Tough Visit Today

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Not So Sunny California, Dec 30, 2007.

  1. We had a visit with our difficult child today which was suppose to be three hours, and we left after half hour. My difficult child got very mad, slammed his fist in the wall, dropped the F-bomb several times. He is begging us, pleading, threatening, not to go to Residential Treatment Facility (RTF). He is begging his siblings to convice us not to send him. He's been away only four weeks and swears he'll change. I know that's impossible, but it is breaking me to pieces to hear him like that. And now the realization that we will need a transport team. Can't stop crying.....
  2. Janna

    Janna New Member

    Not So,

    Coming from someone that has had her son in an Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) since August, let me tell you, that your child won't change because he promises to. He can't make it with you 60 minutes.

    It has taken my son 4 months to show true colors, and even now, he's only showing minimal issues. Their program is a 10-12 month program for a reason.

    I know it rips your heart out to put your child in an Residential Treatment Facility (RTF). I took Dylan back on Wednesday, after a long 6 day theraputic leave, and cried the whole way home. Came in the door, walked up to his room, laid in his bed, and cried for hours to follow.

    But, in the end, he needs this. He needs the help. I'm praying this is going to make him a better man.

    And that's what you need to hope for, too.

    Sending gentle hugs and positive vibes your way.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Even under the best of circumstances "visits" are not warm and fuzzy. It just doesn't feel natural to "visit" your child, does
    it? When things go poorly and you have a child who needs a more
    intense placement for a longer period of time it is normal to fall apart at the soon as you are out of view, preferably.

    Scream, yell, sob and cry into your pillow or in your car. It is
    good to release some of the pent up emotions. Just try to keep
    your parental stature in front of all three of your teens. "We are all sorry that difficult child is not coming home right away but as the parent I have to do what I believe is right for each of you. Say
    a prayer for your brother and focus on making good choices in your own life."

    Something like that. Try to avoid being sucked in by his effort
    to do an adolescent sibling "let's gang up on Mom" trick. I only
    have two boys left but I have had as many as six teens at once.
    Just like the leader of a dog have to make sure they
    know that you are in control. Sending cyber hugs. DDD
  4. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    Oh no!!! I just want to say, very loudly, stay firm with what you know is right for your difficult child! I know how hard it is but giving in to his demands will not be doing him any favors.

    I'm sorry your visit didn't go well and it certainly doesn't sound like he's changed at all. Really, I would think that if any change has truly happened, he would have been able to hold it together for a three hour visit.

    Sending lots of (((hugs))) and cyber-strength. Stay strong!!! :warrior:
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm sorry this is so hard on you and I truly understand the pain. It tore me into a million pieces when I had to escort my daughter to her Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Every visit was sheer agony. Separating time and again was wrong and hurt!

    Now, a couple of suggestions. Don't tell him when the transport will happen. Odds are he will try to run shortly before it happens. Since he knows the plan is an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), he may try to run anyway so be sure he is watched like a hawk at all times. Yes, that includes visits to bathrooms if there is a window large enough for him to climb through. If he comes home, you may have to put an alarm on his door and windows so that if he opens them at night, you'll know it.

    If you find a good center for him, it may make all the difference in the world. He won't come home perfect, but he'll come home a lot better. Just as importantly, he'll have some tools to help him cope with life as an adult. Sometimes, the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is not a good fit for the child or the family. If that happens, start looking for a new place and transfer him directly from one Residential Treatment Center (RTC) to the other.

    In the meantime, many HUGS. We do understand and we'll be here for you.
  6. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s are hard. But we use them for a reason. I know you don't want to go through this but the firmer you stand on this the better.

    Hugs to you. It isn't easy.

  7. DavidWH

    DavidWH New Member


    I am right smack in the middle of the exact issue, but my Son is already in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - 5 month mark now

    Hang in there.. and come to this site daily.. a few times a day... not just come... read read and read more.. TRUST ME IT WILL HELP

    I fight my ugre to "Save" my Son daily - but he is still in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) no matter how much it hurts me.. this is not about me

    My concern is his lack of desire to go... i know at our Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and ones I have researched, unless it is a lockdown Residential Treatment Center (RTC)... the kid must "want" help at the very least...

    holding your heart softly... david
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know what you're doing is tearing you up but you are doing the right thing not the easy thing. Many gentle hugs to you.
  9. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Hugs Not So~

    Our daughter (15) was in a program for 16 months. As others have shared, it was a DAILY struggle to not pull her and bring her home. It is the most gut wrenching thing a parent could choose to do.

    I remember a friend asking me (in the midst of one of my many meltdowns) "What if your daughter had some terrible incurable disease? What if no one in our community could treat her? What if the only hope you had for her survival was to send her far away to where she could get the treatment she needed? Would you do it?"

    My obvious answer was yes. For some kids, they become so entrenched in drugs, mental illness, rebellion or whatever that the average parent CAN NOT effectively help them get better. We don't have the knowledge, the skills, the ability to help them get better. So we make the decision to send them to someone who can help them.

    Your son is angry at you. That is normal. Most probably is angrier at himself. Once he moves past the anger, hopefully, he will begin the long arduous road toward getting better.

    In the meantime, this period of time should be used by you and your family to make changes as well. I hope you are all seeing a therapist, and working out family struggles. Your home needs to be a different one than the one your son left.

    Hugs. Come often. While we certainly aren't experts - we have walked this road.
  10. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. This is al so unbearable hard on a parent's heart and soul. My son was about an hour away and the psychiatric hospital required me to be there 2-3 days a week. Sometimes I couldn't even see him.

    It is very hard to make them be in a facility. We are all here for you, anytime. Many of us have experience, all of us have caring and hugs to share.