true colors showing... finally

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Sep 30, 2012.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Our church started a mentor/mentee program last year. Each 6,7 and 8th grader was paired with a same sex adult - and they meet once a month at church and occasionally on their own. Today at church the woman who is the "mentor" to my difficult child took me aside to talk to me. She was also the "hostess" during coffee time and had brought a coffee cake with nuts to serve. difficult child went to her and informed her she was taking 2 pieces of cake and was going to go over and eat it in front of easy child because she had braces and couldn't eat things with nuts (easy child got braces 5 days ago and still very sore). So... the mentor took me aside and told me about this incident. She said she was shocked because it was just out right mean and cruel and she new that difficult child was considerate to other people. Well, family is different with difficult child. We have to put up with it (to a point). So she asked if it was OK if she spoke with her during their mentor time together today. She stressed how important that you treat your family as the most important people in your life. I explained that I have had many such talks - but maybe she would take advice from her better than me.

    I would love to ask difficult child about "the talk" but I know I shouldn't as I told mentor I'd let this discussion be just between them. Last week, the mentor asked me if it was OK to say something about some of the inappropriate things she puts on fb. She and I are both fb friends to difficult child so we both see what is posted. Some things had the bxxtch word. Another one was just kind of suggestive. So I hope difficult child got the double whammy from her today.

    Of course, she has a teen boy and girl close to difficult child's age and I am sure things are just wonderful at their house. I know that her dtr has even told difficult child not to pick on easy child during sunday school once. And told difficult child that her brother is her best friend. Gee... I wish I didn't have sibling rivalry. ksm
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Even if she doesn't completely understand at least she is willing to 1. ask you first before talking to difficult child and 2. talk to difficult child. As she gets to know difficult child I'm sure the understanding will come. Sounds like a nice program.
  3. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    This sounds good.....I wish we could have something like that here.....My son adores older, same age people! He would florish with some guidence from some one who isnt a parent to him!
    Hope she can bring a litlle bit of positivity into the mix for you guys!
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am glad our church finally started the program. They had talked about it for years but got it going last year. I think we have about 15 kids/and their adult mentors in the program. Yesterday they had a picnic at a local nature park. Every other month is a group activity, then the alternate months, the adults usually take the kids for a coke or ice cream cone, or do some activity with them. There is a rule that it can't cost over $10. They don't want some kids to get mentors that take them to amusement parks while other kids get a coke. It is important for teens to have adults that can help guide them.

    Our difficult child doesn't seem to have any "problems" that any one would notice by casual observations. She is making A's and B's so far this year. But she is basically one person to the outside world, and another person in our home. I know there would be some issues from them being in foster care for a year before we could get custody, and the fact that biomom is an addict and also bipolar. I am so afraid that difficult child is bipolar... but her therapist we have now doesn't see it. About 2 years ago the previous therapist referred us to the nurse practitioner and they tried medications for for ADD and when that was awful, tried medications for bipolar. Which wasn't any better. I just gave up on medications for a while, and things are a little calmer than last year.

    But when she is being in her public mood, I see it as an act. It just seems so fake it makes me mad. Maybe I am the only one who sees the fakiness... because I see the other side of who she is. But now, the mentor has seen a side of her she didn't expect. Her sister and I get the brunt of it. KSM
  5. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I agree that it is great that she spoke to you first and that she is willing to try to talk to him about it. My difficult child is very much the same way. Nice, sweet, polite, and kind to everyone else in the world, but he can be mean and cruel to his family. It's so frustrating!
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am always shocked at her level of hatred towards us. A good day is when she is indifferent... but even that hurts when you realize she doesn't care if something has made you sad. As long as she gets what she wants, she is a happy camper. But if somebody else has something good happen to them, she is jealous that it didn't happen to her. KSM
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't remember details of all the stories on the board, but... there is definitely lots of history here, and that tends to lead to some level of attachment issues - not necessarily Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but something on that whole spectrum, including insecure attachment (in multiple flavors).

    She doesn't trust anybody but herself. Therefore, everything is about how to get what she perceives she needs (we think they are wants, she doesn't).

    Yes, it's hard. No, it probably isn't how she would have been if her history were different.