Hi. It took me great courage to start the thread since I am not the native English speaking person. I have found this site and has been giving me and my husband some courage and comfort so here I am. I hope whoever reads this bear with me, please. We told our Difficult Child not come home for holidays about a week ago. She was furious when we told her (she sent an angry email to my husband) and blocked me for every possible communication with her. We knew she was looking forward to coming home especially for the new year cerebration with special food she loves but we just had to for her to know what's been going on with her even though it's most likely she won't get our message that is what we think is best for her at the moment. Our difficult child has been very difficult since day one. She was a demanding child but really smart. She never accepted our or anyone's help but when she needed help, she had to get it. If she didn't, she just burst and fussed until she threw up. We always knew she had something but it was never an issue since she did so well at school and outside the house. She had some social issues especially with kids at her age but preferred to stay alone so it was never a big problem. She started telling us how different she was from the rest of the kids but she was always proud of herself being so good and different in a fabulous way. Her being bossy and me first attitudes were the problem wherever she went. When she grew a bit older, she learned it's better to be quiet so she didn't stand out much. But that gave her so much stress so I became her punching bag. My husband and I thought she was in AS spectrum and ADHD. She has been showing Borderline (BPD) traits. She was always self centered and showed no empathy for others. During high school years she became really verbal and did things we didn't understand. We tried to have a discussion, explaining why that was not accepting but she just got angry that we tried to fit her into the person we expected who is "normal" in the society. We have a lot of episodes of her actions like calling a police for me being a child abuser after telling her that I could give her no money for her outings, my mother(her grandma) a child molester because she tapped her shoulder out of love with smiles, etc. etc... We were worried about sending her to college in the US because she was terrible in the summer just before she took off, running away from home, staying with some guys who she met in the internet site, drinking underage, swearing at us whenever we spoke to her... We finally told her that we could not support her college tuition then she begged and begged, cried and cried and said that she needed to go to school in the US, her dream school, the ivy in the east coast, to pursuit her dream. Well, it was too much to take it away from her so we gave her some conditions, rules to follow to be a responsible family member and a child who is being supported by parents like contacting us occasionally to let us know how she is, reporting us when she goes out of town, giving us some idea of money spending... simple, expecting tasks. It has been three years and she only followed our promise in the first month. Very disappointing. To make the long story short, she started feeling depressed and has been going to the health service on campus. We were worried. There she got anti depressant, two different medications. In March, she had a suicidal episode so I flew there right away. The therapist/doctor there did not see me because she is an adult. They just told me difficult child does not want me to see them so I got no information. I brought all the goodies from home, some letters from family friends and gifts to her, she told me "why did you come? you shouldn't have." She came home in May, she got manic throwing kitchen knives around to threaten to kill herself if we keep telling her to go see other doctors or seek different treatments. She was out drinking and was out almost the whole time she was here. She had a summer intern in the US so she only stayed for two weeks. We had to physically fight her to keep her stay at home. We dragged her to the doctor here. We saw and consulted this doctor before she came home. Because she didn't want to see him, he screamed at him how much she hated being with him and us. She threw her patient card to the receptionist when she was done. Well, this doctor saw the whole thing and he thinks she's on the wrong medications. Worried mother, me, went to visit her in NYC to see her in August. She was functioning okay so she was doing great for her two summer jobs, a research assistant in the science department on campus and an actor on stage in NYC on weekends. I was looking forward to seeing the show she was in but on the day I arrived, she turned herself in ER and I lost her. I was staying in the hotel room waiting for her to call. The hospital called me and told me to come right away. So my 3 day summer fun stay in NYC ended up in two different ER in NYC. They would not release her who was on the suicidal watch unless I extend my stay until she goes back to campus. I lied and finally she released her. For the whole time she was in the hospital, she clingy to me to let her out because she felt fine after a couple of hours. She didn't need to go there in the first place, really. I didn't tell her, though. She spent my last day with me in the hotel. Next morning I was so tired and feeling sick from tiredness. She wanted to go shopping with me and eat something fancy. I told her I couldn't. Then she told me "Oh, then why did you come? You should have not come here. Go home." After this scary experience in NYC, I was hoping she'd learn to face her problems but I guess not. She never contacted us ignoring our email checking on her. Then we found out she has been spending a lot of money on the credit cards (a family card) which is only for the emergency purpose. We also found out she went to ER twice since she moved back on campus. She is seeing the same person and on the same medications, plus her abusive credit card use (600 for sep, 700 for oct.) also saw hard liquor bottles on her shelf and said they are hers. Last week, since we got no report from her about her credit card statement, we went her email to tell her not to come home for the break because we can't take care of her manic behaviors like she had in May. After sending this email to her, I was still hoping she would get back to us right away begging us to change our mind because she would seek help besides the health service on campus but she has been quiet. We also told her we could no longer support her financially except her tuition. She has work study, TA so she should be okay. What did she use the cc for? She never told us so we don't know. We really wish she would "wake up" and face the reality. We know she is failing in her classes at the end of last year. We thought about stop paying the tuition so that she would be forced to come home but I doubt she would. She would escape from us for sure. She is a charming person with intelligence and could make a living anywhere she goes. I don't know where this will lead us to. Maybe she will never come home. What if that's the case... I am scared but I still have to live my own life. I keep telling myself I have to get used to this new living style. But whenever I think of our next Christmas and new years without our difficult child, it makes my eyes teary... Thank you for listening.