To tell or not

[Copabanana]

They hinted at the need for a favor in the not too distant future.

Yuck.

The reason might be that they were trying to show that they have done something on our behalf in the past and wanted "credit" for it

Double yuck.

What is this? An undercover spy operation?

I will tell you what I would do. The next time (if there is one) anything more of this nature and feel I would say this:
I would not feel comfortable with that.

 

[Nomad]

LOLOL!

I was speechless. My husband immediately thanked them. And normally, I definitely would. And I managed to do so later. But, when the favor came so closely tied with this out of context revelation, I was GOBSMACKED.
This favor/revelation came from the hubby, who doesn't seem to have a "handle" on what its like to have a Difficult Child. The wife, my good friend, does. She was unusually quiet. WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD
We didn't respond to them with reference to the favor they were hinting at. I may call later though...they are actually very good people. this was just weird.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm just getting caught up on some threads. I agree with everyone to say nothing. Your daughter shared something with in confidence and that is where it should stay.
Personally, I think this young woman's mother must have blinders on to think her daughter is honoring the no overnighters rule.
I've been there! Hubby and I purchased a rental house for our son to live in while he got his life together (never happened) and I had talks with him about sex. I was not naïve enough to think he would not engage in it but I was naïve enough when he told me that he knew how to be responsible and would always use a condom. This is how I became a grandparent
Yup, he was not truthful in what he told me. I learned from ex daughter in law that my son vowed he would never wear a condom because "real men" don't

 

[pasajes4]

UNCOMFORTABLE.....I hate knowing stuff about other people's business and then run into them. I am pretty sure I give off a weird vibe.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Thinking of you today, Nomad.

Maybe this is one of the times where we should not write the end of the story. The trust between yourselves and this couple has begun to unravel. But it may (and probably will) turn out to be a misstep, and not an intentional insult. From your last post, it seems that the woman understood her husband to have crossed a line, and was uncomfortable with it. My D H does things like that, too. Just says what he believes needs to be said and picks up the pieces later.

Maybe the woman's husband doesn't see his own offense?

But I am thinking he got an earful about that very thing, the second his wife had him in private.



That's how it works at my house.

Cedar

 

[BusynMember]

Cedar...funny. how many times do wives have to chew out our mates in private??? Ok, don't HAVE to but do.

 

[BusynMember]

Tanya, I'm late but a sad lol to "real men don't wear condoms."

 

[Copabanana]

My D H does things like that, too. Just says what he believes needs to be said and picks up the pieces later.

I agree with Cedar, Nomad. This was one episode and one event and one sentence. Just that. And unfortunately, the wife and husband may be on different tracks, with respect to their style.

What follows is about me, and only me: I cannot stand obligation where I have to do something or feel something because of some sort of harness of obligation. I will do something because I want to and if it is consistent with who and what I am and want. Not because of some obligation...especially based upon somebody elses moral code and sense of utility or fairness, or lack of same.

And I would respond just exactly as you did. I would have a strange metallic taste in my mouth, and a fishy odor--like a can of sardines.

While I picture Cedar's D H as direct, even blunt, I cannot imagine that he would pressure somebody, or gossip. I see him in my mind's eye as a man's man.

Somebody who would stay silent, keeping a secret, while watching.

And acting alone if it needed to be done, taking full responsibility and never once, permitting that somebody else be compromised by something he saw as his own choice, his responsibility to do or not do.

That is the difference.

 

[Nomad]

I'm rushing...but, yes, that was sad to read the comment about the condoms. It is SUCH a Difficult Child "thing" UGH


Gosh, I appreciate the camaraderie and empathy about this thing with my friends and what they did. I'm trying to let it go. I've had some odd experiences with them before and I'm almost certain the great majority of it comes from the husband in one way or another. Just doesn't "get" it or something. I don't know. This was weirder than usual.

 

[Copabanana]

Just doesn't "get" it or something.

I would be careful about making excuses for him, Nomad. It could be he "gets" it all too well, and that is the point, he actually and intentionally wanted to make.

Something a cigar is just a cigar. He may well have wanted to compromise you--intentionally. And because you are both strong, and astute, in your mind's eye you called him on it.

I will stop this, now, exaggerating for my own purposes what could have been harmless (but I think not.) What I write below does not pertain to this man or to this episode.

But. This is exactly how predators operate. They lurk in the margins, in what is at once acceptable and not. They attempt to confuse, and within that confusion, secure consent. And that is how we become compromised.

You, were not. Because you called it. I would bet that he saw it in your eyes, Nomad. That you saw it.

And then, you went farther, you confirmed it. Not because of him, but for yourself.

You know where I work. Prison. Uh oh. I have to go back on Tuesday.

Now, typically I have a good relationship with prisoners...within the role that is mine to play. And one reason I do is because I am clear. Within myself and with them. At least as clear as I know to be, because I always believe I can learn more, and be clearer.

Prisoners operate with staff in that same nether world. Between acceptable and not. That is the way they play. Not everybody, mind you, but many.

That is how they compromise staff into doing favors, small and large, into sexual relationships, etc. Into illegality. Because any relationship except that which is necessary in your job is forbidden. But even little stuff--that other staff may do--I refuse. Paper clips. Paper. Envelopes. All of it, I refuse. Because I want clarity.

I learned early on to say "no" to everything. I can't. I won't. I will not. No, with a smile is still a no.

I respect you Nomad, for taking the time to get clarity within yourself about what you saw. There was a time I did not have the courage to do this. I do now.