let this stop destroying yours. Your grandson deserves better than grandparents also destroyed by addiction. Also think about the role model you are providing for your grandson. When you're gone and his father calls him... should he have a son who is an addict....should he do something wrong...

Wow. This made me stop breathing for a moment when I read this. And reread again and again.

Our grandson is the most loving, intelligent, intuitive & wise “ old soul” for his ripe old age of 8. His father has been here and imprisoned every 5 yrs for his lifetime. His father was “away”when he was a toddler so he doesn’t remember. He was brought into this world by 2 parents that were addicted. It is nothing but for the Grace of God that he is healthy and “ normal” and genuinely like no other.

That being said, none of this is discussed around him. As intuitive as he is, I’m not naive to think he’s not aware something is going on but he does not know what lies ahead in a few weeks.

His daddy is his hero, his buddy, his go to guy. Believe it or not, he’s a great Dad when present. But now he’s not.

Up to this point, we (and his other grandparents - grandpa has addiction issues -oxy for 20+yrs) have helped raise him. He attends church regularly (credit goes to other grandma), we have always gone out of our way to sit and talk, be present, play games, give to less fortunate, defend what’s right, and even to fight via court for more custody, to have him be in a martial arts program - which he will be a junior black belt in 1-1/2 more years, and even to protect him from unsavory “ friends” of mommy via court orders. Lastly, even visits to see him when “away” last time (and won) but won’t do that this time. Not at his age, peer issues and judgement etc. This is something he and his ex will have to come to an agreement on. We will however, allow him to speak to his daddy during timed phone calls from the inside and write letters.

I can’t help but wonder if his Dad has gone away now so it’s not so hard to leave when the time comes?? Please no judgements. Just thinking aloud.

 

[BusynMember]

The judgeement will come from his son, not us. He is going to know. Dad will be gone now until his son is 13, a pivotal age, and phone calls wont be enough.

A good father is a father not a buddy. He goes to school, taLks to teachers, helps with his homework, helps teach him right from wrong, hugs him when he is hurting, takes care of him when he is sick and is there. He is in the stands to watch him play sports or the trumpet. He doesnt just play with him when he happens to not be incarcerated. Or have short conversations on the phone with him from jail.

The gandson will adore YOU. You have been both parents to him. He will adore you for that.

But as he gets older and aware, he isnt going to think his dad was there for him and he will be probably ashamed he was in jail. And angry too as he tells his friends his dad is in jail and yes teens talk about these things. And the friends react with judgement and shock.

They all adore us at eight. They are little more than babies.

As you know and every parent knows, they can get critical of even very good parents at 16. We can not shield the truth from our grands. You cant cover up for your son. Not in the big picture. He will know. If he os curious he can look his fathers record up onlime. My adopted daughter looked up her birthfather and found all plus his scary looking mugshot. She grew up and got a degree in Criminal Justice and has no interest in ever meeting him. She was about 15 and I had no idea she even knew how to look this up. I didnt know how to look this up!

Kudos to those who are filling the gap gor this sweet child.

 

[Smithmom]

Don't know what to say. I honestly don't make judgements of people. Food, services, items, like clothing, yes, but people no. I believe that the snippets of someone's life we read here are just that, tiny bits. Hardly enough to know someone much less the whole situation described. Certainly not enough to make a judgement about. I sincerely apologize if my wording suggested that I was making a judgment. When I did DBT there was a week of self-observation counting how many times I made a judgement of a person. I had trouble with that because my number was low. Judgements of myself I'm off the charts on however. But my post was not about judgements. In no way was I making any judgement of you.

I also apologize for not writing long posts. Sugar coating is not my gift nor a skill I've learned.

My knowledge of addicts comes only from reading and observing my son and others around me. None were around me until long after my son became one. My son was born to two addicts. From reading it is my understanding that statistically the child of two addicts has a very high risk of becoming one. So I set out to raise my son as best I could to handle life's ups and downs well. By example as well as training. I read of no other recommendation. I failed. My son is an addict. It feels like my failure though of course it is his choice each day to use or not use. But my attempts to keep him from it were a failure. My personal conviction is that there is a genetic pre-disposition to addiction. That is, a genetic switch which can be turned on or off by a power greater than human. If the genetic predisposition is there then its a matter of nurture right? The only choices are nurture and nature right? Wish I had answers.

What I was suggesting is that your grandson not only needs to be prepared to fight addiction should he inheret the gene, but to live with parents who are addicts. I don't personally know what that is like. But I would imagine its a lot like what we live with as parents. For example, does an addict parent call a child looking for a couch to sleep on for the night? Do they call a child looking for money, bail, etc? Do they put guilt on a child because the child inherited money? Certainly we all know of instances where addicts have done this with sibs. Why would parents be different after all, an addict sees a means to an end right? I have tried by teaching and example to train my non-addict sons how not to be manipulated by their addict bro. But its an ongoing process. So I'm suggesting that over time your grandchild will need to learn how to handle these things should they arise. And again apologies, but I do think he will learn a lot of this by observation. That's not a judgement as I have no idea of your whole story. Nor do I have any idea of your grandchild, his situation, where or who he spends time with, etc. So even if I wanted to make a judgement I couldn't.