The need to blame...

[gcvmom]

I'll try to keep this brief.

Suffice to say that my husband has come to the conclusion that his health issues are directly related to a boundary setting decision I made relative to an aspect of our sex life about three years ago.

That's right!

His ADHD diagnosis... (10 years ago)
His cavernous hemangioma in his brain... (discovered 18 months ago)
The brain surgery... (15 months ago)
His weight gain... (up and down for 20 years)
His sleep apnea... (20+ years)
His high cholesterol... (this past year)
His impulse control issues... (his whole life)

Yup. It's ALL MY FAULT. Amazing!

I suspect he'll figure out a solution to the rest of the world's ills any day now, too. And no doubt THOSE are my fault as well.

 

[totoro]

Make a list of the "diagnosis" he has caused you over the past years because of the stress over this decision you have had to make.

And then tell him to add delusional to his list.

I am sorry he is doing this. Even if in your heart you know this is not true, which it obviously is not, it has to still upset you.

Hang in there, hopefully one day he will find the right medication/therapy mix.

 

[witzend]

Well, I was thinking delusional with all of the brain diagnosis's too!

I don't even want to know what boundary you set!

 

[gcvmom]

I think some of this boils down to him freaking out about the doctor telling him he needs to lose 70 pounds.

He is looking for any excuse to justify WHY he's put on so much weight and WHY the doctor's goal is unreasonable.

Whatever.

It doesn't change a thing.

And yes, I too wonder about his grasp of reality sometimes. He has some mighty distorted perceptions about some things...

 

[flutterby]

Bet you didn't know you had so much power, did you? What are you going to use it for next?

 

[witzend]

OK, what exactly were you guys doing that you're not doing anymore that caused him to gain 70 pounds? LOL! Don't answer that!

 

[gcvmom]

Let's just say that when an addict who is NOT in recovery loses one crutch, a replacement quickly fills the void.

 

[gcvmom]

Bet you didn't know you had so much power, did you? What are you going to use it for next?

If I were SMART, I'd use it to start working on my own weight issues. One day at a time...

 

[crazymama30]

Oh my. Wow. I just don't know how I would handle that. That is absolutely nuts. Tell him to go jump in a lake, swim to shore, and then he may lose some weight. jk.

Wow.

 

[mrscatinthehat]

Holy cats.....I guess some people will blame everyone else instead of taking responsibility for their own actions.

beth

 

[Marguerite]

It will be a lot easier for him to lose 70 pounds, than for you to.

That's because he's a bloke. It's not fair, but they can lose weight more easily. Then the ratbags crow about it and say, "I could do it, why can't you?"

So a strong suggestion - if HE begins working on his weight loss, you will need to at the same time, to avoid the crowing.

Alternatively, shove him out to the chicken coop!

I lost the weight (not easy, but in other ways, easier than expected). Once motivated and with support, it can be done. Contrary to a lot of oninion, failure to lose weight and keep it off is NOT due to lack of willpower.

On the subject of needing displacement activity due to a lack of sex life - a couple I know had problems in this area. She wanted sex, he didn't. So instead of expending energy in sex, she gained weight. But he turned his energies into landscaping the garden. The last time I saw their place he was digging a long, deep and curving trench for a detailed series of pools for yet another water feature. All that was left of the yar was a series of stepping stones making their way through an elaborate series of gardens and "outdoor rooms" with fountains. The recent work - he was connecting them all with a series of waterfalls and canals.

He was thin and wiry, he burned up so much energy in the backyard.

Marg

 

[KTMom91]

Thank you for your post, gcvmom. Ever since my marriage to (and subsequent divorce from) Useless Boy, I was told that I was responsible for the misery of the entire Western Hemisphere. I'm pleased that you are taking over this title.

Many hugs. Stuff like this just T's me off.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Marge! I think I love you!!! You have a great sense of irony.

Ms Chicken Coop, if and when husband decides to deal with his issues he will lose the weight. My husband gained a lot after he graduated medical school (I had the audacity to buy a Cuisinart when he graduated and started making quiches and potatoes au gratin). He lost 74 lbs in one year. I did not have to nag, he just decided enough was enough.

Good luck to you both!

 

[eekysign]

His ADHD diagnosis... (10 years ago)
His cavernous hemangioma in his brain... (discovered 18 months ago)
The brain surgery... (15 months ago)
His weight gain... (up and down for 20 years)
His sleep apnea... (20+ years)
His high cholesterol... (this past year)
His impulse control issues... (his whole life)

I'm assuming yes, but has he been evaluated post-brain trauma-stuff? I've been dealing with brain issues for the last few years (stepdad had a brain tumor, best friend keeps having strokes), and they BOTH were irrational nightmares to live with post-event. Best friend is improving, but she was HORRIBLE for months and months. Not that any of this would excuse behavior from 20 years ago, but swelling and damage and surgery can drastically change a personality, sometimes for good. And not always in BIG, obvious ways, but in little "just enough to freakin' annoy you" ways. Ugh, I'm sure you know all this. Just interested to see if any neuro is following his emotional responses.

 

[Shari]

You are one powerful chick. I'm jealous.

 

[nvts]

...OMG! I'm sorry...I can't even comment...it's just too easy...already headed to the corner...this is just as good as the guy that told me in high school that I'd go blind if I stayed a virgin after I turned 16...what will they think of next...



or the guy in college who told me he was conducting a trial to see how much your grades improve if you engage in casual sex...

Beth

 

[gcvmom]

Eeky, no -- surgeon's don't seem to want to stray too far from what they know! But he does see a psychiatrist and I've kept THAT doctor fully updated (even if it is behind husband's back) so he knows EVERYTHING. He said it does help him to structure husband's appointments and the line of questions he asks .

Shari, I would have gladly traded a normal life and NO superwoman powers for the one I ended up in because of my own blindness and then having to pump emotional iron and pop antidepressants just to get to where I am today. It hasn't been easy -- but thank you for the compliment

Beth, that is just too painfully funny to hear How STUPID do we look? I guess it just goes to show how delusional some people are when it comes to rationalizing their own brand of insanity!

 

[Shari]

You could write a (slightly) more detailed description of your husband and post it here, and let us "other women" chime in as to how we'd handle his antics.... then at least maybe he'd appreciate YOU! teehee