Update on SS

[scaredofhim]

Well bio mom called us last night when SS was in the middle of another rage. She says she is going down to file unruly child charges against him this afternoon. Which she really needs to do because he is becoming so violent. He is totally out of control, and was delusional last night. Said he doesn't care if he has to go to foster care. That he isn't afraid of the cops, they can't hurt him, etc. husband and I told bio mom that she needs to follow through with filing the charges before someone gets hurt, but we fear that when they explain to her that one of the consequences down the road after filing could be that she loses custody of SS and he could become a ward of the state, that she won't file the charges and then he will wind up doing something terrible and wind up in juvie. husband told her that she has to do it, there is NO other option. She cannot handle him, he's becoming dangerous. And we have no desire to have SS in our home because we will not be safe. SS says he should be able to do anything he wants, anytime he wants!! He will say things and do things and not even remember. When bio mom took his laptop last night, he said he was going to kill himself if she didn't give it back. Everyone is just so weary of this....

 

[DDD]

I'm sorry but hope he can get the help he needs. Hugs DDD

 

[scaredofhim]

Another update. Bio mom did go to the prosecutors office and did all the paperwork required to file the unruly child charges. All that she needed to do after that was to take the paperwork down to the juvenile court and file it. And she has not done it yet and it's been nine days since she did the paperwork. In the meantime, things have gotten even worse. SS is now shoving her out of his room when she tries to enter, continues not to do his homework or shower or anything else other than play games on the laptop. A couple of nights ago he would not get off the laptop and she went to grab it to take it away from him and he grabbed the other end and was pulling it away from her. And while doing so he looked at her with that very scary, evil look he has and yelled, "I KNOW where the knives are!!" OMG he threatened her with knives!! I would have called the police right then and there! Needless to say she did not take the laptop away from him. This is our weekend to have him, my husband is picking him up on his way home from work, and I am scared out of my wits!! SS's pediatrician called bio mom earlier in the week and told her that SS is out of control and that he has psychotic episodes with his bipolar disorder. And told her that if he harms someone, she will be held legally responsible for that because she has full custody of him. This stuff is really getting scary! She did file paperwork to get him into a program where a counselor will come to the home to try and work with him and if that doesn't work they can place him in residential treatment, but my fear is that it is too little too late and that child is going to snap and hurt someone. I don't want to bring SS here this weekend at all, but husband said that bio mom needs a break. I do feel for bio mom for all she is dealing with and I know she needs a break, but the child is dangerous and it is not safe for him to be anywhere except in the hospital or residential treatment. Please pray for us!

 

[InsaneCdn]

If husband believes that biomom needs a break, then HE needs to take SS somewhere else... or the rest of the family needs to go somewhere else. YOU and any other kids do not need to be at risk.

 

[BusynMember]

Why is your husband bringing him to your house? This kid is capable of serious harm to others. I agree with Insane Canadian. If he is interested in caring for his son, in the state he's in now, he should stay with him at a hotel and keep him away from the rest of you. If he insists on bringing him to your house, lock up all your sharp objects and you stay at the hotel with your other kids.

Our adopted son, who we no longer have in our family, used to pull knives on my other kids and they were too afraid of him to tell us as he said he'd kill all of us by burning down the house if they did. They believed him because they knew he was crazy and dangerous. My daughter still has a small scar on her cheek. At the time, she told us the cat had scratched her. GET OUT!!!! Please, get out.

 

[dstc_99]

Feeling sorry for BIO mom and giving her a break is nice. BIO Mom needs to remove her head from her butt though and call the **** cops when he does this stuff. She might not need so much of a break if she would do what she needs to do instead of burying her head in the sand.

*DO NOT LET THAT KID IN YOUR HOUSE!

 

[Liahona]

When SS gets aggressive call 911 and ask for transport to a psychiatric hospital. Hopefully that will help get him into the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) faster and might help him get stablized (cross fingers).

*Hope you are safe.

 

[scaredofhim]

I have another update. When SS was with us this weekend, I went up at 11:00 Saturday evening to tell him to turn off the laptop and go to bed, and he argued with me that he wanted to leave it on, that he had sent up some sort of program that would play the game for him while he was sleeping. So I said well then put the laptop up on the desk, I don't want it on the floor all night, it will overheat. He said NO, I want to keep it down here in case it messes up during the night. I told him no that was not acceptable and if he kept arguing I would send his dad up to deal with him. So he got up and slammed the computer on the desk, glared at me with that very evil look he has given me before and then mumbled under his breath, "just wait." That sounded like a threat and it scared me to death! Then to top of the weekend, bio mom calls yesterday and said she got copies of the paperwork from his psychiatric hospitalization back in early Oct, and read some of it to us. Besides being bipolar, he also is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and ODD. And the dr. said he was suicidal and homicidal!! OMG!! Why they would let a child who is suicidal and homicidal out of the hospital after a 72 hour psychiatric hold is totally beyond me, I don't understand why they let him out when he is a danger to himself and others. The paperwork went on to say that he has a serious lack of self control, poor judgement, sense of grandiosity, etc. Bio mom managed to get him an appointment. with the psychiatrist this Wednesday morning. Hopefully as a result of the appointment. some decisions are going to be made as to placing him somewhere where everyone will be safe. husband and I are going to the appointment. as well. This past weekend was tense to say the least, with husband and I walking on eggshells and basically just letting SS stay on the laptop. Any attempts to get him off the laptop results in violent rages. Please pray that this psychiatrist will do what needs to be done and place him in residential treatment before something terrible happens. And yes, bio mom does need to get her head out of her a**....if she would have been more proactive she could have gotten help for him a lot sooner than this.

 

[BusynMember]

This isn't just bio. mom's fault. It's the system. As you said, no suicidal/homicidal child should be walking around just waiting to kill himself or maybe do a school shooting. I again recommend not allowing him to visit you. I'm at a loss as to why you allow it when you know he could seriously harm somebody. The psychiatrist really isn't probably going to be the one who finally sends him to residential treatment. It will likely be social services or the criminal justice system.

I don't remember if you have other kids or pets, but if so guard them with your life when SS is over and I'd put an alarm on his door so that he can't get out to the rest of the house when you are sleeping. That's when a lot of the trouble happens. You need to protect your house and the rest of the family. Lock up all knives. If you have firearms make sure they are locked up or not even in the house when SS is there. Ditto for matches, lighters, anything he can cause mayhem with. Look, he is way too damaged to get worse just by not following your rules and playing on the Laptop as much as he wants. in my opinion just let him do it until he is no longer visiting you. This kid is a worthy adversary and could be a threat to you if he doesn't get to do what he wants to do. Parenting him well will not help him. He is past that. He is also I'm sure getting taller and stronger. Hormones will kick in. Whatever is wrong is only going to get worse. Take care of yourself. You matter as much as he does.

Here's hoping he finds a safe place that can watch him 24/7 soon and that until then you find a way to say "no" to bio. mom when she wants to send him over for a visit. Or at least maybe your husband can take him to a hotel and not allow him to be around you and the rest of the family. This is serious and your husband should not allow it. JMO.

Update us on psychiatrist!

 

[scaredofhim]

Midwest Mom....I totally agree with you about not letting SS come to visit. I don't want him here, but I guess husband feels guilty and keeps letting him come and stay with us every other weekend. Of course that was before bio mom's phone call and the fact that there is now documentation that SS is suicidal/homicidal. Maybe now he will see that it is dangerous to have him here. We are both in our 50's and we don't have children at home. My children are adults, and SS is husband's only child. But we do have a small chihuahua and I do worry about her. I have never seen SS be abusive to our dog, but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't hurt her, given his mental illnesses. I too hope that a safe place can be found for him SOON. And that husband finds a way to say no to bio mom about him coming here. I don't have any problem at all saying no to her, but husband seems to. You are right, this is serious and I pray that husband is finally seeing just how serious and takes our well being into consideration. I will update everyone about the psychiatrist appointment. Please keep us in your prayers.....

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, I never saw our adopted son who turned out to be a sexual predator/attachment disorder-no-conscience kid ever being mean to our dogs. He always acted really nice to them in front of us. Apparently he wasn't so nice in front of my younger kids. He killed two of them. The first one we honestly never suspected him of. The second one was the thing that got us thinking "What do we REALLY have here?" And the only reason he got the blame for that puppy (yes, it was a tiny puppy...so sad) was because the puppy was inside and he and I were the only ones home. When the cops came I was bawling and the cop said it had to be the child. I couldn't believe it because, as I said, that child acted like an angel in front of all adults. Adults loved him. Even after husband and I knew for sure and the rest of his misdeeds came out, it never feels good to have to say goodbye to a child. You always wish there was hope. Sometimes there really isn't hope though. The only way to find out is if he gets intensive 24/7 care. Some people, children AND adults, live best when they are being watched. Heck, some prisoners like prison better than the outside world because they feel safe there. Many can only behave when there is that degree of structure.

in my opinion, he may have bipolar, but in my layman moms opinion from the School of Hard Knocks, there is more going on too. You in my opinion are too old to have to be going through raising this child. You deserve to relax and enjoy life now! SS is very damaged and if he does have attachment problems (and he may and his do sound severe) medications don't help. It is more like a personality disorder than a mental illness that can be fixed by correcting the body and brain chemistry with medication. Therapy doesn't work with the kids either because they don't attach or trust anyone, including therapists, and you came into this game pretty late. It is not up to you to change it. You can't. Your husband may feel guilty, and maybe he should, but it is what it is. At the time, he did not know what would happen to his son. He didn't harm him on purpose. He needs to step up to the plate and protect you and find a save, caring place for his son...but a place that can have eyes on him 24/7.

You most definitely have my prayers...all of you do. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. It is a very perplexing and frightening problem and it is so hard for many who haven't lived with it to believe that children can be this dangerous. I have often heard comments about really destructive kids and how it has to be because their parents are abusing the child or letting the child do anything he wants or he wasn't spanked enough...blah, blah, blah. None of that is true. This child probably had a vulnerable biology to begin with and then had a rough start and nobody knew or planned it and at this point nobody is to blame. He needs to be off the streets so he can't hurt anyone or himself and both bio. mom and your hubby need to have the strength to place him in a safe environment.

Maybe you have somewhere to stay on the weekends SS is there? I think you are a kind, caring person. I would hate for anything to happen to you. I know I speak for everybody here.

 

[scaredofhim]

I wanted to update everyone on the psychiatrist appointment. for SS that happened on Wednesday. First of all, the dr. didn't even talk to SS at all. Just to bio mom, and then to bio mom and husband and I. We were able to tell the dr. what SS's behavior is when he is with us. The dr. seemed nice and very somewhat knowledgeable. He basically said there are a number of things going on. There is the bipolar, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and ADHD behavior, and then there is the very spoiled child, manipulative behavior. He thinks that bio mom has let him have too much free reign, and he knows how to push her buttons and knows what he can get by with where she is concerned. For example, SS refused to get ready for the dr. appointment. Said he wasn't going to go unless she went and bought him donuts. So, she went and bought him donuts so he would go. Anyway, the dr. says it's hard to figure out which behavior is the mental illness, and which is spoiled brat and that it will take time and observation to figure it out. And that we should all keep a journal of his behavior and moods. Not sure I quite agree with him, because the dangerous behavior is TOTALLY the mental illnesses in my opinion. husband and I expressed to the dr. that we are very concerned for our safety when he is having meltdowns. And I added that I am concerned for our safety even when he isn't having meltdowns. There is just something not right about his behavior even when he is seemingly calm. He will either have an evil look on his face, or his eyes will just look vacant. In any event, we told the dr. there needs to be some sort of plan for treatment. And all the dr. said is well, if you are concerned for your safety, either take him to the ER for crisis intervention, or call law enforcement. That was all he offered. He did tell bio mom that she needs to actually take the unruly child paperwork that she had done with the prosecutor and FILE THE CHARGES with the court. She still hasn't filed the charges, and dr. said she NEEDS to do this to have a paper trail in place. Bio mom said to husband and I, "do you know what it feels like to have to file charges on my son? It's like a knife in the heart!" While we sympathize with her, she really needs to file the paperwork. We know it's hard, but she needs to have this in place and documented in case SS does something bad. This child is a volcano ready to blow and the question is not IF he hurts someone, but WHEN. As for us taking him every other weekend, husband said to me that if bio mom isn't going to do what the dr. recommended, he is going to tell her that we are not going to take him for our weekends anymore. Not for any overnights at least. We will still go and see him once a month or so and take him to lunch or on an outing, but not have him in our home any longer. Now whether husband will follow through on this remains to be seen. He has said before we are going to quit taking him on weekends and then not followed through. But he is angry at bio mom for not doing what the doctor, counselors, and the prosecutor have told her to do. SS has another appointment. with a new psychiatrist on Saturday morning, and we will be going to that appointment. as well. Bio mom wants a second opinion, and this dr. is closer to were she lives and is supposed to be very good. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

 

[BusynMember]

Will do. I do think the doctor doesn't understand. Can you tape him when he is having a fit? That's what my friends did when their son's psychiatrist sort of downplayed the degree of his dangerousness. It was different when the psychiatrist himself saw the child breaking windows, choking his sister, screaming and swearing and being aggressive. It is hard even for psychiatrists to believe us.

This is no spoiled kid. This child is one who will cause harm if he is not in a safe place both for you and for him. I get skeptical when I hear the "spoiled" word. How many kids are really, reallyl spoiled and yet perfectly normal (Jumper is so spoiled that it's pathetic...her father gives her whatever she wants and refuses to ever discipline her, yet she is really a good kid).. Spoiled doesn't make a kid get a knife and threaten to kill himself or other people. I would definitely also get a second opinion and make sure the doctor sees the child over a long period of time. How can he diagnose a child he has never seen?? Unfortunately, I lived with a child who was seriously dangerous and none of the professionals believed it until he had already hurt our younger kids badly.

Hugs and good luck!

 

[scaredofhim]

Midwest Mom, thanks for the prayers. Much appreciated! Actually both bio mom and SS's half brother have been taping him when he has his rages. I don't think they have shared the recordings with the psychiatrist though, so not really doing much good to have evidence of his behavior and then not share it with the psychiatrist. I totally agree with you about the spoiled thing, there are many children who are spoiled rotten and get everything their little hearts desire, but like you said, that doesn't make a kid get a knife and threaten to harm himself or others. I am sooooooooo very afraid that it is going to take SS doing something really awful to himself or someone else before bio mom and the dr. wake up. Not sure if the new dr. tomorrow will be any more help than the current dr. SS refuses to talk to counselors and doctors. for the most part, so how can he even be assessed if he won't cooperate. Forgot to mention that we did get a copy of the hospitalization papers on SS from October. It was frightening reading it! It said "Patient is passively suidical. Patient is homicidal." Scary stuff! I mean we already knew the paperwork said those things because bio mom read it to us, but to actually see the full report really hits you.

 

[BusynMember]

Bring that report to the new psychiatrist.

Unfortunately, as often states, psychiatry is not an exact science and neither are neurological differences. There is no way to verify diagnoses. It took our adopted son's killing of our dogs and sexually assaulted our two younger children AND US LEARNING ABOUT IT before he got any diagnosis at all. By then he had caused massive damage. We spent two years in intensive therapy for the children who were acted on sexually and for us to not feel as if it had been our faults. But in my heart I still feel like it is partly my fault for not seeing what this child really was or notice the stress that my younger children were under. Yes, children can be good actors when scared for their lives. I don't want anyone else to go through what we did. And your SS is not even hiding his true self from anyone.

It is sad that some children are this damaged. It is sad that not all children can live in families. I never believed that until it happened to me. I believed that with love, all things were possible. Hah!

Most here on the board have learned this sad lesson as well. This isn't about a child who won't listen or who cries sometimes or pouts. This is about a child who is as dangerous to others as a disturbed and violent adult. If you haven't lived with it, you have no business telling us it can't happen or that these kids just need to be loved enough. Believe it or not, I have actually seen that a few times even here, perhaps by parents who had children with issues much less severe than ours have had.

I hope you can resolve this soon. You are in my prayers.

 

[Californiablonde]

You have already gotten great advice here so I won't add to it. I just wanted to say that I am keeping you in my prayers. I have been following your story, and I really do hope your stepson gets some major interventions and your life can be peaceful again.

 

[scaredofhim]

Update: SS did not see the new psychiatrist last Saturday...bio mom claims the office called and needed to reschedule. We don't believe her. The new appointment. isn't until January, and SS needs serious intervention NOW! We had him this past weekend. He stayed on the laptop from Friday evening until Sunday afternoon when we left to take him home. He keeps it on all night and sleeps with it by his head. (he sleeps in a sleeping bag on the floor) The only breaks he takes are to eat and use the bathroom. He barely spoke to us over the weekend and gave me evil looks when he could. He lied and told us he had no homework and then bio mom texts an hour before we took him home yesterday and said he did have homework and for husband to tell him he had to do it as soon as he got home. He refused of course when husband told him, saying he would do it in the morning. Bio mom has been telling us his behavior has been better since he has been off the Vyvanse, but we don't believe her. She just wants to believe that SS is not mentally ill, she wants to blame the medications for his behavior. It's NOT the medications. This child has been diagnosed as biopolar, ADD, ODD, and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and that probably isn't all. Anyway, she called this morning and he was in the middle of a meltdown, his school was on a two hour delay, but he didn't want to go at all, he wanted to stay home or go to daycare. Bio mom told him no, he had to go and he needed to get ready so she could take him to latchkey. And he flipped out! I could hear him on the phone. Screaming at the top of his lungs that the roads are too bad to drive on to go to school and he didn't want to die!!!! He was stomping and screaming and then she said he went up to the bathroom and was trying to force himself to vomit. (to prove he was "sick" and couldn't go to school of course!) She said if he wouldn't get ready for school she was calling 911 on him and he screamed "You will NOT call 911 on me!! And of course she didn't. She back pedaled just like she always does and texted the daycare lady to see if she could bring him and was waiting to hear back. Told me she was going to just take him to daycare and let him take his laptop. I told her if she isn't going to make him go to school, which I do not agree with, then she should not let him take the laptop with him to daycare. He should have to sit there all day doing nothing. But she takes NO advice that we give her and she keeps enabling SS's behavior. Even the psychiatrist said that is a problem. It is going to take something bad happening before she gets it apparently. I thought it was odd that she called me instead of husband, but then it became clear during the phone call when she said, "I don't know what I am going to do if daycare can't take him, I can't miss any more work." She was hoping I would offer to take him but NO WAY is that ever happening. I will not be alone with that child and I have already told her that. I don't trust SS....he can get violent at any time, and he is delusional at times and a pathological liar to boot. So no way I will have him here unless husband is home. Anyway thanks for letting me vent this morning. It hasn't been a very good start to the week. Your continued prayers are greatly appreciated.

 

[scaredofhim]

The meltdowns continue and we think more is going on, but husband and I both have the feeling that bio mom is now holding back a lot of things from us about his behavior. She doesn't want us to know how bad it really is, since she refuses to file the unruly child paperwork against him or call law enforcement when he gets violent. So now she is in sugar-coating mode I suppose. SS will be on Christmas break starting this Thursday, and I am scared bio mom is going to try to get us to keep him for part of it so she can have a "break," which I cannot agree to since husband works and I am too afraid of SS to be in the house with him alone. I don't trust him around me or my little chihuahua. I wish bio mom would get her head out of the sand...UGH! So weary of the stress of all this.

 

[busywend]

What is he doing on this computer? Is he gaming? Going to porn sites?

Sent from my SCH-I545 using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[scaredofhim]

He is gaming on the computer. Gaming is all he cares about and he is severely addicted to it. He does other things on the computer as well like Skype with people he barely knows. As for porn, I am not sure. I told husband we need to take his laptop and look at the history and see what we can find because SS never deletes his history.....