Thoughts on recent posts Mk II

[Rumpole]

I just wanted to apologise to all those who were offended by my post about difficult children being kicked out of home.

I didn't mean to offend; I do feel very strongly about particular forms of treatment and dealing with difficult children, but I also know it's never easy and no parent does any of this with a sense of joy or happiness. It's difficult and gut-wrenching, I'm very sorry if I implied otherwise in my posts.

It's a particularly difficult time as my Mum is visiting me in London (from Sydney, Aus) at the moment, and occasionally it feels as though no matter how well I do (going to law school, moving 12,000 miles away and living independently in London) it's not quite enough and my difficult child behaviours on top always tend to throw a spanner in the works.

I'm grateful for the support from the posters who did speak up, equally I'm sorry if I did offend. Sincerely, that wasn't my intention.

Rumpole

 

[recoveringenabler]

Rumpole, thank you for your apology, I appreciate that you gave this some thought and that you were willing to come forth like you did, that really shows your character and your heart.

I can understand how having your Mum visit opened up a slew of feelings on many levels. And, my initial response to you was that you were trying to protect difficult child's, certainly understandable given your history. It's always, for me, a big growth experience to see my part in something and then have the willingness and the courage to own it and apologize. I think you do your Mum proud. And, just so you know, many of us (kids) spend a lifetime trying to be "enough" for our parents, their expectations for us, with all the very best intentions, can feel hard to live up to. I know that feeling too, sometimes we never outgrow it no matter how old we are. (((HUGS))))

 

[ThreeShadows]

Wow, Rumpole! I hope you are being truthful. See, that's the problem with having raised difficult children. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if that expression means anything in your culture, but here in the States it means that we find it hard to believe the good stuff, because we have been hurt repeatedly and are waiting for the next blow to our souls. Our children's drug use can turn us into cynics and pessimists. I feel that I have lost my innocence. I really hate that suspicion. I wish that you and your mum can have a tension free visit and reconnect out of your love and respect for each other.

 

[SuZir]

See, that's the problem with having raised difficult children. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know if that expression means anything in your culture, but here in the States it means that we find it hard to believe the good stuff, because we have been hurt repeatedly and are waiting for the next blow to our souls. Our children's drug use can turn us into cynics and pessimists. I feel that I have lost my innocence. I really hate that suspicion. I wish that you and your mum can have a tension free visit and reconnect out of your love and respect for each other.

I'm getting little off topic here, but I think this is very important point with our difficult children, especially with addicted difficult children. Even when they are doing great we are really always waiting for other shoe to drop, waiting for a call that everything is in chaos again. With my difficult child things are still very bumpy, he is very young, even more so immature and while he is doing great in many ways, setbacks are frequent. So I really have a very good reason to wait the other shoe to drop.

But what about if difficult child's and my dreams come true? If he will be doing great a longer period of time? God forbid, what about if he succeeds on his sport dreams and ends up with money and fame? He is now doing well with shoestring budget, lots of support and guidance. But what about if he ends up with more money than he needs? I mean, if you make high six figures or seven figures a year, how much easier it is to think that it doesn't matter, if you loose some of it in poker table. As long as you just have fun. And everyone else is doing it too! Of course in reality for the gambling addict no income is high enough to finance the habit, they just gamble with higher stakes. And compulsive gambling is about so much more than money. It is about time, the mind frame, mental health, about being addicted. But how can I ever stop waiting for other shoe to drop? Especially if he does so well that he does have that money and temptation.

So even if he does well, even if he does so for a long time, I'm likely to worry and be cautious. And is that fair to him? Him working so hard, doing all the right things, doing so well and me there, always doubting, always being cautious over something he screwed up when he was a kid. In some point that will be counter-productive and make things only more difficult for him. If your mother doesn't believe on you, who does? And how can he believe on himself if no one else does?

So we are damned if we do, damned if we don't. Then again, no one did promise me that parenting would be easy and fun...

 

[toughlovin]

All so true. I have waited for the other shoe to drop and it has dropped many many times. Now it seems it has dropped almost as far as it can go.... I am hopefully getting to a place of more acceptance. He is who he is, he will do what he is going to do and if he gets things together, gets off drugs and is successful I really hope I can be happy for him and still accept that whatever will be will be. I think that acceptance will be key if we are to have a future relationship. Of course right now I just wish he would get in touch and not leave me hanging out here worrying if he is ok!!!

TL

 

[Calamity Jane]

Yes, well said! Unfortunately, lack of trust is part of the collateral damage caused by substance abuse.

 

[Rumpole]

So even if he does well, even if he does so for a long time, I'm likely to worry and be cautious. And is that fair to him? Him working so hard, doing all the right things, doing so well and me there, always doubting, always being cautious over something he screwed up when he was a kid. In some point that will be counter-productive and make things only more difficult for him. If your mother doesn't believe on you, who does? And how can he believe on himself if no one else does?

So we are damned if we do, damned if we don't. Then again, no one did promise me that parenting would be easy and fun...

Of course, it's probably the most difficult thing of all. I think it's probably natural maternal instinct to be concerned and waiting for the shoe to drop; equally, when I know my Mum is hurt or disappointed, it makes me very sad and more tempted to want to block it all out, which naturally leads to more disappointment and hurt.... no easy answers... I suppose if it were easy it wouldn't be like it is.

R

(Edit: Things have worked themselves out with my Mum... after a very rough couple of days after she arrived in London, we're back on track and interacting in the way I'd been hoping all the time I'd been waiting to see her since I've been here... I think "waiting for the shoe to drop" seems to really be in sync with the fact that our relationship feels like a yo-yo... that's what is most difficult about it... if it were consistently awful, or consistenly good, that might be easier for both of us to deal with... it's the "things seem like they're great" followed by very difficult times that is most heart-rending)