Update - another call from police etc.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all,

    Well I am doing better but my son is still a mess. I had a good text convo with him on Tuesday in which it came out he and his girlfriend broke up. Not really a surprise but I feel pretty angry that she and her mom brought him back here and now he is even more lost....but I also know that was his decision. So we had a good non confrontational convo where he did admit he has been drinking and i tried to just be understanding of his pain. I had this convo and a little while later the police called again because there were some more calls worried about him and they wanted to do a well being check again. This ended up involving 3 different PDs. I guess he was not there when he went to the house so I tried to get a hold of him, no response. I finally talked to his friend and he said he was with his girlfriend.... anyway I did text him and told him to check in with the police. So yesterday he texted me and asked me for a ride home from work. It is way out of my way but i really wanted to lay my eyes on him after all this. So I went to pick him up. Turned out he had gotten another ride but I had not gotten his text msg telling me so....he felt appropriately bad about putting me out of my way. I was glad to see him and told him he could talk to me for a couple of minutes. So we chatted and I asked him about the other night... he said he had checked in with the police and that he was fine. That kids got freaked out by some of his drug references. I get that because i was freaked out by them. So I asked him about them and he did admit to me that in the past he has tried heroin twice. I suspected that but of course was hoping I was wrong. Of course this scares me to death....but it felt good to have him be honest and to have the reality of his drug use on the table. Made me glad we got him into rehab when we did.... even though he is now relapsing, we postponed a serious heroin addiction for at least a while and hopefully he learned enough to get back on track before he really goes down that road. I think he and his girlfriend did not work things out and so he is really hurting from that. I did tell him that if and when he is ready to be committed to sobriety we would help pay for him to go to a sober living place. I made it sort of casual, not telling him what he had to do.... so he did not get upset but just said thank you. I also just told him I loved him, that noone loves you like your mother does. He said he knew that. So the interaction between us was pretty good..... but of course the reality of his drug use has me reeling a bit, but I am glad to know the truth. He did not need detox when he went into rehab which is a good sign... and I am just praying he does not go there again. (And full knowledge that he may very well go there).
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you did well. I can only imagine how scary it was hearing he'd tried heroin, but you handled it all wonderfully.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You left the door open to him and started conversation. He knows you are there for him and between all the bad stuff he says to you when he's mad, he knows you would help him if he did the right thing. I am so hoping he gets to the point where he wants something better for himself. I read my difficult child's letters about how at peace and happy she is and yet I know that the pull of drugs/alcohol is sooo strong that it can pull her back in a heartbeat.

    I think often about you and your difficult child's struggles because we are both in the same place, maybe at different times but we are going down the same roads. My difficult child took the breakup of her and her boyfriend very hard and that's when her drinking really went out of control. While this is a difficult time for him, it may be the bottom he needs to reach to get help. And I agree I would be angry about his girlfriend bringing him back here too and dumping him. What was she thinking? Everyone thinks they know better what is good for them than their families.

  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I know all too well that horror you feel when you find out what they have done. (((HUGS)))
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I think the conversation you and your son had was a good one. The fact that he called you and apologized was a step in the right direction because normally and not so long ago I can see him not saying anything about inconveniencing you. This is a babystep towards maturity and appreciation of you. It's a good sign and shows he is thinking of someone besides himself. Also liked how you handled telling him about the rehab. You stayed calm and cool - very hard to do - but worth the effort because you weren't preachy - you just put it out there, and the decision in the end is his - and you made that so.

    I'm hoping this is what he needs to see to realize parents are not the enemy - Sorry about the girlfriend, but wow what a nice way to do him huh? Gotta remember to thank her and her Mother - wonderful pair those two, then again I'm sure he was a peach, but like Nancy said - they all know better than us.

    Fingers crossed for continued success - sounds like it's moving that way!
  7. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Watch out for the heroin use, though. My difficult child nephew used it about 10 times (by his admission--that means it was probably far more) sporadically in a 4-5 month period and reported that it was the most totally numbing, blissful, free-from-anxiety experience he had ever had, and that it was very very tempting to return to it in moments of great anxiety or discomfort. He shifted over to methadone for a while--a less potent buzz but still quite numbing & narcotic--because he could get it more cheaply, but it was pretty clear that, if he had the cash for it, he'd shoot heroin far more frequently. Once tasted, that drug is very hard for difficult children to get away from, and the only real impediment to frequent use is the cash needed to do it. And, given its offering of total freedom from the anxiety and worry caused by the things that they do, they tend to go after it with both hands once they find a steady source. And be aware: a difficult child in need/want of heroin will become completely amoral and unscrupulous--nothing is beyond them and their amorality and heartlessness goes off the charts. Stay alert and be watchful--all it takes is someone acting as a steady source and difficult child can go right over the falls.
  8. april1974

    april1974 New Member

    I'm glad you had a good conversation with your son, sorry he is relapsing but I'm glad he isn't addicted to heroin. It's hard to hear when teens tell us the truth of what they have been up to, my daughter was always open about stuff with me, but whenever she would tell me something about drugs etc I would be screaming inside. Boys tend to take longer to come out of these things, I think their brain connections are slower to connect or something.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am proud of you for handling the entire thing the way you did. You did not freak when you learned his girlfriend broke up and he relapsed with alcohol. Then he clearly felt safe enough to tell you about his heroin experience and hwo he felt about it. He clearly has friends who care and are willing to call the cops to check on him when he is talking about drugs. That alone is HUGE. Many of the people I knew who talked about drugs did not EVER have anyone but their parents who would call the cops or 911 if they are in trouble. It is wonderful that when he is talking about drugs his friends will send the cops. They have to know that if he is high or has drugs on him he would likely end up in jail, and possibly be angry, but they care enough to call anyway. He has chosen some excellent friends. I know people in AA here who won't do that - because the cops are somehow the enemy. (Never understood that either, but I am sort of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) about rules.)

    The entire thing shows me how much you and difficult child love each other. He loves you enough to explain what was going on, and he trusts you enough to be brutally honest. That is HUGE and will likely carry him over almsot any kind of rocky path to a better life. So many times kids do things that they cannot tell their parents about and then they are ashamed so they do those thigns again to escape the shame feelings. This is a real positive for someone working on staying sober.

    It must be so horrible to hear you child tell you he has tried heroin and has said things that got his friends afraid for his safety. I don't know how you kept from crying or screaming when youheard, but you handled it excelelntly. Now you have to work through these feelings and process them and what they mean for you.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you all.... now my son texted me today and wants to meet us to talk about his living situation. He doesn't quite know what to do and I am happy he is asking for my help in figuring it out. So I think we will be meeting tomorrow for a meal and to help him figure out his options. I have to be careful not to TELL him what to do but rather give him his options. I am trying to keep in mind my goals here... to love him, help him, guide him but NOT enable his drug use. I don't know what kind of place he could get that he could afford. I think it would have to be a rooming house.... we would be willing to help him pay for a sober living place BUT I am not at all sure he is really ready for that. So it should be interesting. Just talked to him and had a good conversation.... so I am nervous about the situation but also helpful. I asked him how he was and he said better. And he did not sound drunk or high. Mrsammler - I am very worried about the possibility of heroin use. I know that is really really scary. The one thing going for him is he is on probation and if he violated probation he will end up in jail.... and after spending two weeks in jail last year he really does not want to do that.... so hopefully that will be a very strong deterrant for him. That is my hope.