The x - Dude and the first phone call /13 years

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Apr 13, 2009.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hi all,

    This weekend was a pretty good one. Dude got paid, he paid us back part of the money he owes us. (Imagine DF's shock at getting handed a 100.00 bill) He also took me out shopping and for lunch Saturday. We had a great time and talked about a lot of things. Then Dude got really quiet and said he had something to tell me but it may make me angry. Before I could say "Just tell me." he blurted out that he had spoken with his biofather.

    Apparently Dude has kept up with his cousin via Myspace for about a year. The cousin said his "dad" really wanted to talk to him, finally Dude relented and said okay and gave a throw away phone number he could call. What followed after that was just plain sad. Sad because you never really WANT to tell your Mom "YOU WERE RIGHT." You'd rather hear from your father that he's not a drug addict or an alcoholic any longer, that he's working, that he's been putting money back for you for a car or college, that the only part of that conversation would be ALL about you (the kid) and not him or his problems on top of problems.

    He proceeded to tell a very different Dude that he's a drug addict and has made a lot of mistakes in his life. He didn't mean to abuse him or his Mother and that was wrong, but it's all water under the bridge now - can they start fresh? Which probably would have been okay and somewhat doable - but then the idiot tells Dude that he's not working. THat jobs are so hard to come by that he's selling pills to make ends meet. The pills he got are from an accident he was in. He got a huge settlement but blew all the money on dope, screwed everyone over and is now FORCED to sell his pain medications and psychiatric. medications to survive. Then asked Dude "Say I could send you $1000, western union but I'd have to take out the fee from the $1000 I sent you." and Dude said "Naw - keep your money."

    Then he went on to ask his "father" about things that happened to his Mom, to him, to them - and why stuff like booze, drugs and other women were more important to him than his kid, his wife his family. The answer? Because he's an *******. That was it - he said he had no better answer but felt that about covered it. Dude asked him why he did some of the things he did - and why in all these years he never contacted him or sent a card or anything but one letter and a rusty bicycle in a brand new bike box.

    His answer again "Because I'm an *******." and Dude said "That's a description, not an answer." THen "father" tells him that he bought that bike from his cousins. Dude said "Grandma said you got it from a pawn shop." no reply. Then "father" says "I didn't have any money, I wanted you to have something." Dude said "I was told MY racing bike would be sent - what happened to it?" "Father" said "I just got rid of it." as if it didn't matter - the kid slept with that bike and he KNEW how much that bike meant to him because he took a truck that was to be put back for Dude, sold it and used the money for drugs - but managed to hold out 1,000 for the bike - it was a racing bicycle. It was all he got from the sale of HIS truck. Unreal. And when he said "I just got RID of it?" ugh-moron. He also said "well you probably would have had it long ago if your Mother hadn't KEPT you from me." and Dude said "My Mother didn't try to keep me FROM you she tried to KEEP ME SAFE." there was no retort.

    Then the "father" asked Dude if he had a vehicle, that the cousin he hated had just bought himself a new vehicle - (only because his dad PAYS his child support to his mom) and wanted to know if DUde wanted the vehicle he had sitting here. Dude asked "Does it have a title or is it stolen like that van you gave my Mom when you took her truck?" and right over his head he said "No it's legal." Then DUde said "Naw - keep your truck." Dude said there was more - WOE is me - talk and talk about women he was with, and drugs he's overdone and how he tried several times to kill himself unsuccessfully (Really unsuccessfully huh? -DUH) and how he did hit me (hit? try nearly killed a few times) and how he probably shouldn't have done that. (Gosh how about trading your kid for crack cocaine?) never mentioned it. Never said I' am so sorry sincerely, just - Well there - I cleansed my soul and now you should do what I say - and take my gifts so that I can think I'm absolved from those crimes. (id' like to drop him in acid and see him DEsolved)

    At the end of the conversation - the "father" said he'd really like to see Dude and Dude said to him that he was working and very busy between that and school. He said my x asked if I was still with that guy...and DUde said "MY DAD?" naw - they got married." he said nothing was said for a minute and then -Dude said "Well I gotta go." The "father" said "I sure would love to see you." and Dude said "Yeah well, I have work, and probation and all - so ya know I'm really busy." Then he said he told him "I love you son." and Dude said "Talk to you later sometime." and hung up.

    I sat there in a daze. Part of me wanted to just scream at this jerk for taking what could be considered his second chance to make up to his kid and find out about HIS life - and instead he turned it into a cleansing of the soul by telling a troubled kid "LIfe is tough, there are no jobs so I HAVE to sell drugs, and I do drugs, and I'm sorry, and I shouldn't have done what I did (YA FREAKING THINK JACK?" but it's done now - and we need a clean slate?" OMG I was furious but you were there with me saying "Be calm - and listen." so I did = and finally Dude said "You know what Mom? He has had two chances to make up to me what he did - but he never said I am sorry - to me - he was just saying he was sorry about HIMSELF. Then after 13 years he tries to bribe me with less than a $1000; oh I love that Mom - I can't send you a whole $1,000 because of fees - ugh - and a used car that he says is legal but I doubt it." and he thinks that will make EVERYTHING he did okay.

    Dude just sat there shaking his head, and I just put my hand on his and said "I think you did very well son." Then, still not done being angry - Dude said "ALL OF IT?? ALL OF WHAT HE DID IS WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE?" OMG is he serious? I kept thinking of all those nights in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and group homes so angry about carp and it's like it never happend to him. YOu were right Mom you were right - EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING YOU told me about him - he confirmed." OMG - what a jerk.

    I just smiled.....and told him I thought it went well - and that's about what level of sorry that man could attain. I was sorry that he had a chance to meet with Dude and made it all about himself, and his drug problems, his alcohol and sex addicition problems, how sorry he was that he couldn't find a job after he had been given chance over chance in his field - and how sorry still it was that yes - he had 13 years to save up and do right by his son and did nothing. Then I told Dude that I didn't feel sorry for the man - but I felt proud that Dude handled himself the way he did and told the jerk to keep his pittance and used car.

    I never got child support - I told the judge I didn't want the heartache. He'd never supported me in 13 years of marriage, and I was quite used to working 3 jobs to support us. I'd do that if necessary. So he's never sent squat for his own son. He never did squat for him and now all of a sudden he wants to play Daddy? Oh and asked him why he didn't call him Dad? OMG - the nerve. Dude told him he'd call him Dad if he wanted him to, but it didn't feel they agreed his first name was dooable. Wish the turd had asked me for some suggestions.....

    I knew this day would come sooner or later - I even figured there may be a "reunion" but after this phone call it's obvious that all the work we put into Dude and the work he put into himself paid off and he was able to recognize a master manipulator. Dude said he just could NOT get over how he kept going on and on about his problems....Dude told me - I wanted to say "They're all your own doing." but said nothing as he felt it would be wasted words and that everything I had told him about that man was more than true. (what little I did share) and tried to keep it decent.

    I'm proud of my kid.
    I hope the toad finds a hole and stays in it.

    THanks for listening
    Lasted edited by : Apr 13, 2009
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    It sounds like you have done an excellent job showing him how to use the toold he needs... And he has been listening and learning how to use them!

    HUGS!!! To both of you... and "DAD" too!

    I would feel sorry for the x, but he's a moron.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    How proud you must be......and should be, Starbie. That is terrific that somehow Dude has gone into "fast forward mature mode". It took my children to post college age to accept their Dad as he is and move on. easy child/difficult child's Dad moved out of town with-o a days notice when he was 15 and had actually gotten use to spending time with him. After his brain surgery his bioDad called him once to tell him "I love you son. Sorry I haven't been there for you. Maybe we can see each other sometime."

    I completely (minus the violence) understand and I am thrilled for you and Dude. This is an important week. DDD
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    After all that man (use that term loosely) has done to us - Dude especially? We had worried so much that he would want a reunion and then harm that man, throwing his life away.

    For what he did to Dude he doesn't deserve forgiveness of any kind in my opinion but I am pleased that Dude was able to even listen to him, and make some pretty grown up assessments of what was going on.

    His bottom line? He felt like the man was trying to buy him. And he was.

    Jerk - never offered to send ME $1000 less fees.....rofl.
  5. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Wow - there are quite a few sperm & egg donors out there who never truly quite "get it", do they? They never cease to amaze me. It's always about the sperm/egg donor - never the kid. NEVER.

    Sadder still, is seeing the kids try everything they know to please the sperm/egg donor in the hope they will one day have the fantasy parent/child relationship they crave.

    You've done well Star - raising Dude, despite the difficulties, and sitting quietly while Dude had his say about the sperm donor.

    I'm happy that he was able to use reason and judgment when dealing with the sperm donor, and did not get drawn into that drama.
  6. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Star, I am so very proud of Dude and the way he handled himself during that...erm...conversation (for lack of a better word). I too am so glad that Dude just chose to listen, learn and come to conclusions rather than letting anger make bad decisions for him.

    And yeah. The toad. The hole. I'm right with you there.

  7. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Star, it's a real tribute to you that Dude handled it the way he did. Well done Dude!

    Hugs to you, Star.

    Love, Esther
  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That is amazing! I sat on the edge of my seat and read this. I cant believe the craziness of some people but it sounds so familiar. Every excuse in the book to keep from doing the right thing. I have heard it to. I just hope my son realizes what he is throwing away - I dont know if it will ever happen.
  9. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so proud of dude. And I do feel sorry for the man. He has no idea what he has lost out on because of his stupid, selfish, sadistic choices. He lost you. He lost his son.

    My oldest, Joshua, lives up near you now. His father is also in that area. He has not seen J since he was about 14. I never had anything bad to say about him. I didn't need to. I knew he would disappear into the world and not be a father. I never also never received a penny of child support. I didn't want to be the reason he went to jail---and he would have gone rather than pay support. I didn't want to have to explain to my son why his bio was in jail. He missed Joshua's high school graduation and college graduation. He missed seeing his son get married. My husband was his son's best man. His son considers another man his father. He missed seeing his grandson born. His grandson calls my husband Pepa. He will miss seeing his grandaughter's birth in May.

    But in the end, I won and he lost. I raised a wonderful man who is everything his bio will never be.
    And that is the victory!
  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    And mom, you done real good!
  11. ML

    ML Guest

    I am very proud of Dude. This went well because he revealed himself completely. I'm sorry for Dude's heart and for all you endured at the hands of such cruelty. Thank you for being part of my cyber family. Love, ML
  12. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    while you hate that the kids are hurting.......

    .......don't you just have that teeny little smile going on inside when they realize that yes, their other parent IS an idiot?

    Mine have both asked me numerous times how I managed to stay married to the man for so long.
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm proud of Dude, too. It's good that this happened now, when he is working so hard to make his life right. He's able to appreciate what a piece of work his dad is, and know that the man isn't worth his time. I hope he knows he isn't worth his tears or worry anymore, either. Personally, I'd care more about something I'd scrape off of my shoe. Big hugs to you for being there.
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Dude is turning into the man his father will never be.

    I'm so proud of Dude. He handled that so well, so mature, so tactfully.

    Now hopefully x will slink back into the depths of hades where he came from and leave Dude alone.

  15. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Did u see my recent post here? We figured out that the person who tried to rob us was looking for and likely pocketing hubby's pain pills (hubby hasn't been taking them...yet they are disappearing).
    Why? I dunno. To sell. To take. Both. Who knows.
    I agree with- the others...interesting and powerful that Dude was able to listen to his father coming from the perspective of a working man. said he made a "grown up" assessment.
    Way To Go Dude!!!!
    Seems times are a changing for that Dude of yours!
    Sending good thoughts, prayers, positive vibes...for more of the same! I'm feeling goooood about these posts!
  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    So, so proud of Dude! To handle such a disturbing conversation with style and grace...I'm impressed!
  17. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    :bravo: Bravo to dude. On some level it has to be painful but he came up with his own defense against the hurt by pointing out the obvious.

    I never understood a country that requires passing a test and insurance to drive a car but any ninny could produce a child.

    I hope this helps Dude fill the holes that need filled so he can have a solid foundation to build the rest of his life.

    I know you must feel more hope than you have for a long time. Enjoy the hard earned right to have hope.
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    This was so wonderful to read, Star. I'm so happy for Dude - and you!!

    I was reading in the paper about this young man, who, beginning in HS, had made such an impact on his community. He was a volunteer & coach in many capacities, was clean and sober, married to the love of his life, and had 5 daughters. He was killed in a freak accident -he was in his 40's.

    Why is it people who are scum, like your ex (and mine), continue to last and last? Ugh, I hope he find his hole and stays in it too!
  19. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Wow Star,

    That's pretty heavy emotional stuff to go through...I know.
    I talked to and met my bio dad for the first time when I was 17...he too is an alcoholic and a very self absorbed man. He too wanted it to be "water under the bridge", actually said, "Lets forget the past". But see...that PAST was ME. I had lived all those years in pain without a daddy. I was the freak in class when "what does your dad do?" and I said, "I don't have a dad" and the class looked at me like I was from mars.

    Within a year after meeting my bio dad...I tried to kill myself. Too much pain had resurfaced in a big way and I was not handling it well at all.
    Just as a cautionary, watch for signs of depression in Dude. These encounters with our loser bio dad's can be overwhelming emotionally.

    Hugs to both of you...I do hope dude can truly accept and move on from here. It's alot of pain to know how little you've meant to a "parent" along the way, that it's alll about them and "their problems".
    And I know that Mamma carry's alot of guilt and pain mom certainly did. Even a few weeks ago I heard my mom say..."If only I hadn't married (his name)". She's 60 and still carry's a level of guilt. But, she also has always told me that I was meant to be, that THAT had to be the only reason she got involved with that man was to make me.

    Thank G-d for a Mother's Love
    Hugs and love to you both,
  20. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Star, Just wanted to add too that perhaps your "Dude" may have a MUCH healthier interpretation of why bio dad wasn't there for him than I did as a teen.

    I turned it inward on self and thought that there must have been something about ME that was unimportant, not significant enough, not WORTHY of being loved well by him. Of course I know today that none of that was true...but you know how children/teens can be, thinking it was something about them.

    Today I know that my bio dad lacked the capacity to love, to reach out, to care, to give to ANYONE well...not just me. That being a self absorbed alcoholic/addict means that "drug of choice" comes before any and all.

    Anyway, Hopefully your dude is better grounded in his interpretation of things than I was as a teen. I know you will be there to help him understand, put things in perspective, if when needed.