Update from PO ~ attack of the difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, Aug 9, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Forgive for going into the history but, I want to share this, it may help someone else that reads it.

    I raised my two children alone until 7 yrs ago. The reason being bio-dad's alcohol and drug use. He has never bought my kids a pencil for school much less anything else. When my difficult child started disappearing from home, he sought out his bio-dad.

    My son was almost 18 when he committed robbery. I fought to keep it in Juvie court even though the judge could hold me responsible because he was underage. I did that so it wouldn't be on his adult record. Well, my son has not kept up the payments and when they went to the hearing the judge made his bio-dad party to the case. (his dad received the stolen property in the first place but my son would not tell on him) So what this means is if my son doesn't pay ~ bio-dad will have to pay. He skipped out on all those yrs of child support and was helping his son go down the wrong path and now he is responsible (God is Good!!!)

    I wanted to share this because each of us is responsible for the actions of our kids until age 18 (alabama)The only reason the judge didn't make me responsible is because all my actions to try to get help for my son were written there in his record. I started seeking CHINS at age 15, and the list grew from there.

    My son had new charges against him. He and three buddies "borrowed" a pontoon boat and some seadoos and went joy riding on the lake. He said they took them back but, he thinks the guy was so mad because one seadoo got damaged.

    He found out that one charge is 20,000 bond and the other is 10,000 bond.

    The attack of the difficult child ~ he has called me at least 20 times. He goes from blaming me. He wouldn't have been with his dad if I hadn't thrown him out, to mom you are just going to leave me in jail?

    Yes, God has answered prayer. I have tried everything possible to get my son to wake up and see what he was doing, I totally let go and now he is off the streets, away from his idiot dad, and he is sober. I have also spent many a night not understanding how his dad was able to get by with all his wrong doing. Now it has happened in front of my son. His dad is bonded out and he is still there. Maybe this is what it will take for my son to see the truth.

    My son was raised in a loving home. I did without so he and his sister could go to the best schools and have everything they needed to succeed in life. He had karate,baseball,basketball,art,drama, and his true love football. He was going to be the one that made it to the pros....
    He went to church. Most of his activities outside the home were either church groups or family based.

    I never even allowed my son to have a toy gun.

    This can happen to any one's child. Drugs will take over anything and anyone.

  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Hopefully difficult child has gotten his wake up call as far as his father is concerned. What a way to learn it, though.

    I think with boys, they tend to stick dad way up on some high pedistool when they aren't around, even if it's Mom who is doing all the work ect. I know my brothers did it with my dad. They got their wake up calls in their early twenties. Big time reality check, as their idolized image of dear ol' dad was nothing like the reality of their father. (not a horrible man, just couldn't possibly live up to what they'd built him up to be)

    I'm glad bio-dad is being held responsible. Nice to see a bit of good ol' fashion justice being served. :smile:

    I know it has to be really tough on you with difficult child calling.... Sending many warm and supportive (((hugs))) your way.
  3. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: hearthope</div><div class="ubbcode-body">

    This can happen to any one's child. Drugs will take over anything and anyone.



    Sorry about your son. I hope he starts to get it. I'm sure you have been worried sick about him.

    I'm glad his dad is being held financially responsible. Take care of yourself.

  4. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Today was unnerving!

    He pulled out every trick in his bag to get me to bond him out.

    He even told me I didn't have to spend any money ~ I could just put up my house and land.

  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    As mean as this sounds, tell him to call his father who just managed to bond himself out. You are not going to risk your home for this. Remind him that you fought hard to keep him in juvenile court and all he had to do was pay his fines. He was the one who chose to not pay them. He was the one who chose to go joyriding with the pontoon and Seadoos.

    Sadly, it is now up to him to take responsibility for his actions. You've tried to help him all you can. Do let him know you love him but this is one time you can't help him.

  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs your way. That "lesson" is one of the most important aspects of the CD family sharing. So many of us
    have learned that it can, and does, happen to nice families who
    have done everything they could do to raise nice healthy kids who
    know they are loved.

    It still amazes me some mornings when I wake up. I still don't
    understand how we got to where we are. Like you I review and review the detachment rules.

    Sending caring thoughts your way. DDD

    by the way, I have limited the number of daily calls that we will accept
    at $3.50 each. My thought is that if he can turn to family to
    escape the reality of where he is and WHY he is there, it may
    not sink in as fast. on the other hand, we do accept a couple each day.
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    You are doing the right thing. I know how hard it is to leave them sit in jail when it would be the easiest thing in the world to bail them out.

    Don't do it.

    When the kids will not listen to us, those are the consequences they WILL hear.

    It must have been hellish, trying to raise a child in the right way when the father was encouraging that kind of behavior.

    When difficult child first turned, the police in our town recognized his car and were watching every move he made. He was jailed on a traffic technicality thing. Had difficult child not been doing what he was doing, I am sure it would never have gone as far as it did. I left difficult child in jail, and I told him why. One of difficult child's lately come difficult child friends' parents called and offered to bail difficult child out for us.

    As though it were a question of money.

    I refused the offer.

    difficult child has never actually been sentenced to jail again. The other mother's son (the mother who called and offered to bail difficult child out) continued stealing and so on, and went to prison some time later. (We lived in a very nice area where all the dads worked and most of the moms stayed home ~ neither of those boys had any of the typical "reasons" to do as he did. It was an epidemic in our neighborhood, actually.

    I suppose all kinds of substances must have been flooding the streets like water, looking back on what happened in our neighborhood from the perspective of what I now know.

    Your son is where he needs to be.

    This experience may keep him out of somewhere far worse, later.

    Of course, my difficult child doesn't see it like that! :eek:

    Anyway, I think you are doing exactly the right thing.

  8. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I agree with everyone else. My son is still sitting in jail for right now. I dread when he goes to court they will let him out. He did what it took to get him there. He has been thinking about it for a month or more. He tried all the tricks on me to bail him out also - I kept thinking about what it would be like if I did - he could get into more trouble, overdose, make my life even more miserable - so I left hiim there - he even cried one time when I went to see him - now his court date is the 14th and I think the judge will let him go - now we are goiong to tell hiim he cannot come home - he already knows this - I have sent him many names of rehabs, treatment facilities and halfway houses along with homeless shelters he could call or go to - we cannot stand anymore in our household - obviouosly jail isnt that bad - he keeps going back!
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Ahhhh Traci...

    I well know those phone calls begging you to come bail them out. They promise the world, threaten, beg, cajole, then start all over again.

    Dont put up anything for bail. You know where it got me. Let him learn this lesson the first time instead of having to do it over and over again like my son.

    We can do this together. I will take strength from you.
  10. kitty9259

    kitty9259 New Member


    I, like you ,wonder why when our difficult child are given so much do they not rejoyce, have gratitude, and work hard to make a good life for themselves....Nurture vs. Nature. Youre ex sounds as good as mine. Some of it's got to do with genes.
  11. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    You know, I think there may be a genetic component that predisposes some of us to addiction ~ but I think the behaviors we are all seeing in our children are a direct result of their drug use.

    I was reading something somewhere about the way drug use (meth, in this case) and pornography go hand in hand. Until I read that? I had no idea! difficult child was always calling those 900 numbers and talking about how he had spent his check on lap dances.

    And how he wanted to start a strip joint. :redface:

    That is common in meth users, according to the material I was reading.

    When difficult child would talk like that? (And to his own mother, no less!)

    I never did know what to say.


    It seems funny now, but it was horrible hurtful back then.

  12. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thank you all for the strong stand of support, I hope I can return it to each of you at some time..

    I was so consumed with feelings that he had finally been picked up, it never crossed my mind that he would call ME. Once the phone started ringing ~ I was having a time trying to work and handle my emotions.

    He had some time to let it sink in.

    I got the whole story from the invest. There were a few things my son left out. The two attorney's that they 'borrowed' things from are letting it go but, the DR. is pressing all charges.

    (only a Corey would pick 2 attorneys and a Doctors house to go into)

    He is facing three felonies. He has to wait to go before the grand jury (nov. or dec.) One boy is still not arrested, the other two have been arrested and bonded out.

    My son's time while he is waiting will go as time served toward his sentence. After he is served whatever time he is sentenced he will go on probation. He will take drug test, he will have to have a job.

    I have tried everything to change him. He will stay in jail and hopefully hate it enough that he will do what it takes not to return to jail.

    He is 18. I hope this is a life changing experience.

    I hung up on him this morning. He didn't call back till late right before I was leaving (he can't call home ~ it is blocked) I let him know I knew the whole story and he sounded relieved. I explained to him what I was told about his time being counted and he seemed to accept it. He asked for money for the store and I said I would bring it down. He reminded me that he couldn't call the home # and I said I know you'll have to wait till tuesday when I come back to work.

    I did for some reason feel better when I learned he wasn't just sitting there for nothing. He has some serious charges, but all of you that have been along on this journey with me know that he was getting worse and worse, something had to happen.

    Thank you all for sharing and sending support!

    I will stay here and gain strength, I am sure the best is yet to come.

    Janet ~ hang in there. I have thought of you and Cory so much these last couple of days.

    We will get thru this!!!!!!!
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Yes we will get through this. One of my Cory's court dates is in November too. He put it off till then...lol. Dumb dumb dumb. Bet he wishes he hadnt done that now.

    I am going to write to him and tell him that maybe he could contact his lawyer and ask to plea bargain everything together and just start serving his sentences. That would make more sense to me but then when do they ever do anything that makes sense? Or when does the judicial system make sense either...lol.
  14. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Ironic, they buck authority all these years

    and they wind up in a place telling them when to eat and sleep.

    Seems like it would be enough to make them want to change.