Therapy

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by newstart, Apr 8, 2019.

  1. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I finally went back to therapy. I have a hard time with confrontation. I realized how bad it was when I told my daughter I would buy her one pair of pants and she put 3 pair in my cart, I just got annoyed, did not say anything and bought them. When I got home I was ashamed of myself to let myself be taken advantage of yet again. I do walk on egg shells around my daughter and I just want the peace to flow between us. I am learning that confrontation does not have to be angry and I could say what I needed to say to her in a kind calm voice and get my message across. I was in a weaken state with lots of stress and grief and just sucked it in, NO more, I will confront right away, I will feel better and more authentic and my daughter may realize that I can do it.
    Many times during confrontation, my voice gets loud, I get nervous and things get ugly. I am lucky that I can confront my husband about anything and we can talk it out, most people are not like him and they get mad and ugly. No matter what things still need to be confronted and the sooner I get comfortable with confronting the sooner my life will get better.

    With all the crap my daughter has given me, the one thing that she has not done (knock on wood) is tell me she is going to be somewhere and not show up. I have told her that if she is not 15 minutes early to some place she is late. My daughter knows how I feel about people being late, it is very disrespectful. Even though my daughter is a compulsive liar and has done some horrible things she does show up when she says she will and if running late she will call. Even though her boyfriend is doing a bit better, he is constantly late with everything, it would drive me crazy to have him in my everyday life. My husband is a just on time guy and it drives me crazy. There are people that run an hour or two late and do not bother to call, I do not have them in my life.

    My daughter has been making her rent payments since last Oct. Her car, student loans are paid in full and I am off all her bank accounts. The ONLY thing now is the house note, that is my only financial attachment to her and she gets the message loud and clear that if she does not pay her rent she is out, we are close to having the house paid off so that will be another relief. With the positive change in her boyfriend, he has been taking better care of the yard and house. All this positive stuff that I wrote about can change very quickly so I will enjoy it while it lasts. They can do well for a little while and then the bottom drops out of the bucket and I have no idea how it can turn so bad so fast.

    Even though they are doing better, it is still not good or healthy but maybe in their eyes it is and I have to learn that maybe that is enough. I have noticed since I see both of them trying more I have been buying them more things, not out of obligation but because I want to. I bought them pool memberships, and the cutest beach towels, they love to relax at the pool.

    I am digging my way through and good therapy is what is helping. I have been a servant to my family, friends and community and I am learning to take care of me. New territory. Sometime I feel as if I am being selfish and I have to get over that. I am learning about self compassion, building a stronger me.
     
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  2. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Wonderful that you are going to therapy, have identified your weak area, have made inroads, are digging your way through and moving forward extremely well.

    Also...that many things of your daughters have been paid and of late the rent has been paid.

    My husband at times struggles with setting boundaries and lets our daughter get away with things. I have to remind him that it never works out well to let her keep on keeping on when it comes to breaking boundaries. She will have nooo breaks and stuff worsens. He agrees. It is just sooo hard and we all need help and guidance at times. This stuff can be super hard.

    Blessings. And good to hear all this great news !:)
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So glad you are taking care of YOU. I think it is inbred as us, that mothers can't ever think of themselves.

    I think that for many of our adult children, when we give them an inch they take a mile. That is what makes it so hard on us to freely give to them.

    As you said, enjoy the now and that things are going better.

    I hope that things continue to get better and better for you!
     
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  4. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    This is such wonderful progress. I have struggled with confrontation myself. It helped me a lot when I figured out the difference between aggressive and assertive. Aggressive is approaching an issue with anger and attacking the person you are dealing with. Assertive is stating your point in a calm, clear way. No anger, just this is what I think, or this is how I am doing things. I think a great example of this is when you call for an unscheduled doctor's appointment. if you are sick. I used to explain my situation and ask if they could see me. They would usually hem and haw around and try to push me back one or more days. Now I just call, state my problem and say, "What time can I come in today?" Weirdly, they just find a time. :laugh: I'm glad you are working on yourself. Sending peace to you.
     
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  5. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I also stuggle with confrontation. Your post hit home. I have made a few small inroads but have a long way to go. Your post has encouraged me to keep trying.
     
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