First, let me say thank you all for having this site. I've been searching for something like this for a while. I don't know whether anybody can help me but at least I can vent in a supportive place. Second, I'd like to say that I haven't been dealing with my issue in the most constructive manner possible so I do take some blame for what is going on. I'm warning you...this is long. So as background, I have an ADHD son who is 26 and finally just moved out. My daughter is 22 and just graduated from college. Two years after my son was born, I lost a baby at 22 weeks. It devastated me and also clued me into the fact that my husband (now ex) and I did not deal with tragedy the same way. I got pregnant with my daughter a couple of years later and ended up with a high risk ob. Once we knew the pregnancy was viable, I was stitched shut (cerclage) and put on bedrest. I had a monitor that measured possible contractions twice a day, I ended up in the hospital twice, but I managed to get her to 32 weeks at which point the high risk ob said it was ok to deliver her. She was healthy and beautiful. I thought of her as a miracle. Besides losing a son at 22 weeks, I also ad 4 other early miscarriages. About the time she came along, my son was diagnosed with ADHD. Fortunately, we had an excellent interdisciplinary evaluation so had a lot of support and recommendations. We started him on medication and it made all of the difference in the world. As part of the evaluation, I was interviewed by a psychologist who determined I was at high risk for being so stressed out by the situation as to cause potential problems. From an early age, my Ex and I met with a psychologist on a regular basis to discuss my son and strategies to help him. In the meantime, my daughter was growing up to be a very creative, very stubborn, very intelligent little girl. She never had tantrums (neither child did), but she would hold her breath until she would pass out if she didn't get her way. My son was very bright as well, but he was clearly different and quirky and was having a lot of problems making friends. As they got older, daughter continued to be stubborn but was successful at everything she did. She won poetry contests, got the leads in musicals, was chosen to be valedictorian of her senior class - not based on her grades but based on her speech. Son continued to be quirky and was always on the fringes. He seemed ok with life but was usually isolated playing video games. He was extremely jealous of her and at the same time intrigued with her life to the point where he would drive her nuts wanting to hear the details of each day. As she got older, we spent a lot of time together and she would often tell me I was her best friend. The relationship seemed to be much closer than those my friends had with their daughters. Her Dad was having more and more problems relating to me and the kids. In retrospect, he probably had some asperger's, but his emotional distance was starting to bother the kids so I pursued divorce. All was going along well until Dad opted to stop mediation and push for Court. Plus, he wanted custody of the kids he couldn't even bond with. A guardian ad litem was called in who confirmed the kids wanted to be with me. I wanted him to get family counseling with the kids but the family therapist found his behavior to be very hurtful and she told me it would just be a matter of time before he became a dropout Dad. This fight went on for well over a year. The tension in the household was awful most of the time and as forecasted by the psychologist, the stress was doing me in. After the divorce, Dad found more and more reasons not to take the kids on his weekends which meant I never got a break. In my mind, it was ok because I wanted to be the best mom and I was going to make up for all of the aggravation and pain their Dad had called. But in reality, I found single parenting to be very difficult at times. My ex declared bankruptcy a year after the divorce which meant I had no settlement money coming in. I had been a stay at home Mom so my skills from my former career were no longer up to date. It took me awhile but I finally found a good job. But for a while there, I not only had the stress of being with the kids 24/7 but also having no money. I frequently felt pushed to the wall. When that happened, I would have these loud, angry outbursts that didn't last horribly long but that were pretty bad while they went on. Think of them as an adult tantrum. I went and saw a psychiatrist who decided I had mild bipolar II and began treating me. I seemed to respond well to the medication and life became peaceful again. Son eventually went off to college, leaving daughter home with me. We had what I considered to be a great relationship. We would sneak off to the grocery store in the middle of the night on weekends because one of us had a yearning for pie. We would get into my bed together and watch movies and Gilmore Girls. She would tell me all about her various boy experiences. I was careful not to judge because I always wanted to keep communications open. I had a very bad relationship with my Mom; I did not want the same with my daughter. At about the time she went off to college, my son came home and moved back in with me. It was a very difficult transition because he couldn't find a job and spent all of his time playing video games or just getting nasty because he was so frustrated with the job situation. She called me every day, sometimes twice each day. She was involved with a boyfriend from high school but the relationship was starting to disintegrate. She was just growing up faster than the boyfriend. At this time, she was happy, successful, had wonderful goals in life, seemed to still consider me her best friend and all was good. She started seeing another guy while the boyfriend was deployed (he was military). She claimed that she and the boyfriend had an open arrangement but I never quite thought he would have been happy with the situation. I wasn't excited about the new guy. He was into polyamory and was extremely opinionated. Eventually, daughter broke up with old boyfriend and became part of a polyamorous relationship. She seemed ok, but not as happy as she had been previously. What was more disturbing was that she would have what she called panic attacks when I was talking to her and said the wrong thing. She would start to scream, and cry, hyperventilating to the point where she would have to hang up on me. I tried my hardest not to pass judgment even though I really had an issue with the relationship overall and the new boyfriend. Eventually, my daughter realized she couldn't handle the polyamory, so the other girl was sent packing. The boyfriend decided he cared so much about my daughter that he would become monogamous. As time has passed, there has been more talk about marriage. I've spent more time with him and while he's still not my cup of tea, he adores my daughter and goes out of his way to make her happy. He and I talk, but there's no real connection. I don't think he would care if I completely disappeared from their lives. They are more conventional than they were but still into alternative relationships to an extent. He gave her a necklace that looks more like a dog collar than anything else. She never, ever removes it. She was always so independent, but now, she seems to want to do whatever he wants to do. He is very argumentative about most topics, arrogant and lacks certain social skills. He reminds me of my son at times because he is happiest playing video games. He is 10 years older than her but you would never suspect that if you saw them together. Basically, they have a power relationship where he supposedly calls the shots and she is happy to be submissive. This is not the person she used to be. But she claims she is happy. She just graduated college and is moving in with him. I am trying my best to accept him since it is clear that she expects they will be married within the year. But it has completely changed the dynamic between her and I. She is more resentful about the expectation she call me daily. She is extremely critical of my communication skills and my neediness. She got extremely angry about something I did (admittedly, I was wrong), but she then tried to totally cut me off. I got crazy and did and said things I regret. At one point, I told her that I had no reason to live if she was no longer going to be part of my life. When she asked me if I was suicidal, I admitted I had thought of it, so she called the EMTs and the police. It is not a pleasant experience to be dragged off to a hospital in the middle of the night and treated as if you were crazy. They even take away your bra because they are afraid you might try to hurt yourself with the underwire. The counselor and doctors agreed that I was pretty desperate to reconnect with her but that I wasn't about to hurt myself. That just made her angrier and left me with a $1500 bill that I cannot afford. I have tried to explain to her that I am emotionally fragile right now. My son has finally moved out, but due to financial issues, it looks as if I am going to follow him to his new job in another state and temporarily move back in with him. The difference is that it will be his apt. and he will be paying the bills; previously, it had been my apt and my money. The truth is that I don't want to live with him. He has never been independent but he is now ready to be and I want him to have that chance. He has also become argumentative about everything and it feels as if he thinks he can order me around. I'm not that happy with him right now, either. My daughter, however, will not allow me to stay with her and the boyfriend because he needs his alone time and wouldn't be able to handle another person in his apt. I have been devastated by the fact that she would see me on the streets before she would find a way to help me. But then, she figures her brother will help me out. We still have great heart-to-heart talks but then she'll turn on me without any notice and get really rude and disrespectful. She tells me she has been sporadically seeing a therapist who feels she needs to set her boundaries better. Apparently, she also has decided she has an eating disorder and a body image problem. Every time I try to talk to her about any of these newer topics, she has what she calls her panic attacks and again, starts screaming at me, hyperventilating, acting generally crazy but if I suggest she get some help, she gets that much crazier. We're at this impasse at the moment. She's convinced I may have borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist says that is not valid. Even if it were true, she treats me horribly half the time and like I'm the best mother in the world the other half of the time. I'm always walking on eggshells. But, if I'm having a particularly stressful day, it's cause for all sorts of accusations, ridicule and reestablishing her boundaries. So, she pushes me away, then pulls me back in. I'm missing her horribly because we used to talk so much. She still calls daily but its obvious that she frequently feels obligated and gets nasty on the phone. I don't want to cut off the contact because I feel very alone these days. Plus, when I've tried it in the past, then she gets upset. In the meantime, I've been doing some reading of my own and I think she either also has bipolar or something called hysterical personality disorder. Either way, she won't take medication and she feels her therapist knows her best. Yet, she keeps having these panic attacks for really unusual reasons but always related to me. The boyfriend seems to have some major influence over her. He has cheated on her twice that he has told her in the past 18 months. She is terribly hurt by it, but she stays with him because he has promised it will not happen again. He encourages her to build that barrier between her and I. He also has no relationship with his mother, whatsoever. I'm of the opinion that if you love somebody, you don't isolate them from their family, but you encourage them to try to figure out differences and work them out. I will be living a few hours from her when I move to join my son. The plan is to try to find a job so I can be more independent. I'd like to live a bit closer to her but she has said that I should not expect to see too much of her. It is clear that I am not welcome in the apt. even if it means that I have to pay for a hotel. I have to sit there and listen to her assert her independence in a rather uncaring way. But if I try to discuss other options, she will have another horrible panic attack. Tonight, while she was driving home from work, we were talking. She was making it very clear that she was going to manage her own wedding plans. I was really hurt that she wouldn't even consider including me, even if I promised not to try to give her advice. Somehow, that triggered another panic attack and I was scared to death she was going to have a car accident. She got home but I was instructed not to ask her any more questions about how she was going to plan her wedding. She would decide at some point whether she wanted me involved or not. But whatever she decided, a gag order would be placed on me. She doesn't even want to hear my ideas. I am extremely worried because I see our relationship disintegrating and I do not know why. Instead of being sympathetic about my stress leading me to act a bit irrationally, she gets really angry about it. Things I say in passing trigger these horrible panic attacks in her. And then there is the boyfriend who is making it difficult to have a healthy relationship with her. He gives her his thoughts on how to handle the relationship and she just goes along with him. I worry that he will eventually be unfaithful again - maybe not immediately but at some point. I have gently suggested they have a longer engagement just to make sure they're both sure and she gets very angry with me. I am so scared of losing what little we have left so I just bite my tongue. I'm worried about her mental health. I'm worried about this relationship and how having this guy living with her, eventually marrying her will potentially influence her to cut me off. I'm worried about the emergence of all of these new insights - her eating disorders, for example. And I get very concerned when she has her panic attacks. I tolerate them, but at the same time, I find her behavior abusive. Her excuse is that she cannot control them. Yet, when I get needy and tearful, there is no acceptance that it might be beyond my ability to turn off my feelings. I thought she was more mature than she has been acting. But she is enjoying playing grown-up. All of a sudden, she wants to take charge of her own health insurance. She has my car (long story) and will give it back but it is clear that she won't give it up easily. She works until 10 at night, then feels she has to come home and make a gourmet dinner for the boyfriend. When I asked if he ever helped with dinner, I got jumped on. She wants me when she wants me, but the rest of the time, she makes me feel as if I'm imposing on her life. I don't want to lose her but I feel as if it is happening and I cannot control it. My son is not a fan of the boyfriend either. But he has grown closer to his sister simply because they are finding my erratic moods to be annoying and destructive. They don't seem to realize that I am dealing with an illness not to mention extreme anxiety at the prospect of being alone with no financial resources at all. So, it all feels as if it is them vs. me. If I try to talk to her, she screams and hyperventilates. If I try to talk to him (son), I get a lecture on everything I do wrong. I broke down during her graduation weekend because I felt so trapped. I do not want to live with my son, given his behavior, but she won't make room for me so I have no options and no money to live independently. I thought she'd show some sympathy for my situation and at least offer to talk to the boyfriend about taking me in on a temporary basis, but she won't even go that far. She was my miracle baby...I just want her back. She keeps reminding me that she is not a baby any more. But she certainly is not as grown up as she thinks she is either. I am so scared that marrying this guy is going to mean the end of my relationship with her, but more than that, she is going to end up miserable. I just want her to stop having these panic attacks. When I apologize for whatever I did to trigger it, she starts screaming that it is not about me and to stop trying to make it about me. How does apologizing translate to that? I'm just so confused and hurt and depressed about all of this. Sorry for the length. I just haven't had anybody I can share this with. Suffice to say, I am taking my medications. But I've turned into a door mat just to prevent any alienation. I'm afraid of my son because now that he is calling the shots, he has been acting differently - not abusive, but not respectful either. I have nobody else. I have no money left because I spent it all trying to take care of them and helping them as much as I could through college. I am so proud of them. He finally found his niche, became board certified to work with autistic kids. She has a scholarship to go to grad school at a very prestigious University. Some days, I feel like I did a good job as a mother. They have good work ethics. They are generally kind people. But some days, I look at them and wonder why they think it is ok to deal with me the way they do and I wonder how I could have screwed that up so much. It's probably worth noting that my daughter has not talked to her Dad in well over 10 years. My son sees him occasionally for a quick dinner, but that will end now that he is living out of state. I want a healthy relationship with both of my kids. But, primarily, I want my daughter to stop having these panic attacks. Some days, I'm not even sure they're real. They feel manipulative, but then I feel guilty for even thinking that way. But again, they don't seem to be terribly understanding about my mood disorder issues. I keep wondering what I did wrong to make them so insensitive to me.