Two difficult children and Only One is Invited

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jan71, Jun 3, 2008.

  1. Jan71

    Jan71 Guest

    Hi all,

    I have two difficult children, and I'm wondering what to do in a situation where only one is ever invited to my sister's house.

    Background: My sister and her husband have one child, a son, age 12. He is a easy child (no difficult child qualities). Both of my boys (ages 14 and 7) have ADHD/ODD. Anyway, my sister likes to pick up my older difficult child to come over and play with her son. Usually it is an overnight thing, and my older difficult child really likes to go. My sister is my children's only auntie, as my husband is an only child and I do not have any other siblings.

    It makes sense that she only invites my older child to come over in that he is closer in age to her son than my younger difficult child. However, my younger son is never invited to spend any time over there unless he's with myself or my husband.

    When the boys were younger, this wasn't a huge issue, as my younger difficult child didn't seem to know or care that his older brother was visiting somewhere and he was not invited. Now that the younger difficult child is 7, though, he realizes that he's not invited, and he feels bad when he can't go. I suspect my sister invites my older difficult child to come over primarily to make her son happy, not necessarily to do my difficult child any favors.

    My sister often takes care of other people's children (toddlers and pre-school age), and even invites them to come over. The problem is that she never asks to have my younger difficult child come over. Yes, he can be difficult to monitor, as he is hyperactive. BUT, he is on medication and doing much better with the hyperactivity. He also loves animals, and since my sister just got a new puppy, my younger difficult child would be thrilled to just be with that dog all afternoon. He is really gentle and loving toward animals.

    My two difficult children are actually really enjoying one another's company right now, and they like to go fishing and play around in the yard together, so when the older difficult child is not home, my younger difficult child misses him and is more bored, etc.

    I really appreciate that my sister invites my oldest over. Inside, I hurt for my younger difficult child, and I wish that he were also invited once in a while, at least. In his seven little years, he's never once been over to his aunt's house without my being there. I'm sure the reason is likely due to his behavior issues and difference in age from my sister's son. He is doing a lot better behavior-wise, and I'm not sure if I should mention that younger difficult child would like to come over too sometime.

    We have my nephew over to our house quite a bit during the summer months too.

    What would you do in this situation? Speak up or accept it and keep the peace?


  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Maybe mention casually how much difficult child 2 wishes he could come over for a visit with his brother. Ask her if she'd be comfortable letting him do that for a short visit (like and hour and a half) one day this summer. "Ya know, I was thinking, I need to do x and if he could stay with you for a little bit while I do that, then I could swing by and pick him up by x:00," that sort of thing." You could run a short errand and then pick him up while difficult child 1 stays for a bit longer. Maybe you take difficult child 2 to lunch after that or a matinee? Kind of builds in reasons for the short visit and the need to leave before difficult child 1 does.
  3. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I agree. I was thinking the exact thing.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I third gvc moms advice. It's brilliant!
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree. I would emphasize how much better he is doing, and how short of a visit it would be. :)