Today's Shocker (long)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tiapet, Mar 26, 2008.

  1. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    So this morning Ms Queen tells me Ms Emo has pills in her room and a lighter and oh yeah cigarettes! I asked how she knew this. She said yesterday when she had her helping her take pictures (which is a common occurance where big sis has little sis take the pics with digital since little one has a knack for it) she saw them. I said ok. Thank you for tell me and of course asked a few more probing details to get specifics. Ms Queen is always willing to volunteer information to get others in trouble to big with and she is the one who steals from everyone, specifically big sis's room, so she knows it in detail.

    I was shocked and a little heartbroken at first. Ms Emo is highly against cigarettes and always on my case for smoking and has been for years. The pills concerned me because of the knowledge of her previous attempt of months ago. So I knew I was going to retrieve said items and then do the questioning/conversation this afternoon when Ms Emo got home from school because she gets home an hour before little ones. So did go and get items and they were exactly where Ms Queen said they were after little ones headed off to school (oldest goes to school an hour before them in morning, hence why she told me after she went to school).

    So I began and told her I was really disappointed and upset with her, especially since she was trying to earn my trust and waiting for an answer regarding her boyfriend to come spend some time over summer. He'd have his own room in guest bedroom and there will always be someone here. I know not ideal but, not to justify my decision I really knew it wasn't too big of issue on trust, more of forcing her to work a little harder on her language and some attitude work (incentive). Plus I know her well enough to know that while most people might not make such a choice, I can make this choice safely with her.

    She admitted it right away (recall we have a pretty open relationship and she talks to me). She said it helps calm her down and she doesn't do it much. The cigarettes she had were mine (she had stolen from me - which was another issue as she has NEVER stolen anything ever). The reason she took them from me is that she couldn't get them any other way (reasonable reason). She said she did that instead of cutting and it helps! After the fact she said she has also read that smoking calms people that are stressed and she has read that bipolar people smoke often too to calm/level off. Recall me also saying how she's been going head first into researching psychology/mental illness now. All reasonable explanations and realistic coming from an intelligent girl. Not excuseable by any means.

    I said to her, can you now think of how hard it is for me trying to think about my decision and trust (and I laid out a lot of issues to think about regarding different trust with boyfriend and over all in general) and even some you as a teen can't think of but I as a parent can think of "but will not state because I don't even want to give you a heads up to think about in case you haven't come up with them already" and you go and do this?

    What she didn't know is I really had made up my mind about the summer already knowing her and knowing she is and would work very hard on her language and attitude and that she is and has asked for more help in the form of therapy too. All positive steps forward.

    So she says so what are you going to do about it? I said well I'm really disappointed and hurt with you as you know because you are on me so bad and make me feel so bad for smoking and I really really wish you wouldn't be smoking either because it's so hard to stop and you see me struggling to do so but I do know you and that I don't think you will continue after this. As for the pills, we've discussed that issue as well and you don't have access to them anymore and don't feel like you did then and have asked for help on that (plus that incident was months ago - I counted pills so they were exactly as they should be, just another bottle I thought was around but then thought also were just used up). All pills are now locked up too. They really should have been to begin with just in case not only for her sake but also because it's just they way it should be since there are so many in this house between us all.

    I said what have I done in the past when you've gotten into trouble or broken a trust like this (always something small and it's been perhaps 2-3 times)? I basically do the unexpected to what most other parents would do. I said why is that? She said I don't know. I said to her well you go around telling me your not normal right? Well since you are not normal (which she is not the average child between intelligence and issues) I can not treat you normally. What if I gave you such and such consequence (what the average parent would have done in my place), would you do it again or would you learn? NO she says. That's right you wouldn't so I did such and such. And did you learn and not do it again? Yes! :)

    I told her I plant a seed in your mind and it stays there and grows and then you think about it (which is exactly what happens and she thinks about it over and over and depending on what it is months down the line comes back and talks about it or something related to it to me). In this case I have told you how I feel and I know you are going to take it to heart and think about it very strongly. I know you really don't want to smoke and I know how badly you want boyfriend to come for the summer. I know you are trying. Also you have to realize that there are more risks for you smoking now. You are on birth control which has a risk of blood clotting to begin with, smoking has that risk too and lastly, you also have an additional risk of blood clotting because of the gene I gave you with my problem. OOOOOH!:sweating:

    She will definitely think about it more and she said I'm stopping now and will not do it anymore, ever! Now, you may all think perhaps I went easy on her. And in reality I did but really what can I do? Let me just tell you all this, psychologically this will play on her and make her feel bad about the trust factor but more importantly I know a little secret she does not know...

    Over the weekend I secertly contacted her boyfriend and invited him to spend spring break here for the week (since hers and his matched) and she doesn't know it. He arrives tomorrow night! Shhhhhhhhhh:irock:

    Now on top of this I told her her Grandmother suddenly decided to come down and spend a week and the house needed to be cleaned, Grandma clean (which means really well). She knows I am not doing well and absolutely can not do much of anything and it needs it bad. She is NOT happy about Grandma coming (never is for a bunch of reasons I'm not going into, nor would I be truthfully at the moment). So she is really unhappy on top of it all now that she is going to have to spend her spring break miserable. However, she is actually cleaning the house (yeah for me!) perhaps semi because of her guilt (although as I've said before she will help - this is just asking a lot).

    So geee......won't she be ummm, what's the word for it? When tomorrow night she is in the airport terminal "retrieving Grandma" from the baggage department to bring her out to the car (oh that sounds bad doesn't it? :redface:) when Grandma doesn't appear but her boyfriend does!!! :laughing:

    The way the airline is set up both Grandma and boyfriend would come in from the same endpoint destination airport so she won't figure it out and boyfriend knows to look for her as she won't be looking for him but Grandma.

    I can not wait, can NOT WAIT for tomorrow night! I only wish I could be in the terminal to see it too. I am opting to wait outside in car so they can share a moment of alone time. Maybe I'm too nice in doing that but thought it just might be awkward (for them and for me).
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    You are a cool mom......hope she appreciates it! Have a great week.
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm with you -- I wouldn't want to see that kiss, either. rofl

    I think you did a good job with your daughter. Every child has different impetus to do or not do things. If she's not addicted to cigarettes, it shouldn't be a problem. I do hope you're making her pay for a pack of cigarettes for those she took.
  4. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I KNOW she will appreciate this without a doubt in mind and be shocked beyond shocked. I did this as a test for the summer. My thought was let's see how a week goes before a whole summer time. What came up now was just prime and couldn't have been found out at a better time for a good hard learning lesson and a way to make her take a step back and think long and hard about what she has going on not only in her own life but with her relationship with me. I think it's going to show her trust in a pure form?? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

    As for her paying me back, she did not smoke the whole pack of cigarettes at all. She would pay me back whole heartedly via chores with out one word. Just like today with doing all the work. I am proud of her and know that she will make the right choices and even when she makes the wrong ones occasionally, she does learn from her mistakes. She just has to learn from them in a different way then most. I probably shouldn't use the words not normal (although those are her words not mine anyway), she is just different.

    This, the difficult child I came to the board about back so many years ago at the the tender age of 6 who was placed inpatient for homicidal/suicidal tendencies and no one knew what to do with. We've come a long way baby! :) There is hope out there for ya'll!!!
  5. VickiL

    VickiL New Member

    You so rock!! And only you know your daughter...I think what you did was just right and very well thought out. I can't believe I've been on the board almost 10 years, but she was 8 or so when I started. She has come a long way!!

    I can't wait to hear how it goes tomorrow night:):)
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    You know what works best with your daughter. And it is like you said, these are really her decisions to make anyway. You're using guidance. And if that works, then heck yeah! :redface:

    You're a good Mom. Someday that's gonna hit her like a ton of bricks. And she's gonna wonder if she can measure up. And I think she will just fine.

    I used to let easy child's first boyfriend come to visit and stay over the weekends. He lived quite a distance away and it was the only way they could see each other. He slept downstairs on the sofa. easy child slept in her room, door locked, across the hall from mine with door open and Mom sleeping light as a feather. Worked out fine. Never any trouble. But then again, they were more supervised during those visits than they would've been with normal dating. lol

    difficult child has certainly come a long long way. Wow!!