today

[AmericanGirl]

just checking in. i feel awful. shaky. my brain races and slows for no reason. i finally slept, but not well.

i know difficult child hasn't tried to call me so i think he won't come here. he has gotten what he wants - revenge on me and likely cash from bio dad. but i am staying in today. besides, i don't trust myself driving.

i just cannot believe that after everything, this is where we are. i know the rehabs, etc. have dropped the tools he needs inside his brain when he chooses to use them. friends who have seen him lately describe him as jumpy, eye darting, no focus, talking fast, pushy....we suspect it is pain pills interacting with his adhd. who knows? he know, deep in his heart, the truth. he remembers bio dad. he remembers his gmother. but he doesn't care right now. he wants what he wants.

my mind runs towards sending people who knew bio dad well to difficult child to relay their first hand knowledge. but that will fail. i have to find a way to stop those thoughts in my head. i am surprised bio dad only stayed a few hours and didn't take difficult child back with him. however, difficult child doesn't want to live under anyone's rules. he is having trouble with his 24 yr old roommate's rules.

anyhow, posting clears a bit of my head and i am thankful for that.

 

[AmericanGirl]

PS to those of you I've known a while here, if you feel comfortable talking on the phone, please pm me. I can give you my number if you prefer. My friends sort of understand but not like you do. I'm just scared of the dark moments and need to find some life lines. Thanks!

 

[Signorina]

Oh honey, I know that feeling well. In all honesty, the only way I could cope was long showers,comfy clothes, easy to digest meals,( I lived on soup) a Tylenol pm, and playing scrabble on my phone until I finally fell asleep. I know it wasn't a healthy way to cope but I would literally be sitting at the dinner table w my family and feeling like I was going to jump out if my skin by 6:30 pm. When the plates were finally clear, I would leap up and take a shower and try to settle my racing mind before it kept me up all night.

I wish I could speak to you but I am in the car on a road trip to grandmas with the kids. Please know I am thinking of you and holding your hand from afar. Try to do something that occupies your mind, it helps keep the panic at bay.Scrabble worked for me.

Some of what you described could be a fight or flee response from difficult child. When my difficult child scared the heck out of us with his pacing, dilated pupils & a sense of "electricity" radiating from him - I was sure it was some scary drug. I've since learned it may have been an adrenalin accelerated - fight/flee response- tho I'll never know for sure. My difficult child was COMPLETELY out of options, not unlike your difficult child, just a thought.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Hi American Girl,
I am sorry your difficult child is trying to control your life still. What about a restraining order that he cannot come near your property, call you, text you, email you, etc.?
I'm no expert, but it sounds like you have PTSD from all that difficult child has been pulling on you. All the things he has been saying or threatening is basically psychological abuse on you. I went through a lot of difficult child trying to control my life through psychological abuse. He had me to the point I would "hide" in my bedroom. He wound up having the whole house while I was staying in my room with the door and windows locked, blinds drawn. Finally, an opening in residential had come along and he was court ordered there. Stay strong & hugs to you.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Sig and Flower,

Thank you for responding. I feel better just knowing you felt similar although I'd never wish it on you.

i agree that difficult child's verbal/emotional abuse has taken its toll.

Flower, difficult child's bio dad had me in the same place. After I divorced him, it felt foreign to sit in my own living room because I had been hiding in my bedroom or bath for many years.

my al-anon sponsor has moved two hours away but was in town today. I had lunch w him and my 'local' sponsor. The three of us carry one another. Then I spent the afternoon w my local sponsor.

i shared w them I was having suicidal thoughts but won't do anything until I insure difficult child cannot inherit anything to use to destroy himself. It scares me to be inside my head right now.

i see a new therapist tomorrow afternoon. I have a list of people to call tonight and my home group meets tomorrow.

i know my son is only using bio dad, grandmother, etc because I refuse to allow him to use me anymore. My rational mind tells me that since both of them are users too, that this will crash and burn before along and difficult child will come back to me even more broken.

i shared a lot of difficult child's history with both sponsors today. We all believe difficult child would likely be diagnosed as sociopathic. It's things like holding a lighter under a grasshopper, being cruel to our dogs to hurt me, lying about an imaginary child, blaming everyone, always having new friends and old ones disappear, etc....but mainly almost never acknowledging doing anything wrong nor taking responsibility for how he has hurt me.

this isn't substance abuse. It is mental illness.

so, I'm going to take it a moment at a time. Take care of me, I.e., now isn't the time to push myself, to diet, etc. I am going to check in with friends often.

my heart is broken. I adore my son and want him healthy. But, right now, I can do nothing but stay away. He is sick and can be harmful.

*i pray that he will open his heart and see things clearly.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

My heart is with you AG!!!!! You pretty much described my difficult child, too, with the exception of harming animals...

I think with the cycle of friends - they find friends that are "normal" and those people get pretty sick of our difficult child's koi. I mean, would we even put up with it if they weren't our children? Absolutely not. And then they find the difficult children. Well, difficult children are only out for themselves - that doesn't exactly make a lasting friendship...

I found out from the courts while I was there that only ONE person, besides the free lawyer, has gone to see my difficult child. And that ONE person went to talk to her and report back to her baby daddy...I want to ask her where are the friends now???