So difficult child has his court date June 25 and he will find out what the consequences of his recent arrest and charges will be in terms of his probation. They told him back in February that if he got arrested again he could go to prison because all bets would be off ref probation. There was what they call "language" added by the judge that signifies this. So as you know he was arrested for shoplifting, served sixty days for that charge, and now they have appointed a lawyer for him and that case will be heart June 25. SO says to prepare that he will NOT go to prison, but that he will be given yet another chance and let go. Ugh. So, I realize that could happen, which means the merry-go-round keeps on turning, he's homeless again, etc. Ugh. I would rather him go to prison for safety's sake and for my sake, but I don't get to choose this, like so many other things when it comes to difficult child. And I know that the reality of prison is different from the idea of prison. I am sure I would/will be upset if that occurs as well. So............in the spirit of trying to prepare so I am not blindsided by all of this, I have spent today resting and reading and listening about recovery, detachment, letting go and acceptance. It's been a weird day, but I could not get focused to work and finally I just accepted that. Tomorrow I will work. Here is what I would like to be able to do and say to difficult child after June 25 (whatever happens): Well, honey, okay, now you know what's next for you. I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks and months and I have realized some things I never saw before. You have made a lot of choices and decisions that I haven't understood. It's been hard for me to accept the life that you have been living, and very painful to watch you live on the street and keep going back to jail. But now I realize that you have a right to do whatever you choose, and that includes living on the street and going back to jail. I want you to know that I am not going to judge what you do anymore or try to get you to change or do anything different. You are a grown man. Your life is your choice. It's still hard for me, so I want to stay in touch but we need to go slow and give each other some space and time. I love you very much and I will always wish you the best. That will never change. ******* I have been trying to see difficult child's life from a different perspective. He wants drugs. That is clear. He can't stop. That is clear. He doesn't see that as a problem. That is clear. He thinks he is handling that fine. When he doesn't have a place to live or he shoplifts because he says he is hungry or he doesn't have any money, THOSE are problems, and then he wants someone else to solve them or someone else has caused them. I don't know if he connects the dots between the drug use and the resulting problems. It doesn't seem like he does. So all I know is that I can't solve those problems for him because they are never-ending and I can't raise him again (he's a grown man)---already raised him once. I can't make him stop taking drugs either, that is clear. So I just want to find a way to relax into this, love him without conditions and see him as much as I can stand to see him. If it keeps on like this, it keeps on. If it changes, it changes. I want to expect either situation or nothing to happen. I also want to realize, but not dwell on, the fact that things can get worse, and might. That there are things worse than dying. I don't want to spend any real time on any of that, except to recognize it, because I can't know what might happen and I can't prevent it or control it anyway. I just don't want to be naive. I'm not saying I have fully embraced or accepted the above, but I would LIKE to get to that point.