Update on difficult child...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tracy551, Apr 22, 2007.

  1. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    Well we go back to court 5/1 to see if difficult child will come home or be sent 4 hours away for "therapy" No one seems to know if he will even be placed any where, they (CYS) really don't know what to do with him. This is my opinion---I have insurance now that can get him back with a wonder doctor we used to see, there is a new alt. ed. school open about 20 min. from our home, and we also have a new place in our town for drug counseling.
    Any opinions on fighting for difficult child to come home? I told him that if he does come home things must be different!!! If he does come home he will be under close watch.
    I appreciate any input on this. I want him home for numerous reasons. I miss him, I can not travel 4 hours due to a "highway" fobia, also I worry about my van making the trip.
    But in a way I am worried he will come back and go right back to the same stuff. He will be 18 in one year after that there's no saving him and he knows that.
    Thanks for the time all
  2. oceans

    oceans New Member

    There must be some treatment centers closer to where you live, isn't there? Why send him so far away? If he is involved with substance abuse wouldn't it be better to get him treatment now? Would he do it on an outpatient bases, or might it be too difficult for him to stick with it. If he were living back at home would he have the same friends, and are those friends involved in drugs too? Would he go to the alternative school and work on his education without the structure the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would have? In the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) it is a highly structured environment. He would not have temptations of drugs or any way to access them. He would need to follow the rules in order to work his way out, and there would not be a risk of falling back in with kids who might have been bad influences in the past. They will have a school there and he will need to go. They will have planned activities to do throughout the day, and what they watch on TV will be monitored. It is a great learning experience in life. Do you have a plan in place for if he does not follow through once he gets home? There are lots of questions you must ask yourself, and see if you really feel comfortable with this choice.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    A tough decision, especially with the big 18 coming up. You have a small window of opportunity. I guess I'd have to sit down and try to take a honest look at the pros and cons to each senerio.

    I understand your highway phobia. I have interstate highway or freeway phobia to the max. (hate even being in the car with someone else driving) It's not MY driving I'm worried about, it's everyone else's. :slap:

  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    What/how has difficult child proved that he is ready to come home. The biggest concern, in my humble opinion, is how will you handle it if difficult child comes home with the same behaviors, choices & such?

    What is the crisis plan? Forgive me, as I don't have a 17 year old, so if this seems harsh, I'm sorry. I'd let difficult child continue the treatment out of home.

    Either way, it's going to be a crapshoot. I'm sorry you're in this position. :angel:
  5. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    I was going to suggest to the court to put him on some sort of probation that if he would fall back then place him. I don't know I just keep thinking about the 4 hours away. I've never been that far from my kids. The most was 1 hour and no big highways. He says he will do what ever he has to do and I did tell him he must most of all be respectful in my home. I want to believe him, but for all those been there done that parents we never know the outcome. I'm worried also about his grandparents (great grandparents- they are in their 80's) They worry about him, even though they are supportive (compared to my mom) they are not in the best of health.
    It's so hard do I fight or not? And even if I do would they listen in the courtroom. I can't afford a lawyer and I don't qualify for a court app. att. I'm so torn.
    Thanks for the input all.
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I don't want to be negative but what exactly is going to change? Broad generalizations to a teen usually means no specific expectations and no change in difficult child.
    You need an itemized list/contract for him to sign and the listed consequence if he does not change the behavior.

    1) Curfew. Consequence
    2)acceptable words when talking to family. Consequence
    3)No drugs, no drinking. consequence
    This is just a loose example. You have to individualize it for your own son.

    You basically must create a structured environment. difficult child's promise you the world to get out of an ugly situation but it's up to you to work on changing the environment so that he changes his mindset.

    The other bit of input is that this has nothing to do with you missing him or that he is far away from you. This is about the best situation to save him from himself by letting him learn the life lessons to function as a law abiding, tax paying independent adult. It is our sacred promise when we have children to do what is best to help the child.
    Different things work for different kids and parents but you have to look at what difficult child needs to make some progress in the right direction and go that way despite the personal sacrifice and pain.

    You worry that he will go away and come back unchanged. I agree but you already know if he comes home and nothing changes with you and home that he will not change either.

    Your worry for grandparents is valid but that isn't the priority in my humble opinion.
  7. oceans

    oceans New Member

    I have never been to court so I don't know how that works. Would you be assigned a court appointed attorney? You could tell them what you just said here, and that you would like him to have another chance. You could tell them what is available to him for supports. Perhaps they could set something up that his not going to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is contingent if he follows through on the supports he must agree to, and if progress is being made. Sometimes you can find help through a University Law school. Sometimes they offer free advice in situations like this. I know that they have something set up here like that. You could start making phone calls and finding out information.
  8. Loris

    Loris New Member

    With such a small window until his 18th, I'd think long and hard about this. After all, once he's 18, it's no longer your choice. Big boy fail, then. You should at least have an oppurtunity to speak to the Judge. Maybe tell him your fears and if he's home, first offence sends him for help. I don't envy your position, it's a hard place to be in. Mine is now in Texas, while I'm in california. For the same kinds of reasons. Good luck.
  9. tracy551

    tracy551 New Member

    New interview set for today. Now they are looking into a "boys ranch" It's seems to me they don't know what to do with him. And no one is telling me anything. They seem to be scrambling for someplace to place him before court on 5/1. SOOOOO FRUSTRATING!!!
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Given your difficult children age I would expect this to be a struggle. What to do before he reaches "adult" age?

    I'm so sorry to hear how difficult this situation is becoming.