Took difficult child's car away for good

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy, May 22, 2009.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child was out all day yesterday and didn't come home until 12:30am. She was late for school today and cut several classes. She got a detention and said she is not serving it. There are three days of school left next week and then she is finished. She will not be allowed to walk at graduation if she doesn't serve the detention.

    To make matters worse she didn't come home after school today either and when I called and asked if she was coming home today she said she didn't know. Well we went looking for her and by the time we got back she was here. I went through her car and found a half filled bottle of alcohol. I drove the car to my sister's house and husband told difficult child the car was gone.

    So I'm sure she will not go to school her last week and I don't really care anymore. They have to graduate her and that's all I want, but she is cheating us out of seeing her graduate.

    I can't believe how much better I feel knowing the car is gone. I don't care where she goes or with whom anymore but at least she isn't driving around impaired on alcohol or drugs in a car titled to husband and she no longer is a threat on the road. She has $18 to her name, got fired from her job, and has no plans for after graduation.

  2. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm sorry about the drama/trauma.
    So good to hear that you said you felt good about your decision.
    No good can come out of a difficult child driving and drinking.
    Taking the car away serves a multitude of good it seems.
    Put one foot in front of the other...let it lead you forward my friend.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Nancy}}} I can understand why you feel good about taking the car away... she's way out of control. I'd consider selling the car and using the $$$ for you and husband to take a vacation. You both have earned it.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Smart idea. At least now she can't hurt an innocent person out on the road. :angrydude:
  5. recovering doormat

    recovering doormat Lapsed CDer

    good for you for thinking ahead and taking the car you don't have that layer of stress to deal with .

    As far as her throwing a hissy fit and deciding to punish you all by not attending school/doing the detention, even though it hurts, let it roll of your back. My kids pull this kind of drama on me all the time and I'm exhausted from falling for it. since I've started letting them experience natural consequences for their behavior, they are starting to respect me more as a mother.

    I agree with the post before me, sell the car and take a really nice vacay with hubby! You do deserve it.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Good choice. Sorry you had to make it.

    Might I suggest one more thing? I would absolutely make sure that all car keys and house keys and locked and put away. She will not take kindly to loosing her wheels......and any wheels will be appealing.

    Hugs. DDD
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry she is pulling this carp. She will so regret this down the road. Not only is she cheating you out of seeing her walk but she is cheating herself and one day she will look back and really kick herself because of it.

    Cory's girlfriend graduates on Tuesday and he is absolutely livid with himself for not graduating...but he knows it is his own darn fault.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ugh! You did good with taking the car away. Why do these kids continue to ruin the good things in their lives! Ugh!

    I am sorry she is not able to appreciate the gifts she has been given. Mostly, her parents. Ugh!
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Good for You!! I am sorry you needed to do this, but it sounds necessary. My bff from childhood has one bro. NOT a difficult child in ANY way. The month after he got his license he was driving to the store for something for his mom. It was dark. 3 young men rode their bicycles right in front of him. He was unable to miss one of them. The boy on the bike died and it has haunted the bro for over 20 years now. And the bro was totally not at fault according to the police. They said it was a miracle he managed to hit only one instead of all three.

    Your difficult child has enough to go through, she doesn't need that added on to it.

    I DO think locking up ALL keys, and putting steering wheel locks on the cars is a good idea. Chances are she WILL retaliate.

    I know this was HARD. Sending hugs and support to help you through this.
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I thought of that DDD. I have all the car keys including spares locked up. I also took the house key off her key ring, which by the way now has nothing on it excpet a couple of trinkets. The car is going to be moved to a location where she will never find it.

  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Good for you! I never got my kids cars, any of them. They bought their own. When my daughter cracked up her last car, she had no money for another one, and we'd always made her pay her own gas and insurance anyway. She walked a lot. It didn't hurt her one bit. WHen she left home and lived with her brother, he insisted she work full time (and she knew he meant it) so she got a full time job at Subway, walked a few blocks back and forth, and didn't go out at night for a loooooooooooong time. It actually was a very good thing for her.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhh, I'm so sorry, Nancy.
    You are thinking clearly and making good decisions, though. And you will stand firm.
    It will take her awhile to mature, but she'll get there. You've got to have hope.
  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry you had to make this tough but correct decision. Hugs.
  14. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Nancy, Im so sorry. My difficult child is just starting to drive has her permit now. It is always a scary thing, and then when they abuse it, its worse.
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Oh Nancy i'm sorry i'm late to this and i'm sorry you are going through this. the teenage years can be so so hard. you totally did the right thing, yet doing the right thing isn't always easy.

    Good job Mom!!!! :)
  16. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    Well this bites. I was hoping she would pull it together. She did so well not too long ago. At least she is going to have a diploma. I know it hurts you won't get to see her graduate.

    What are your plans for after school is over? Is she going to continue living with you?

    I completely agree with taking the car. THat's the last thing she needs if she is drinking.

    Is she still in counseling or taking medications at all? Someday she will see what an idiot she is now. It may not be any time soon but usually they wake up at some point. I hope it is sooner than later.


  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Try to not be upset by the disappointment of not seeing her get presented with her diploma. I know it is a much bigger thing for you over in the US, it's getting bigger over here in Australia, but the most important thing is earning that piece of paper.

    I remember in my final year of high school, our grade was involved in some fairly standard hi-jinks (nothing inappropriate) and our reactionary principal threatened us with "you won't have your graduation ceremony" (what passed for it back then). We were very angry with him, we felt he didn't have the right to do this. But we accepted it because for us, the piece of paper was more important. So the principal upped the ante - he was threatening to withhold our diplomas (which he had no right to do).

    But we were prepared to accept the "no graduation ceremony" if we had to, because it wasn't important to us. The qualification was much more important. And frankly, by that stage we were so thoroughly over the school and especially that principal.

    End result - we got our graduation ceremony AND our class presentation. I tihnk someone made the principal see reason, plus he realised we were prepared to accept it and it called his bluff.

    The thing is - what kids want and are content with, is not always what parents want. But this is now about HER life andewhat she is choosing. Some of her choices are wrong, but she has to live with the outcomes of those choices.

    Think of it this way - she is sparingyou the expense of a gown, of the photos, of all the rip-off merchandising that goes on around graduation, that I think costs families far too much. Why not instead (if she behaves herself) have a family celebration dinner for her, or maybe a picnic somewhere, where you can dress up and go to dinner and she can have her photo taken with you all, in the restaurant, with her diploma?

    My sister in law was an exchange student in the US for a year, she graduated with her US high school class. I remember the paperwork that surrounded it all (it was just after husband & I married) and I also remember the professional-looking photos that were posted back. She looked lovely - but to me, it didn't seem real, because for us it's not a "real" graduation - cap, gown, the whole bit - unless it's a university degree.

    We did go to her uni graduation four years later and it seemed real to us, although it probably was much more low-key than her US high school graduation had been.

    It's a matter of expectations - yours, or hers. And outcomes - yours, or hers.

    Hang in there, try to help her keep it all in perspective. And nose to the grindstone. because after high school comes the big wide world, and - GET A JOB! Or get occupied productively in some capacity somewhere, even if it's as a volunteer. Or do a course.

    Good luck with this one, she sounds like she needs a leash with a check chain.

  18. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    Sorry the school year is ending this way. :sad-very: I know how much it must hurt. But I agree with all who are applauding you for doing the right thing.

    My difficult child will be eligible for his learner's permit in 6 months, and I told him that until he starts demonstrating good judgment (and showing respect), there is no way I'm handing him my car keys and turning him loose with two tons of sheet metal. Too much is at stake.

  19. Penta

    Penta New Member

    Very smart idea on your part. Driving is a privilege, not a right and my belief is that a young person should earn the money to buy his/her own car. It sounds like your daughter is about to hit bottom....maybe then she will be able to see the light.
  20. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you and husband are doing the right thing...hoping your difficult child wakes up soon and does the right thing too...serving the detention and going throught the graduation ceremony.

    Hugs and love,