Turns Out that difficult child's Biggest Problem is Me

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Jun 14, 2011.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yep, that's right.

    Diagnosed with alphabet soup,
    Years of counseling,
    Years of programs,
    Years of waiting lists,
    Counselor after counselor,
    doctor after doctor,
    psychiatric hospital after psychiatric hospital...

    And the MST worker "found" the problem.

    I do not know how to love.

    Apparently, I could have cured everything years ago - if only I had offered more hugs and kisses. Yesterday's therapy session involved me "practicing" hugging my daughter.

    And now tomorrow - I am supposed to analyze in depth the "unresolved issues" I have that have rendered me so incapable as a loving mother.

    I could just scream.

  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Well, at least we know you understand a foreign language. Cause she sure quacks.

    This is the WORST kind of junk therapy, in my opinion. Blame blame blame, lets make sure that the precious patient is never accountable for he actions.

    Sooner or later this will come back to haunt this person.

    I am sorry this person is an idiot.
  3. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    at first i clicked to lol at the latest twisted mindset of yours and to say OF COURSE WE ARE THEIR ACTUAL PROBLEM--did you miss the memo? lmao

    not laughing so much now. from a theraputic workers mouth? you are a much better person than i am--i'd have decked her, called the supervisor and threw her out of my house and then some--maybe not even in that order. i would have been so far past offended i doubt i'd be about to take it in stride like you are.

    you might be my new personal hero.

    in fact, you'll *STILL* be my personal hero if you just politely say "we are done here".

    i still think ms.A should take her home for the summer and get back to you in sept-maybe she can teach her the words to kumbaya while she's at it.
  4. keista

    keista New Member


    And let me guess. The reason your easy child is a easy child is because he is the boy you always wanted, and you showered him with all your affection, and COMPLETELY emotionally neglected your daughter.

    I am so at a loss for words right now :consoling:
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Close - he is a "easy child" (yes, even with his ADHD) purely by accident. We "lucked out". And when we discovered how easy-going and cooperative DS was - THEN we showered him with priviledges and attention and completely emotionally neglected our daughter. difficult child's issues are completely the fault of my parenting and "easy child" DS is just dumb luck.


    Am I really your hero? I am sooo flattered! Thank you!

    And by the way - husband wants me to throw Ms A out the door, too.



    Interestingly, Ms A turned to "blame, blame, blame" only after she saw first hand some of the issues.

    We had been criticized for not using a rewards/consequences program. So - I created a simple one. I tied difficult child wearing makeup to properly completing hygience tasks. IOW - brush your teeth, wash your face, put on clean underpants - you may wear makeup for the day.

    Day One - difficult child complied, earned her makeup.

    Day Two - For the first time in years, difficult child decided she was not in the mood to wear makeup...therefore, there was no need to comply with the hygiene requirement.

    And it was all documented in black and white on my little chart.

    OK - tell me again how rewards motivate a difficult child?

    That's when it became about me not knowing how to love.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wow...I would be telling somebody something, in my usual tactful manner. Does this Ms. A even have kids, let alone have difficult child's at home?

    I'm sorry, DF. Many hugs.
  7. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I'd just let Ms. A. know that she's going backwards. "Blame the parent" is the very first therapeutic approach, and after parents (like you) have jumped thru all necessary hoops and training, then we move on to address the actual issues existing in our beloved offspring. She needs a refresher course. Just because she didn't get to participate in the original parent-bashing sessions doesn't mean she gets to start all over now.

    And raising a easy child has got zip to do with- luck - don't let her get away with- that. Raising a easy child in a house with- a difficult child takes a whole lot of skill, patience, and talent. Honestly - how dare she say that you "got lucky."

    As for *your* issues? I'd hit her with:
    1. Domestic violence, both physical and emotional, extreme and ongoing.
    2. Theft.
    3. Threats.
    4. Etc., etc., etc.

    Pointing out of course that said "issues" arise because of your child. Ms. A remembers her, certainly. The one who she's supposed to be treating?????

    Some therapists are just goofier than all get out. We have to walk a really fine line sometimes, balancing between being compliant participants and protecting ourselves from the real nut jobs out there.
  8. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Well, since you're such an awful parent maybe CPS should just come take her away then.
  9. wintak

    wintak New Member

    I'm sorry...I laughed out loud. I mean really? My father in law essentially said the same thing to me one time about our difficult child. I can't fire him, though. I give you so much strength for being an adult and NOT lashing out at her.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    EXCUSE ME???

    Is this Ms Ally saying this??

    Maybe it's just that with the way your daughter has been behaving, you're having a bit of a problem getting in touch with those lovey-dovey maternal love feelings like we all have when they are born but tend to distance ourselves from a little by the time we've experienced a few years with them after they become a difficult child.

    Just tell her the last therapist told you that you should detach some because that therapist thought the problem was that you tried to mother her too much, so this is your solution.

    Tdocs who don't know what they're doing grasp at straws. I had a couple tell me the problem was I didn't spank difficult child enough when he was a young child- then I had another tell me I discplined him too harshly and too often, Hum. Either way, he minded me when he was a young child so the problem the way I see it is not what I did wrong then- we didn't have those problems then and he behaved- so what's the problem NOW and what do I do NOW?
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2011
  11. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    slsh- I LOVE this statement! I might need to use it, with a few tweaks, on PO in the near future!
  12. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    I think that approach is disgusting from a professional. How dare she say that! If you think my reaction is extreme, here is the reason: My difficult child had already been diagnosed with ODD, and we were trying to deal with the encopresis, and we got to the psychological clinic at an extremely good hospital here in Jerusalem. This psychologist was young enough to be our daughter. She insisted on not only having sessions with difficult child, but also separate sessions with me, and occasionally with my husband. She started accusing my husband and me of causing difficult child's encopresis because our relationship with one another was not good. Duh? Excuse me? This "child" wanted to give us marital therapy because our child had encopresis!! At that point, I didn't say a word, I just didn't fix any more appointments, and that was that. Oh, and difficult child said he didn't want to cooperate with her any more. I still get furious whenever I remember that, and what you have written brought it back to me. In my opinion -- don't take the blindest bit of notice of what this therapist says. After all, a therapist is just a person like you and me, she is not omniscient and she/he is quite fallible and quite capable of coming to the completely wrong conclusion, which is obviously the case with you.

    Excuse the vent.

    Love, Esther
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Dig out old photos and old videos that show you loving your child. Photos of you hugging, playing games, doing the fun loving stuff you would have been doing from Day 1. Then point out that the love is there, but it is very hard to LIKE a child who does what this kid does - you love her enough to ask for help, and this blaming you in this way is NOT helping. Learning to hug and kiss something that is attacking you - it is not true love and the kid will know it is a sham.

  14. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    DF, I don't know how you didn't throttle that woman. Seriously. She would have very quickly been shown the door, while getting a piece of my mind - in no uncertain terms. This has me so angry!
  15. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Miss Ally has no experience parenting a difficult child.

    She has never had to deal with tantrums, rages, social skills issues, adademic issues, family issues, etc ...

    I love my difficult child so much. When he was born I never EVER felt a love like this. As I am sure you all did for your difficult child's and other children.

    Sorry, I am going to put it out there. I don't like difficult child sometimes.

    This is why we are all here together, supporting and caring about one another because we all get it. We all live this every flippin day.

    DF, you are a loving and wonderful parent. You and We do the best we can with what we have been given.
  16. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I am deeply sorry. Nothing could hurt more than to be told the tripe this therapist has tried to sell you. Looking at your difficult children present and past diagnosis, we can't even blame it on bad genes-with the exception of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, no mental illness is beyond about 20% likelihood that it is inherited(not sure about Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)). I would make it clear that you do love this child and hand her lists of things you have done over the years. Also make it clear the conflicted advice you've been given over time. And then make it clear that your relationship will heal as your daughter begins to heal and take ownership of her own well being. When our kids are untrustworthy, be have all kinds of reactions. Relationships without trust and where you have been physically and mentally abused, are not going to be packed with lovey dovey moments! Your difficult child will need to want your trust and earn it so you can begin to feel safe-handing her your heart now will result in her ripping it out.
    It sounds like this therapist is still back in the old stuff that said Borderline (BPD) people are raised by detached and cold mothers. The research shows different causes and environments now. Give her a new book! And tell her you expect her to update her knowledge. Ask her to employ DBT therapy (the best and only long term effective therapy). If she doesn't know how-request someone who does. Don't waste anymore time-you dont have much left with your girl. Again I'm sorry and I send you hugs, real hugs from one mother who truelly understands another. You have our support!
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    You know, DF, if you had been hugging your daughter all thru this, the woman would have said the problem is that she feels entitled because you aren't giving her enough repercussions. The WHOLE theory behind MST is that the parents aren't rewarding/consequenting appropriately. That's the blunt truth of it. And it's generally an intern hired who buys into it and sticks with the job for years- why wouldn't they? If (when) it doesn't work, it's always the family's fault- not the methodology.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, I hate to say, it was my mothers fault...lol. But she was really bad and none of you are her.

    Im sorry DF. This really bites. You really dont even know for sure if your kid has Borderline (BPD) and that isnt even a reason for them to be making such a statement. Love and hugs my tushy. If giving hugs or spanking made for an angel, Cory would be perfect because he got plenty of both. He aint no angel. LOL.

    I had a few good therapists with him, a few iffy's and one or two real kooks. One told me basically what they told you and I had to be body blocked to keep me from climbing over a table and tackling him. Instead I gave him a tongue lashing and dragged Cory out of a building and pulled him from their program. Later his caseworker called me and begged me to keep him in the program and fire the therapist so I did. Idjits.
  19. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    OK, so this is two comments in one...

    For the record... Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), ADHD, executive function issues, etc. are not mental illnesses. They are developmental disorders, and yes, it appears that there is a genetic component to these.

    Food for thought: The standard rule for diseases and disorders is that they affect less than 2.5% of the population... one well-documented exception being ADHD (at >5%) - in which case, is it really a disorder or just an extreme of normal??

    But that's an aside.

    DaisyFace -
    This is a chicken-and-egg problem, to some extent - complicated of course by not-yet-received and/or not properly supported (medical community - not you) diagnoses. SOME of the time, these theories are right... because sometimes the chicken comes first, and sometimes the egg comes first. Your daughter is NOT this way because of how you treat her... you are responding this way because YOU have been abused by the system (inadvertently, but still real) due to not receiving the support necessary... SO - is the system going to give YOU the support you need, by giving daughter the support SHE needs, so that you can THEN work on the relationship???

    Having said that... we found, at our lowest point, that WE had to change our response before the KID could change their response... we were not the cause, but the dysfunctionality of the situation was affecting us all, and we had to break the cycle. IN YOUR CASE, it will absolutely not be enough, and may not even make a dent. Just something to think about...