The violence surrounds me........

[Steely]

What is up with my life? I feel like I live in the world of The Twilight Zone.

Of course my sister's case is still unsolved. Homicide, suicide, accident - no one knows. She had felt as if this ex was stalking her, but the cops find no evidence of that being linked to her death. How much do I fight to keep this case open, and cops searching? Her absence overshadows everything.

Then my next door neighbor went missing. The cops pounded down my door yesterday looking for leads to where she was. They had some lead that she was murdered. Apparently they found her.

Then an employee was fired at work yesterday, who has since threatened the store and the staff. One person, a male, was too scared to come back to work. What??? The upsetting thing is that this happened 3 months ago when they fired another person. That person threatened me and another person with bodily harm - we called the police - and fortunately nothing has happened. Tonight when I was leaving one the other managers said "do you see a red truck in the parking lot, because you know X (the person we just fired) has a red truck". Again, what???

I mean, I feel like I have lived a whole life of violence with my ex, and then difficult child. I feel like violence is this toxic goo that has seeped out and is affecting everything around me. I want to feel safe. I simply want to feel safe, and have my sister back. If I cannot have her back, then I want to know what happened. That is not too much to ask.

 

[dreamer]

((((((steely))))))
I was just getting ready for bed, my brain is already asleep. I have no wonderful words but I do have lots of hugs. It all sounds scary, to me. I tend to bolt from just raised voices, hints of possible violence undo me. I am so sorry for all this going on around you. Gosh, when it rains it pours, huh?

 

[totoro]

What do you do? It is like you need to re-invent yourself??? You need an extra set of Warrior Gear.
I think about this at times, it is like are we a breeding ground for BS... I think that is how you feel right now???
You start recovering from one thing and it is another... I don't even know how you start to heal... are you talking to therapist???
You need a serious bottle of Calgon... I wish I could send you one!!!

 

[Hound dog]

Violence has become a big part of our daily lives, from small acts of violence we don't give much thought to, to much more serious crimes. It's awful, but it's true.

I think we try not to think about it in order to go about our daily lives. But its there none the less.

Only you can decide how much pressure to put on the police investigation. All I can say is, go with your gut.

Steely, I hope your about to talk over alot of this stuff with a therapist, too. They can be a huge help when you need to pour your thoughts and heart out and just need someone to listen. A therapist might even be able to help you think things through.

((hugs))

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Steely,

I truly am at a loss for words... My heart goes out to you. I honestly don't know how to respond... I think the advice you were given about talking things over with your therapist is an excellent idea.

I don't think what I'm going to tell you in any way compares to you losing your sister. It's just the only experience I have that even remotely comes close to it. I lost a very dear, close friend to suicide over twenty years ago. For a very long time, it bothered me, and even haunted me at times, that I would never understand why he did it. I felt like there was absolutely no closure. Now, many years later, I am finally able to let go of the feeling of needing to find out why it happened. It took me many, many years to do this. I didn't get any therapy to deal with it. In hindsight, I think I would have been much better off if I had. I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to.

It is so, so sad that we live in such violent times... I wish I had some answers. The only thing I do have is a couple of cyber shoulders for you to lean on. Sending hugs... WFEN

 

[Fran]

Sending good thoughts Steely that you will find peace. I can understand your sadness and frustration with the unexplained loss of your sister.

Sometimes I wonder about being a magnet. In my case, it's illness and disease. It just seems that I'm a sickness magnet. So many that are close to me have something medical to deal with. I, personally am healthy but I wonder if it's my karma that attracts it. Not to get mystical but it just can't be a coincidence that it happens to me. Meanwhile, I have never been touched by the violence and threats you have been touched with. You just wonder if you can change the karma somehow.

Hope your experiences turn positive.

 

[Star*]

Steely,

You know I felt the same way a few years back. My marriage was so violent I can't even talk about it still. The parts I was able to talk about and go through hypnosis for seem to have allowed me to not be so on edge about every day life. When you live day to day with a person you trust (spouse) and then they betray that trust by being violent (ie: physical, verbal, emotional) our bodies go into autopilot. We startle easy, we jump at noises that aren't necessarily loud. We are always feeling on guard. We anticipate that the worst will happen and by staying in this heightened state of awareness we feel we increase our chances at survival. If you want to read more about it - look up flight or fight reaction. I had it so bad I couldn't sit without my back to a wall, I didn't sleep for nearly 3 years (on and off for a couple of hours at best), I was so thin people were sure I did street drugs. Emotionally I was on edge with my son, not able to see things clearly and did not take good care of myself.
At some point in therapy this came up and after I did the hypnosis a couple of times (EMDR) I didn't startle nearly as bad. See my x had threatened all our marriage to kill me, my son, my family. When I left for good and took difficult child - every leaf that blew behind me on the road was in my mind HIM coming to kill me - every branch that blew in the wind and made an unfamiliar noise in the night - HIM. Once a plastic bag blew across the parking lot of a new grocery store and when I turned around with the mace in my hand and whistle in my mouth - it was after all that just a bag. I sat in my car and cried I'm sure for over an hour.
At that point I realized that IF I did not do something about my life and how I felt, how I jumped at every little thing, How I was sure that every person sitting with a newspaper or in a car was there to give word back to my x and have my life exhausted and take my son- I was NOT going to make it much longer.

The problem as I saw it at that point was I had SO many problems stemming from the abuse that to dive right into I AM SO PARANOID I can't function - wan't going to happen. I had to deal with underlying problems first and work my way TO those - not doing that in therapy was like putting a bandaid on a severed hand. You have to start where you can and put those wheels in motion for healing yourself. If what you are dealing with is so stressful it's affecting your every day life - then where you are - isn't worth it. If your job makes you so upset - FIND ANOTHER one. If your home doesn't make you feel secure - MOVE. It's hard, and sometimes seems nearly impossible - but if you really need change in your life the only one that is going to make you feel secure and feel safe and feel any sense of normal in your life again - is....

YOU.

Do what you can about the things that you can and find a way to accept the things that you have no control over. When I got like this I found a way to get to therapy two times a week. I moved. I changed EVERYTHING about how I shopped, where I went, who I saw - and it DID give me more peace than I had.

I think if you continue on the path of trying to figure it all out Steely - you are going to end up having a nervous breakdown. For me it's been over 11 years. I'm JUST NOW to the point where I have let my guard down. I was so scared when I went through EMDR (hypnosis) that I would loose "MY EDGE" to be ABLE to fight and fend for myself. That somehow therapy would make me kinder and that would make me a weaker person. A person who would be vulnerable. Instead it has allowed me to breath and really SEE the world, not just the part of it that stinks and I perceive wants to harm me and my son.

I went from not being able to leave the house for fear of x trying to kill me to making a statement that now that he knows where I live if he should ever EVER bother me I will meet him in the driveway and rip his skin off with my bare hands. That did not happen over night. It took work, persistance and soul searching. It took doing a lot of things that I didn't want to (move, change my life, stop seeing people I knew) and literally I got a life.

I hope something in this rambling helps you. Maybe if only - to know that you are not alone. That violence doesn't have to seethe out of you - that you can get rid of it - you just have to be able to make yourself MORE uncomfortable than you are living with the violence - to make a change for yourself. Eventually IT DOES GET BETTER>

Hugs
& UNderstanding
Star

 

[dreamer]

I am thinking at the moment that when we have certain experiences in our life, we start to notice similar things - become more aware of them- happening around us. My kids and I noticed that when we got a different car, we suddenly became far more aware of the same model car all around us, as if suddenly the whole town also all now drove the same model car as us.....well, of course they DIDN'T allbegin to drive same car, we were just MORE aware of that model car.
Violence jumps out at me -----my fav uncle shot and killed my fav aunt when I was a teen. The same week, my girlfriend s boyfriend and her were high and doing a s e x game, and he started her on fire, and she died. My father stalked and abused my mom, and I had my own stalker who was quite violent for years (until he died) Now, I am far more aware of violence around me. It hits me harder than it might hit others I know. Even violent incidents that are not necessarily intentional (like a few weeks ago, the expolsion at the shopping center where I was near at a stop light when it blew) This was around the same time a neighbor killed his infant, and shortly after Tinley Park Lane Bryant shootings and NIU....both which also did touch my personal life.....NONE of these things affected my immediate family, BUT, I am hyper aware of these incidents, and yes, they were right there in my face touching my life. I felt pesonally attacked, almost, I certainly felt quite threatened. My previous experiences caused me to be more aware of such things. ANd to be more than commonly affected by them.

Fran is talking about being an illness magnet....I also feel like one, often. Again I am sure it is becuz the extra ordinarily large number of very very close people to me who have had to cope with major illnesses, including me, my husband, 2 of my kids and so many of my best friends over the years, beginning in childhood. Now I seem to be far more aware of the illnesses the people in my circle of people deal with. AM I a magnet? Maybe...and I am sure my jobs have also drawn me more to illness/disability, BUT.....I think, too, when you are with people, if you mention some thing, some illness or incident etc..then other people open up more and talk more about some of these things, where as if the subject was never brought up, the same people with those issues and experiences might not mention them to you otherwise.

I am so sorry for your pain. I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[DDD]

I am not trying to alter the subject of your post but I think that the traumas in our life can change perceptions. My heart breaks for you for your loss and it does sound as though you are being impacted in other ways as well. I have been blessed to have lived a life free of violence.
on the other hand, my whole life has been altered from the time GFGmom was born in the 1960's. Once I realized that she had problems and discovered there was almost no help available, I began to automatically "see" other children who were not "normal". I had never noticed children who were different unless they were radically different (wheelchairs, obviously developmentally delayed, etc.).

Living with "the alphabet" , living with substance abuse, living with traumatic brain injury, losing respect for "the system"...all those things have changed my perception of reality and daily living. I was always
known as someone fun to be around. I woke up smiling and always was looking forward to something.

Sometimes I feel that I have been robbed. A part of me stays "on guard" in preparation for what might happen. I miss "carefree".

I hope that as the months go by you will be able to feel more at peace with the world and your niche in it. You have been traumatized. on the other hand
with the passage of time perhaps you can regain your perception of a normal life. DDD