Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by drained1, Jan 8, 2008.

  1. drained1

    drained1 New Member

    just when i come to grips with the fact i am gonna follow through all the way, not give up and keep pushing the treatment center i get a phone call while at work from teh friends who have my difficult child. They want me to sign "more legal" documents for guardianship and they want her to go to JobCorp instead of the center. Now hold on here i said. she is there basically in a holding pattern there until the treatment center goes thru. they said she is doing good there and is agreeable to jobcorp but not to the treatment center. well duh....she doesnt want help i said they agreed so they feel "life skills" are better. i told them they can teach her anything from baking a cake, to laying brick to building a bridge but until she learns how to deal with herself she will flounder around helplessly forever. i have faced the fact i wont see my oldest walk across teh graduation stage and get her scholarship for college. but why does EVERYONE have to fight me when my husband is gone. its so exhausting, as if difficult child isnt exhausting enuf. then there are others that say, hey let her go to jobcorp, its cheaper for you in the long run. i dont care about the money, i want my kid to be helped. this is what i always run into, i can see a solution but i just cant reach far enough to grab it. oh, i was also informed that she is almost out of medications (i told them a psychiatric followup was needed when she went there for a refill and they said they would set it up, guess they havent) again another night after work and instead of being asleep to get easy child to school in 7 hours, i am awake.

    maybe i should just give up.
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Well, you can't 'life skills' away bipolar.

    It might be time to bring her home if these friends are going to undermine you. It will only make it harder for you to do what you have to do and make difficult child resist that much more. Could you send easy child's to stay with grandparents until difficult child goes to Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Are you worried about their safety? Has she been violent with them?

    If they can't go stay with grandparents or other family, just never leave them alone together and call the police anytime there is violence. Can you take FMLA leave from work?

    Just some thoughts.

  3. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member

    I believe Job Corp will charge you if she is not emancipated.

    HUGS! Others always think they have the answer. Especially if they have not struggled for 15 years!
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Can she even go to Job Corps at 16? I'm sorry but I cannot remember why difficult child is with your friends. Was she violent towards you or the younger kids?

    At what stage are you in getting her into treatment? I would agree with Heather if her going to and Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was only a short time away.

    When you ask or need help from others, you open yourself up to their inclusion in your life. You can't really expect them to remain silent if they are "raising" your daughter for you right now. They will naturally want to interject an opinion. Doesn't mean their opinions are right, just that they will feel the right to express them.

    If you feel in your gut that what you are doing is in your daughter's absolute best interest, don't worry about their thoughts. Let it go in one ear and out the other and go on about your business. Sometimes we choose the stress in our lives. Choose to not allow their opinions to add to your load. Just be grateful they are able to lighten the load by keeping your daughter.

  5. ck1

    ck1 New Member

    If your mommy intincts tell you she's going to Residential Treatment Center (RTC), then that's what you pursue. You do know what's best for your kids. I would listen to their opinions and thank them, but that's it. You don't have to follow them.

    As for your daughter doing great there? Could be a honeymoon period, could be due to the change in scenery. Either way, it seems she has some control over it. Maybe you are her trigger or just hearing no is a trigger and she doesn't hear that much over there.

    When my son was at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and being an absolute perfect role model for the other kids (the staff joked that they wanted to hire him) I told him, "that's great! you show me you can do it here and I will not tolerate any less at home". My expectations are higher now and no temper tantrums for not getting his way, that's life.

    How far is your friends house? You may want to consider doing as much as possible with your daughter while she's there. Only because she needs to know that you are very much in her life and still calling the shots. This may be like a vacation for her and that can't go on too long or the fight when it ends may be like no other!!!

    Keep pushing for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), get as many resources and as much information as possible. When you have it all, then you can make a decision regarding which is best. If you give up, your options are limited.
  6. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Bottom line is she's your child, your decisions and you know what is best for your child. It sounds like they think she just needs lessons on how to become an adult. If it were that simple, you wouldn't have had to remove her from your home nor would her grandparents have had to say no more when she stayed with them.

    You might remind your friends that their home is not the first home she "visited" and the lack of success her grandparents ultimately had. She may just be honeymooning. The totally different environment may be helping her for now. Who knows? The reality is that the odds are her good behavior there is not permanent.

    First and foremost, do NOT sign any guardianship papers unless she is so far away from you that you really cannot make the decisions for her or, if necessary, take her to doctors, etc. If your friends get guardianship, your rights are pretty much gone and they can do what they feel is best. You can have documents drafted that give them the right for medical treatment but any other decisions, including school, are up to you.
  7. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    just a friendly warning about jobcore...i dont know about the one where you are from ,but the one near where i live a bunch of people i know when i went to school went...ive also heard this from my younger cousin and her friends
    and everyone of them said the whole time they was there all they ever did was sneak out and party.and that alot of the girls up there would take off and stand on the side of the road let grown men pick them up and would do "whatever they wanted "for cigs ,alchohol,and drugs
    and the people there would let them get away with everything
    actually i passed it on my way to go see my son while he was in the hos ...and there was a bunch of girls and boys standing out front ,on the side of the road smoking
    im sure not all of them arent like that but id be careful
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I went to the web site and checked it out. DON'T SIGN ANYTHING YET.

    Read about it first. They only need to be 16. They need your permission (hence don't sign anything yet) and you are to go to the interview with birth certificate, immunization record, etc...

    I'm not all for JobCorp, and if it's between getting treatment or learning independent living skills? It's a real toss up. Because I've had to make that decision this past Fall with my own son. Like you I had to come to terms with the death of many of my dreams. I've had to lower my expectations to literally save my health. I've had to come to grips with letting go and putting my son in God's hands. I couldn't keep him in MY hands any longer - they were busy wrenching from fret and worry.

    I think about all the things I dreamed of for him before he was born, how I carefully chose a name I could picture on the door of an office looking sturdy. I pictured me helping out baking cup cakes for his class or putting together party bags for his birthday parties. I pictured school pictures in a neat 12 year frame, I pictured prom, learning how to drive, graduation - maybe even a little league type sports team and the pictures I would share with my parents. The pride = the joy - my son.

    And I got nothing even close. I fought so hard for so long to try to make some part of MY dreams and visions a reality for ME I lost sight that difficult child had a brain, he had his own constitution, and he was NOT like other kids (except here). The dreams in his head for his life weren't what he thought either. So here we had me and him battling for different visions and each trying to enforce to the other that THEIR dream was what was RIGHT.

    When I finally started to let go - it hurt, I thought my heart was being ripped from my chest. There were SO MANY THINGS that I, we didn't get to do as his Mom. I mean realistically I knew I wasn't going to have the school pictures or the little league games - and the days of putting prize bags together passed without the first purchase or group birthday with friends - but in the back of my mind I thought okay - compromise - maybe he CAN get a diploma. Those dreams were thwarted when he ended up in Department of Juvenile Justice. So compromise again - maybe a GED? And I cried.

    I sat down and thought - later after being very angry at EVERYONE, God included and thought - my being angry over my dreams dying is NOT promoting anything helpful. So I started in therapy asking how I could learn to let go and helpful things I needed to hear so I could let my son - Go to a group home, get a job, work on school GED, and life skills. Hopefully he'll do those things. And just before Christmas - difficult child was going to be kicked out of the group home so I thought "A TREATMENT PLACE" and when this idea was presented to difficult child he flipped out.

    Granted my son is NOT mentally well. The thought of him trying to learn life skills was nearly overwhelming for (((ME)) because what ((((I WANTED))) was....(fill in the blank. The truth be told - the day the caseworker came to get him he wasn't even off our property before he told the caseworker that he couldn't wait to get on his own. I couldn't believe it - I mean DIDN'T HE WANT to do what ((((I ))) had picked for him? ARGH.

    What I have come to realize in the last 3.5 months is that at 16-17 he was sick and tired of locked down institutions. He was OVER tired of talking to psychiatric's for the last 11 years, he was glad to be in a school only 3 days a week, 5 days /6 hours a daywas too much stimulation for him. Living with 6 other boys and learning to run a house, pitch in, and some freedom seems to suit him more so than a place that locks him up and does group once a day, medications, and a psychiatrist once a month - with staff that are at best questionable and most don't have a clue. So....

    I let go. I let go the best way I could - and gave him the opportunity to pursue what he has as his dream in his head or to form those dreams. I learned we can guide our children but when we start to make them live our dreams - we will clash every time.

    I don't know you. I don't know your daughter. I have no clue what level of dysfunction she's dealing with nor do I have any idea what you've done for her in the past as her Mom -who loves her more than anything. I do know you want what is best for her.

    IF Job corps is just out of the question for you, and she's balking at 16 for going into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) - maybe there is a compromise you can reach? I don't know what that is - Maybe agree that she tries this treatment program and if she does well for x amount of weeks - then she can be medically discharged and GO to Job corps?

    Or maybe there is a suitable therapeutic group home - split the difference - at a group home she would learn life skills, could make her own therapy appointments for mental health and a counselor - or not - go to alternative school, get a job. Most have pretty specific rules about what you have to do to maintain living there.

    I wish I had a more solid answer for you. I would recommend that you yourself get into some type of therapy. It's really good for you, it helps to go into someones office and just blow a cork about your kid/life/work for an hour. I NEVER left a session feeling worse than I did when I went in. It was a great help to me to learn how to detach from a child who for every effort I gave - never came out of an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) better. He did learn things - which we HOPE will stick with him or that he'll fall back on to use in his life. And in the Group home he's finding out life is NOT easy or rosey without a job, skills, and people REALLY don't want to hire a kid with tattoos on his forerms - Mom wasn't lying, Dad isnt' a dork, you really DO have to pay people for rides here and there - and if you don't pitch in at the group home and someone else had to to your chores - you are treated like you are invisible.

    I can't tell you that I made a better or right decision to send difficult child there - I can tell you he's learned more in 3 months there than he has living at home with all of us in an uproar.

    Hugs to you -
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Best of luck. Sheesh, the things I learn on this bb.