Update on difficult child's first visit since she left 5 months ago.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by cw_mi, Apr 22, 2013.

  1. cw_mi

    cw_mi New Member

    I started a new thread. Here is the original:

    Well, it sort of went well. My wife told me she picked her up and they went and had breakfast. It was awkward at first but not too bad. First things out of difficult child’s mouth were “ I just want to let you know that Bildo (my wife and I’s made up name for him) and I are still together. I really care for and love him. “ Well this isn’t news to us at all. Her FB status shows “engaged” , don’t know why she thinks it’s hidden. My wife told her, we are aware and it is what it is. You can’t pick who you fall in love with . So right off the start they had the discussion about him and her. My wife told her all this went down not because of him, but because she continually lied and deceived us about what was going on in her life. We may not like him and just want her to be aware of the dangers that she doesn’t see by being with him. My wife stressed that just because we might not approve of whom she dates or is engaged too doesn’t mean she has to turn against the entire family. And again we find it surprising that she can stand by and be with someone that constantly puts us and the rest of the family down and in a couple of times actually made threats on FB. After the initial awkwardness was over with I guess it went okay. They talked about school, her getting a job etc. My wife did catch her in a couple of lies.. so that hasn’t changed. The wife had “the talk” with her , and that maybe she should go and see a OGBYN and difficult child denied that anything was going on. difficult child was surprised when my wife said, well you should be honest because the doctor will be able to tell. Her becoming pregnant would not help the situation at all. They did some shopping and ended up painting a bench we have on our porch together. difficult child did mention that her dad is driving her crazy and she pretty much understands now what we’ve told her all these years.
    I ended up coming home and difficult child was still there, I had tried to make it the day without seeing her. It was again awkward at first and right off the bat she apologized for the things she said the night she left and how she knows it’s going to be tough but wants to try and get things back to normal with us and the rest of the family. In my mind I wanted to be the tough guy and give her an attitude.. in reality that didn’t happen. I told her I am glad she is trying to reconnect and that she is right it is going to take time but we are family and we love her and things will work out.. if she stops lying and trying to manipulate things. We chatted about school and her trying to find a job. I did catch her in a lie though. I asked her if she was going to prom and she said she couldn’t because she no longer goes to that school (Bildo goes to a different HS then she does, I never mentioned which prom) and can’t. I said it shouldn’t matter if someone that attends that school asks you and her reply was she hasn’t been asked yet. I said that is odd because I saw some FB updates with you trying on prom dresses… she got quiet and I just left it. When her mom took went to take her home she did approach me and gave me a hug.. was sort of surprised about that. Later after my wife returned she told me that difficult child asked if she could spend the day with us for Mother’s day. For the most part was a good visit. There is much work that needs to be done to patch things up with us , if ever. difficult child did look good , she was clean , her hair washed and looked healthy even though she did lose some weight. My wife and I knows she is just bidding her time with her dad, as soon her and Bildo raise enough money she will split. She did tell us that Bildo got accepted into the military. So if it is true she will probably follow him to where ever.
    Another thing, the next day difficult child reached out to her aunt (whom my wife and I hang with) and told her of the visit and apologized for lying to her in the past and that she wants to try and make things better and reconnect with the family .
    Personally, I ( and my wife also) think there is a motive. She is probably at her wits end being with her dad and is looking for an out somehow and realizes she will need people on her side. Time will tell. We both agree she has not hit bottom yet and the fact she still isn’t completely open about her life proves she hasn’t changed.

    I understand where you’re coming from and I know I sound like a typical parent in denial but I really don’t think that’s the case. We monitored their email and chats for close to a year (neither was aware of this) and there was not one hint of drugs or alcohol from either of them. I know she is acting like an addict at the moment but most of her actions we can pretty much trace to why she is the way she is. We can’t be sure though because anything could have happened in the past 5 months. Although she is 18 now and the decisions she makes are her own to make now. Now I know he is on medications for his disorders so there could always be the abuse of those , if he tries to share them with her.
  2. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sure sounds like you, your wife and her aunt all did a stellar job of holding it together in the best interests of the family. Only time will tell how it all settles but in my humble opinion your approach is most likely to be of benefit. Good luck. DDD
  3. cw_mi

    cw_mi New Member

    Thanks, it certainly wasn't easy for any of us. Expecially when niether of us think she's really learned anything from this. It is what it is, a start and we can only see how it goes from here. I'm not looking forward to Mother's day weekend, spending a hour or so with her isn't so bad. But spending an evening and whole day.. that's going to be tough.
  4. I too think you both did a stellar job of handling the visit from difficult child. Way to go!!!

    As for Mother's Day - what if you just did brunch or just did dinner and a movie? It might be easier for all of you to make it less time.

    It seems as though difficult child hasn't learned too much as she is still lying. This means you and your wife still need to be on guard for manipulation tactics from her. But if you define your boundaries and stick with them you can forge a relationship with her.

    Keep doing what you did on this last visit and I think you'll make some great progress!!